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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's kids have zero work ethic

224 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:27

I have two DSS, aged 17 & 22. Neither of them have any desire to get a job. Am currently dreading the summer hols when the 17yo will be in the house all day while I WFH and DH is in the office. 22yo is coming back after finishing his masters and expecting to be supported financially. I feel done with it all - my own adult child (20) is working in uni town all summer and not expecting anything from me.

AIBU to have DH speak to them both about finding work?

OP posts:
Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:33

he Has just finished up his masters?

and the 17 year old finished GCSEs?

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:33

Will they be given pocket money?

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:34

I remembered your Name

going by all your pay threads you really really don’t like your step children, do you

Namechanger1002 · 16/07/2023 10:34

Why haven’t they got a job? Who is paying for their phones and their social life?

Sweetashunni · 16/07/2023 10:34

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:33

Will they be given pocket money?

Do 22 year olds get pocket money Confused

YANBU

Sweetashunni · 16/07/2023 10:35

But YABU about 17year old, why wouldn’t he be in the house during the holidays? Was yours, at 17?

Thehop · 16/07/2023 10:35

YANBU at all

ilovesooty · 16/07/2023 10:36

Presumably the 17 year old is still in education.

The 22 year old should be looking for a job.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:36

Sweetashunni · 16/07/2023 10:35

But YABU about 17year old, why wouldn’t he be in the house during the holidays? Was yours, at 17?

Nope, worked from the age of 16.

OP posts:
Tresto · 16/07/2023 10:38

Do they get funded from your husbands personal disposable income or shared funds? If it’s shared funds then put the same amount aside for your son (transfer into his savings account), it will help in the future.

Fallenangelofthenorth · 16/07/2023 10:39

Has the 22 YO actually finished his masters? My son is the same age and his masters doesn't finish until September. Maybe that's just his course finishing particularly late though 🤷‍♀️

Surely he has a job lined up by now though?

Is the 17yo still in full time education?

PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 10:39

Well you know what happens to those who expect? They’re disappointed!

where is their mother? Do they live with you?

the 22 year old definitely needs to be looking for a full time job in his field of study and the 17 year old just needs a part time job stacking shelves or something.

PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 10:40

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:34

I remembered your Name

going by all your pay threads you really really don’t like your step children, do you

Do you think they shouldn’t get jobs and be funded by OP?

MumofTwins234 · 16/07/2023 10:42

YANBU - the 17 year old needs to find a summer job. If he's unwilling/unable, perhaps you could make some suggestions of where he can go and look? And tell him in the meantime, he will be given jobs to do to help around the house. I wouldn't have him sitting on his arse all summer.

The 22 year old should be looking for a full time job, and in the meantime, should be working a temporary job.

What does your DH think of it?

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:42

PinkiOcelot · 16/07/2023 10:40

Do you think they shouldn’t get jobs and be funded by OP?

Show quote history

I think there will be one hell of a back story here

and the op does t make any mention of who will be financially assisting them.

and these boys can’t do a thing right in thenop’s eyes going by past thread

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 10:43

the 17 year old needs to find a summer job.

I didn’t! Had a wonderful post GCSE summer holiday chilling with friends and the odd holiday

and how? Professional single parent of two children

NoTouch · 16/07/2023 10:51

It is really your dhs decision on how he chooses to parent or support his children. Just because your approach is different doesn't make it "right" and unless your dh is a useless/disney dad type parent (then you have bigger problems) you need to respect his style.

It is not unusual for a parent of a 17 year old doing exam years, or the parent of a uni student to prefer they focus on studying and enjoy their breaks.

My uni student works, he didnt until final school exams were finished and I was ok with that.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:53

They don't live with us FT but we share all household costs 50/50 so it does mean I am subsidising to some extent.

OP posts:
Sweetashunni · 16/07/2023 10:55

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:36

Nope, worked from the age of 16.

Show quote history

But living in the house yes?

RudsyFarmer · 16/07/2023 10:55

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:27

I have two DSS, aged 17 & 22. Neither of them have any desire to get a job. Am currently dreading the summer hols when the 17yo will be in the house all day while I WFH and DH is in the office. 22yo is coming back after finishing his masters and expecting to be supported financially. I feel done with it all - my own adult child (20) is working in uni town all summer and not expecting anything from me.

AIBU to have DH speak to them both about finding work?

Your husband will be parenting out of guilt.

Original poster
tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:57

@Sweetashunni of course, but always out. My frustration is that neither of them ever go anywhere, they literally don't leave the house on days they're here. I don't think it's healthy, and it makes me feel like my home is not my own to relax in.

OP posts:
GrapeHyacinth · 16/07/2023 10:59

Give the 22 year old a chance to look for work. He's not even back yet.

Sweetashunni · 16/07/2023 11:02

I don’t really believe your 17 year old spend hardly any time at home during the summer holidays, I bet it was quite a bit but because you can tolerate your own child better it probably didn’t feel that way. The 22 year old should be able to stay as long as they’re actively job seeking and paying something towards their keep. The 17 year old should have a month or two to wind down from school then job seeking should commence. It’s up to your husband to enforce this, you moaning on here won’t help. It just feels like you want a big chat about how awful stepchildren are and what a little delight your bio kids are.

GrapeHyacinth · 16/07/2023 11:02

House prices and rent are so costly these days it's normal to support kids while they look for work, rather than expect them to leave home and support themselves totally from 18.

GrapeHyacinth · 16/07/2023 11:04

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:57

@Sweetashunni of course, but always out. My frustration is that neither of them ever go anywhere, they literally don't leave the house on days they're here. I don't think it's healthy, and it makes me feel like my home is not my own to relax in.

It's their home too.