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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband's kids have zero work ethic

224 replies

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 10:27

I have two DSS, aged 17 & 22. Neither of them have any desire to get a job. Am currently dreading the summer hols when the 17yo will be in the house all day while I WFH and DH is in the office. 22yo is coming back after finishing his masters and expecting to be supported financially. I feel done with it all - my own adult child (20) is working in uni town all summer and not expecting anything from me.

AIBU to have DH speak to them both about finding work?

OP posts:

finewelshcheese · 17/07/2023 06:50

AngelAurora · 17/07/2023 06:46

It's none of your business OP, wind your neck in and give it a rest.

None of her business?! It's her bloody house they're gaming/making a mess/being noisy while she's trying to work in 😂

Quitelikeit · 17/07/2023 06:50

Ofgs op do you know resentment is like drinking your own poison?

They’re his off spring fgs and I bet he is keen to see them (a good dad y’know)

Stop seeing them as a burden, they will know it and dislike you for it

Augend23 · 17/07/2023 06:59

I think I'd expect them to be doing at least a couple of shifts a week - so they can fund their own socialising/save up for a holiday, but that still would leave them in the house quite a lot. Obviously if you need them to be earning a decent chunk to top up household funds that would be different again.

It's fair enough to want a proper summer holiday (frankly I still want one), and we only get a few summers like that with no responsibility.

I guess this wouldn't have been an issue when I was at home in the summers because my parents had to go out to go to work. I got left at home with a list of chores and then did a few shifts of work and otherwise stayed in or went out with friends. The only specific requirement on my time was that I was up and the chores were done by the time my parents got home. That is a totally different beast from having someone at home, in the office, trying to get a full day's work done.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 17/07/2023 07:03

I honestly find it very surprising that so many people don't encourage their kids to get part time jobs and think it's ok to have them lazing around the house all day every day. It stands them in good stead later in life - that's what I believe, anyway.

I never worked as a teenager or through university. My parents were happy to support me financially while I studied. I've had various jobs and now run my own very successful business - nobody has ever asked me why I didn't work as a 17yo old. It's honestly never come up or held me back in any way.

PorePurifyingCucumberSandwich · 17/07/2023 07:12

They are still quite young and just leaving full time education. Your home is their home so I don't think it's unreasonable of them to expect to live there after their exams.

The 17 year old I assume will continue being in education and the 22 year old might just have a breather before continuing with something else. Or.maybe they are not. I wouldn't know but there is nothing in your op to say that they want to spend the rest of their lives living off you in your home.

They are not working yet, have never been in work so I'm not sure where work ethic comes in unless you mean work ethic with school / uni work or with chores.

I think you are being incredibly harsh on them.

pleasedontoutmeguys · 17/07/2023 07:12

OP do you not understand that all people are different? YOUR dd might have been very social, been able to get a part time job, cleaned up after herself but your DSS's might not be like that? It's not a gender thing but a maturity/ personality thing. There are a lot of young men who do not socialise much outside of the home but instead game socially. I'm not saying it's healthy or preferential but it's modern life. In six months time, if the 22 year old is still doing FA then you can challenge it. I'm in the middle of a masters and it's hardcore, I think I would deserve a bit of time off at the end if I were younger, especially if I had been in FT education since I was 4!
There aren't many jobs for 17 year olds these days, especially not if you've got no experience or aren't very outgoing. I think all the stuff about the link between work ethic and part time jobs is largely bullshit. I worked from age 14, all through uni and when I left i worked MW jobs for a decade! The students who didn't work generally got their first ever job straight after uni, usually a graduate role, and are on far more money than me. I wonder if there is a snobbery about not hiring graduates who are PT in Caffè Nero or similar.
Anyway, their home is your home, you have to suck it up.

PorePurifyingCucumberSandwich · 17/07/2023 07:16

tiredofthisshit21 · 17/07/2023 06:49

Completely my business when it disrupts my home.

Show quote history

If they are with you 50:50 for that time isn't their home your home? Did you marry your husband hoping that as soon as his become adults he will chuck them out and wash his hands off them?

If they aren't pulling their weight and you need to pick up after them or they are noisy to let you work then that's a different matter that I'd take up with them but not under the premise of being concerned about their work ethic and not having a full time job.

Willmafrockfit · 17/07/2023 07:22

do you have to wfm?

heckmuffin · 17/07/2023 07:23

Why is there so much coddling of young adults? I worked part-time every summer from the age of 13. If I wasn't working, I was outside with my friends. As soon as I got to 18, I was doing work experience in my college/uni holidays. Then straight into a job and a rental after graduation. My parents had no money to give me and I wanted independence and to get involved in the world.

Lots of people on these threads seem to be happy for their offspring to sit about doing nothing, being handed money, and staying at home indefinitely, as if house-shares don't exist. Can't be good for their mental health, confidence and sense of drive.

pleasedontoutmeguys · 17/07/2023 07:37

@heckmuffin with respect, things have changed. Employers are quite resistant to hiring teenagers and a levels are harder, most people do 3/4 a levels these days.

Wenfy · 17/07/2023 07:39

It’s actually much more sad to me as a parent that your child felt like he had to leave to support himself before the age of 20. You truly failed there

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 17/07/2023 07:39

pleasedontoutmeguys · 17/07/2023 07:37

@heckmuffin with respect, things have changed. Employers are quite resistant to hiring teenagers and a levels are harder, most people do 3/4 a levels these days.

Plenty of teens working where I live. And as for A levels being harder...🙄

OP posts:

heckmuffin · 17/07/2023 07:40

I did 3-4 A-levels and hospitality is absolutely desperate for staff right now!

Seymour5 · 17/07/2023 07:42

My DGD has had a part time job all through her GCSEs and is doing more hours through the holidays. She was under no pressure to find work, found the job herself, and is not expected to contribute. I expect the younger DGC to follow suit. I thought p/t working was fairly normal. Several of her friends do the same.

There are plenty of p/t jobs in retail and hospitality. Its good grounding for the future IMO.

Original poster

tiredofthisshit21 · 17/07/2023 07:42

Wenfy · 17/07/2023 07:39

It’s actually much more sad to me as a parent that your child felt like he had to leave to support himself before the age of 20. You truly failed there

She left for uni at 18 and I pay her rent like most parents of uni kids do. She loves her uni town and wants to work to earn some money and have a little independence. She didn't feel like she had to leave, but you're clearly just trying to insult me and make me feel like shit so whatever. I'm very proud of her and the way in which I brought her up, pretty much on my own.

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 07:45

Yanbu.

Tell DH you won't be doing housework over the summer or cooking meals as there are two adults in the house who aren't working and are perfectly capable of helping.

If he wants to do it all instead and leave them lazing around that's on him

I agree with you though, even if they were out having fun it wouldn't be so bad but just lazing around the house seems utterly boring as much as anything else

pleasedontoutmeguys · 17/07/2023 07:47

@tiredofthisshit21 I worked every Saturday and Sunday from 16-23 and I was exhausted. My grades definitely suffered. I was predicted AAB and I got ABB. I was doing two portfolio based courses and if I had had an extra eight hours a week to work on my craft I would have got A's in the two B subjects. There's also the knock on effect on my social life, turning up at the party after an eight hour shift, not drinking too much as the next day I had another eight hour shift! Waking up at some random house and trying to work out how I could wash my uniform in the sink and which bus to get to work from god knows which place I'd ended up in! I used to look at my friends sleeping in, waking up and having a big hungover communal breakfast, maybe going to a park and having some Sunday afternoon beers and feel so jealous.
And guess what? I still ended up poor and on UC so how's that for work ethic? Maybe those early years of less pressure and freedom are important!

Willmafrockfit · 17/07/2023 07:49

if you werent around would you mind so much?

MintJulia · 17/07/2023 07:58

This whole thread is interesting.

As an employer, I don't take on any graduates who haven't worked hospitality or service jobs at some point during their teens/degrees. I find their skills with customers and their commitment to being in work on time are usually far better.

beAsensible1 · 17/07/2023 07:58

why is a child enjoying a 6 week holiday "lazing" they will soon be working for the rest of their adult life.

As for the 22 y/o they're not even back yet im sure they'll get one soon enough. IF they haven't after a month then its time to push

Most older children stick to contact time because its become part of their schedule and its a bit easier as well as some step-parents are not fans of them coming and going as they please.

everyone is talking about cafe's and fast food places, most of those jobs are taken by much older people to supplement their pensions with more availability than 6 weeks round where we are

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 08:03

@beAsensible1 it's the lack of helping to run the house that is particularly lazy.

missingeu · 17/07/2023 08:16

My DD has been trying to find a job during her summer break from uni, she's applied for loads, had interviews but no luck so far. Same with my friends children back from uni for the summer. We live in tourist town as well.

I leave jobs to do during the day, whilst I'm at work and DD cooks sometimes during the week.

SeulementUneFois · 17/07/2023 08:17

It's your house so you have control over this.
Research how to adjust the wifi connection so that it excludes certain devices. (I haven't done but it should be doable if fiddly, there must be plenty of guides on the internet.)
Then exclude all but your devices while you're working. (And you could turn off the wifi overnight as well if you want.)

SeulementUneFois · 17/07/2023 08:20

Also make sure that you're not the one doing stuff for them while they don't help with the chores.
If your husband thinks that his adult children deserve an indentured servant he can be that rather than you.

SeulementUneFois · 17/07/2023 08:20

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