Husband's kids have zero work ethic

[tiredofthisshit21]

I have two DSS, aged 17 & 22. Neither of them have any desire to get a job. Am currently dreading the summer hols when the 17yo will be in the house all day while I WFH and DH is in the office. 22yo is coming back after finishing his masters and expecting to be supported financially. I feel done with it all - my own adult child (20) is working in uni town all summer and not expecting anything from me.

AIBU to have DH speak to them both about finding work?

I don't understand some of the replies on threads like this. My DS is 14 and has 3 jobs (pot washing/serving food in a pub, delivering newspapers & mowing peoples lawns) he enjoys them all & has learnt a lot. His work ethic is great & I'm really proud of him. There are plenty of jobs for teenagers who want to work.

I dont think it's your place to demand they get a job if their parent is happy to support them. I don't think it's your place to demand they go out of their own home for the day either.

However you are absolutely within your rights to refuse to pick up after other people and demand while they are living there that they pull their weight with cooking and cleaning up after themselves and other house chores

@Bogofftosomewherehot you didn't. When the op said 'contribute' I took it to mean in all ways not just financially and you were basing your answer purely on finances.

Different ends of the same stick!

@Stomacharmeleon Different ends of the same stick indeed. :-)

I will also say that I have a 17yo doing A levels, who works Saturdays as they like a bit of financial independence and who is perfectly capable of unloading a dishwashing, walking the the dog and cooking their own dinner - all without prompting. I think they deserve a bit of down time too in the summer hols. But, I get the impression that the OP doesn't like her DSS too much, and in her shoes I would NOT be picking up after them... it would all find it's way into a big bin liner and dumped into heir rooms.

I find the amount of people on this thread saying that a 17 year old shouldn't get a job during holidays pretty depressing. I had a part time job from 14 as did most of my friends. We all had paper rounds, or worked in local shops or supermarkets stacking shelves. Neither of my children get any money unless they work for it. Getting a job was enormously beneficial for me. I was fairly shy and working as a Saturday girl in a shop gave me way more confidence, particularly when it came to talking to adults.

Having said that, they aren't your children so there isn't a lot you can do except stop funding it. It would stick in my craw if I was expected to contribute towards their spends. The actual food and board etc wouldn't bother me because it's their house and presumably your daughter doesn't pay digs. If she does pay digs then I'd either expect them too as well or I would stop accepting it while they were there.

I worked for pay from age 14.

OP, I'd shut down the WiFi router every day till a set rota of chores is done. You may not be their parent but you are head of household and can set reasonable rules for everyone to help with housekeeping.

I bet they despise you as much as you clearly do them.

One is 17 - just finished GCSES - my dd has too, she was like a tearful, limp dish rag at the end of them, only just cheering up now. The other hasn’t even arrived back home yet and you’re getting yourself all worked up over them. I hope their Dad doesn’t put up with your overt resentment and dislike. I bet he doesn’t and that’s why you’re ranting here.

Get a grip. Expecting young adults to earn their own spending money doesn't mean you hate them. Quite the opposite. It means you want them to be self-sufficient, proud of themselves, resilient, sociable, capable and happy members of society. Not all 17 year olds take 6 weeks to recover from exams. In fact, I don't know any who have.

Exactly, @Podcats There's nothing noble about rearing timid, lacking-in-resourcefulness and dependent teens.

I have 3 out of four currently not working, although one is between jobs. It is frustrating, they do seem to be trying but there doesn't seem to be much around or maybe all the summer work has already gone.

I would hate someone else's adult dc living in my home, my own are bad enough, but then I didn't marry someone with kids. Yanbu to feel the way that you do, but it is their home too, 50% of the time anyway. My eldest dc wouldn't work while she was at college, she lived at home so was supported by us but we didn't give her any money, she managed by being careful with money she got from from her GPS for Xmas etc. Since she graduated she has always worked two jobs so she certainly isn't lazy.

Why do people think a 17 year old has just finished GCSEs? I assume he's half-way through the sixth form.

No, I remember my department didn’t let us work in uni. It depends on your number of contact hours I think.

YABVU I’m sorry but allowing your children to live at home and supporting them while they are still in education or while they are looking for a job, is just basic modern parenting. Step children or not. Some of you are truly tight. If

I assume that's not the norm though? OP doesn't mention anything like this.

This is a husband problem. If you can't talk this through with him then you have bigger problems, never mind your stepsons. You sound as if you're silently seething and can't/won't say anything to your husband. What's the point of living like that?

I had a weekend job from age 13 and worked more during the holidays.

I had a full time corporate legal job and did my masters out of hours in a year by distance learning. The 22 year old needs to have already been applying for jobs. Both sound unmotivated I agree OP. Time to set some jobs at home get DH to have a word.

I certainly didn’t want any of mine working while at school or during Uni term times
I wanted them to focus on exams

I get it - I have much the same package with my own two…
Same age (ish) with poor work ethic and not contributing in a practical or financial way.
Its easy to say ‘don’t do things for them’ but I don’t want to live in a shit pit that reeks of lack of motivation, so what’s the choice.
Its depressing whoever’s kids they are.

That's when people need to get resourceful.

All you ever hear is parents decrying the lack of childcare. Why not put out flyers offering babysitting, pet sitting, garden work, house cleaning, etc. by the hour?

@stitchinguru you're 100% right there. And it becomes very wearing having to nag them to do stuff - I don't need that in my life.

@Quitelikeit that's quite an assumption you made there - it's my house, which I owned long before I met him. I don't 'benefit from his money' - what an odd thing to say.

Also for clarity, of course I don't expect the youngest to pay board. I'd just like the two of them to have some kind of motivation to leave the house every so often. It's irritating to have grown men lounging around while I WFH full time in a very stressful job.

Can they be given the choice: paid work or pulling their weight with the housework to even things up for those in the house who are working (and paying to put food on the table for them).

I’m sorry but I just wouldn’t tolerate it with my adult dc . If they don’t work or see friends then tell them during work hours they make themselves scarce they do not disturb you or under you feet while working unless they need to eat . They can stay on their room if they must but I’d not want the noise or distraction while wfh with my family . Lockdown was a pia and I not do it again.

Your own child was always out. Can’t imagine why.

Are there minor odd jobs around your home you could put them to use on? Like painting or weeding? That's something I'd insist on, and also I'd tell them what days they clean shared household spaces. If it's your home, your rules, IMO.