Husband's kids have zero work ethic

[tiredofthisshit21]

I have two DSS, aged 17 & 22. Neither of them have any desire to get a job. Am currently dreading the summer hols when the 17yo will be in the house all day while I WFH and DH is in the office. 22yo is coming back after finishing his masters and expecting to be supported financially. I feel done with it all - my own adult child (20) is working in uni town all summer and not expecting anything from me.

AIBU to have DH speak to them both about finding work?

How often will the 22yr old even come
round?

Why are MNers obsessed with who is paying for a teen's phone?

I would get frustrated and concerned if my ds never left the house - apart from anything else, we all need some vitamin D occasionally.

I'd be a bit less concerned about the 17 year old as they are only off for 6 weeks (if in England) and there are fewer job opportunities if you are under 18. However, someone coming back from their degree needs to get off their bottom and work - they are an adult. It's fine to support them with lodging and food, but they need to get out there and look for a job.

OP is your child a girl? In my experience they seem to have a bit more get up and go and want to earn money. I had a lot more drive than my ds does.

It’s sad if they have to, but some parents just can’t afford to support their children.
my parents preferred me to focus on my education and only work in the summer holidays whilst at uni, and certainly not before - I got good degrees, and it took 6 months after my masters to get into my graduate job at a big 4 firm.
sounds like you just don’t want them in your house, and we’re not very supportive of your own child.

Some do. Some don't work "though" university but may get some work in the summer holidays. Others work the whole time. A lot doesn't just depend on whether their parents bankroll them but what they actually want. If you don't need/want much money, you don't work, or don't work as much.

As for whether the jobs exist, it depends on where you live. It's not that easy to find work, and even if you do, it can be very time-consuming to complete all the formalities and by the time you have, it's time to go back to uni! DS missed out on work last year due to waiting for a DBS to come back, for example. And the supermarkets are massively oversubscribed for work and won't take teenagers if they can get people with experience.

What do you mean? Did you not read the OP? 22 y/o won't be 'coming round', they'll be living in the house, full time.

I can see your point OP, an extra adult in the house is an increase in food, bills etc. Fair enough if they are looking for a job, although I would expect them to at least help out by taking over some of the cleaning/cooking etc. as their contribution, but yes I can see why it would grate if they don't even have any plans to start looking for a while and just want to laze around. If they've never worked then 22 is already a bit late to start, presumably they've had at least 5 long summers (long break after GCSE, A Levels and 3xuni summer holidays, all of which are about 4 months long!) to 'chill out.'

I don't think you can say anything about how often they leave the house/what they spend their time doing, though. That's up to them.

I'm surprised they want to spend any time where they are so unwelcome.
My DC were fully dependent on us until they graduated and found full time jobs. One took longer than the other but I was happy that they stay at home until they were ready to move out. But I love their company and was happy to help finanancially as long as they needed.
Both in good careers now, working very hard and in their own homes but that doesn't happen overnight.
A child who has just finished Y11 or 12 is entitled to a summer break. Nice if they can find a part time job but not always easy.

Did you read it? She didn’t say that actually…. She just said he would expect support financially and he was returning after his masters? I was curious to know how much he would be staying with them? Any need to be so rude?

The dad and biological
mum should pay up 100% and you should pay nothing. The bills and food and accommodation expenses should be refunded to you. Make an estimate and tell your dh that he’s paying this back to you. There are jobs to be had.

You need to ask them to pick up after themselves, Op
They do need some down time and probably will be looking for work after a while.
Ask them to pick up groceries, walk the dog and mow the lawn.

Are you at home all day relaxing? Do you never go out?

It is not unusual for a 17 year old to be around during the summer holidays, assuming he is going back to school in autumn. The 22 year old should be looking for his first adult job, but if he has literally just graduated I would cut him some limited slack.

Would your 20 year old feel welcome at home, or have you stressed to her that she should be working and elsewhere from 16?

@latetothefisting

The OP says in one of her posts they don't live there full time but they don't leave the house on days they are there.

Get resentful about your husband. He's letting them behave like this. I was told once i left school i had to get a job. It was a non negotiable. And i had to hand up some of my wages. They wouldn't have chucked me out if i didn't pay but it wouldn't have gone down well. Your husband sounds a bit useless tbh.

I don’t think staying in school and doing a Masters equals zero work ethic. They’ll only be with you for half of the holiday.
It sounds much better when you look at it that way. Also tell them to pick up their own stuff.

If I sound resentful it probably comes from having to pick up after two more adults.

Where they not guided, primarily by your dh and/or also you in either your role of an active step parent or alternatively a person who shares a home with them what type of behaviour is acceptable and expected in your family unit? Or has their been a recent change in their behaviour?

@Stomacharmeleon The OP hadn't said before my comment that she picks up after them. When I said that a 17yo in FT education shouldn't be expected to contribute I was referring to the financial running of the home - as per the OP's post which clearly states work ethic and financial contributions and paid jobs.
At what point did I say or suggest a 17yo shouldn't do a few chores and clear up their own mess or get a free pass?!!

This is the age when a bit of tough love is required, otherwise they don’t fly the nest. Support and guidance with finding a job, clear expectations that if they are going to be hanging around the house all day they can contribute to chores. Or bigger projects to be helping with. If you make it too comfortable with zero expectation of financial or practical contribution, why would they ever leave?

They sound like men children both should have a job if some description by they aren't your children do your DH needs to sort.

You are enabling them OP, I don't have any sympathy with 'I pick up after them'. Why would you do this? No-one makes you. They are adults, and don't work, their laundry, mess, meals is not your responsibility. Just leave their stuff or do you just want to come in here for a rant and do t mind it really?

Do you own the house 50/50? Why are paying 50% when it sounds as though they are there a fair bit in the summer. Tell your OH that he needs to increase what he pays to cover their food.

It sounds like jobs around the house are the most urgent issue - as others have suggested, draw up a rota.

I wouldn’t want them around me either. Lazy.

Why are you picking up after them?

My DS came home from Uni in July even though his Masters didn't finish until September. The contract had ended on Student house and he could do his dissertation from home - everything was on line due to the covid aftermath anyway. He did not have a job lined up but it was made quite clear to him that he would be working in any job available whilst finding a career job. The day after he handed his dissertation in he applied for a supermarket job and started a week later. He worked evenings so was still able to job hunt and attend interviews in the daytime.

Your older SS definitely needs to get himself a job of any sort. Your younger SS should be trying to find work even if only a few hours a week but maybe not a crucial as for the older one.

It’s a bit late to complain now

You have benefitted from their fathers money, he pays for your house

also you have made your bed I’m afraid to say

Mumsnet vs Real life:

MN: It's their home too, they can do what they like.

Real life: They're visiting their dad.

MN: Step mum should be happy to contribute.

Real life: Step mum has no obligation to contribute.

MN: It's perfectly normal for a 17 year old and 22 year old to be supported.

Real life: 17 year old should have a part time job and 22 year old should be making a full time job priority.

OP, you should not have to feel uncomfortable in your own home. If your husband isn't at home, they don't need to be there. I hope your husband sees sense soon. It's frustrating when someone else kids can't be arsed to work, but expect it handed to them, which then affects your finances.

Clearly they must have work ethic for one to nearly be completing a masters and the other one is only 17 and has just finished GCSEs? I wouldn’t be pushing the younger one at the moment, he will be deciding which path to go down and if he will need anything further for uni.

as for the older one it completely depends on the intensity of his masters? He naturally does want some time to “chill abit” after working to gain that qualification.

you just personally sound like you don’t want them there, as a previous poster has mentioned they can’t seem to do anything right, just because your daughter was out working at 17 doesn’t mean to say your husband wants his child to have the pressure of making that decision just yet.

I went to college and had a weekend job, my brother went to uni and focused on his degree rather than worrying about work due to the intensity.
Doesn’t make any difference tbh..

as for the helping around the house, this I would have a problem with, make a rota of who does what.. it’s there responsibility to make sure the tasks are completed. If your husband of helping fund them, I would say they have to complete the tasks on the rota before they get any money.

How about a chore rota?