My boyfriends family member paid for everyone’s ice cream, AIBU for being upset that bf didn’t say anything

[Redrose28]

I hope this doesn’t seem too petty. I went out with my boyfriend , his sister and her boyfriend. We had ice creams. My boyfriends sisters boyfriend told my boyfriend he’ll pay for him and his girlfriends ice cream whilst waiting in line. I had to pay for my own ice cream. I felt quite awkward. I by no means want a hand out, but this felt quite rude. I felt upset that my boyfriend didn’t say that he’d pay for us to stand up for me abit. I know I would stood up for him in that position. AIBU?

This!
I think the fact he thanked you for getting your own says he acknowledged how weird it was but didn’t know what to do. He should have bought yours or said something but most people hate confrontation.

I'd def give bf benefit of the doubt and just presume he was blindsided - as many of us would be!
Perhaps in retrospect he could have said "Cheers - and here's a couple of quid for OP's, too", but lots of things don't occur to us in the spur of the moment!

I'd leave it. You should have mentioned it straight afterwards - you missed your chance. If you meet up with them again though, say something before agreeing to go.

If a similar thing happens again, then it's time for a big conversation about how your bf should support you (some just can't stand up to other men who treat their gf with disrespect.)

Ok so given the relatively young age of the sister’s bf, I think he was trying to make a gesture but just didn’t think it through and fell short. The fact that he thanked OP afterwards suggests that maybe he realised he’d made a sticky social faux pas. If he didn’t want to do a full round he should have just offered for his own gf.

if you really have to raise it with your own bf, OP, don’t make a big deal out of it. Just say that you were thinking yesterday about that ice cream situation again, “wasn’t that so weird haha ?!?”. And hopefully your bf says “yeah that was really awkward”.

effectively the first bf created an awkward situation and then dragged your bf into it. They were both caught out and were put on the spot. Don’t need to dump anyone over it

I don't think it's petty to feel that way at all. Sister's boyfriend must have known he was creating an awkward situation (even if it was just an ice cream) and in order to reduce the awkwardness it would have been nice if your boyfriend jumped in to pay for yours.

It's not about the money - it's just a few quid - to me it's about your boyfriend's willingness to 'have your back' in an awkward or uncomfortable situation, in the same way you'd hopefully do for him. If you're a team, you look out for each other.

My late FIL gate crashed a family day out to a theme park we’d taken our kids to, Alton Towers to be exact. He told us he was getting ice creams. He walked back with two of the biggest ice creams ever, gave one to MIL and ate the other himself while their two grandkids looked on enviously. It didn’t go down well with DH. Later on at a snack bar DH bought us all drinks and snacks but left them out . FIL asked where their drinks and snacks were, DH said “ Plenty of choice behind the counter at the snack bar but you’ll have to put your hand in your pocket yourself” .

I wouldn't bring it up again. He's already acknowledged it was awkward.

I think I'd ask my boyfriend that if similar happened again, he say it's ok me and op will get our own.

How exactly did it happen? He announced "I'll get everyone's except yours" or he went up to get them for everyone and came back with 3? Or you were all at the till and he said I'll pay for these three?

I know, but the odds of a 13 year old posting this dilemma to Mumsnet are pretty slim I’d say.

It sounds like they are younger than you, a bit immature and your boyfriend did try to draw attention to it in a low key way. Your bf’s sister’s bf sounds like a bit of a tool but I wouldn’t make a drama out of it. Maybe if you say anything l, just “didn’t you think it was a bit weird how…”

I think it’s rude and the right approach is to ask your boyfriend what he’d do differently next time.

I wouldn’t bring it up with him, especially over the phone. It was a weird awkward situation, and your bf probably felt as uncomfortable as you did! I think a lot of us put in that situation would be too awkward and polite to say anything. It was the other bloke who was being rude so it seems unfair to get annoyed at your bf about it.

This is her boyfriend, not an acquaintance! Of course she can bring it up.

Terrible ideas of what good communication is on this thread.

OP, what’s he generally like, is he tight fisted?

I think it's fine to ask a boyfriend about this but I'd do it on the phone or in person rather than messages. That might be my age though!

Just say 'what was that about?'

I dont think you should bring it up.

You're both young and growing up together. I would wait and see how things pan out over the next 6 months and see if it's a pattern and then if it bothers you, just accept he isnt the one you will marry and have kids with.

I wouldnt try to train him nor make a thing of it. He was on the spot, he did the wrong thing and will get defensive and it will snowball. Just make a note of it and move on.

My 40 something brother (who is not strapped for cash) did exactly this after I had paid over £150 for lunch for our families. He queued for ice cream and bought himself and his three kids one, leaving my kids empty handed. I don't think age necessarily has anything to do with it - some people are just very tight fisted.

Yeah that was just rude you can’t buy for everyone but one person.

You can invite his partner to your wedding and not him!🤣 Send him an ice cream instead!🤣

At this point you should have spoken up and said "He didn't pay for mine, I did" and leave it hanging in the air. See what either of the blokes would do or say with that information.

Sorry - misread who your BF thanked for buying the icecream.

I would have a word with BF and say that you won't be socialising with his sister and her boyfriend because of this incident. You don't mind socialising with the sister by herself but not with the boyfriend. Also, you have expectations of what your BF should do when you're out and about and this was a perfect opportunity for him to jump in and say "Oh actually Redrose and I will get our own, thanks" so that an uncomfortable situation doesn't arise.

It’s just ice cream. The moments gone. Forget it.

Both men at fault here. Really really odd of the other bloke - also odd of your BF. I can't imagine being other blokes GF and not saying anything either. I'm glad this is waving a red flag for you.

I'd be annoyed my bf hadn't paid for mine tbh. But then I would expect a bloke to pay for me and not every woman seems to want that.

Well no. Because in the 21st century in the western world, women are free to earn their own money and buy stuff. It's why my DP and I alternate who pays.

OP, I'm not sure I'd bring this up by phone as it's difficult to gauge people's reactions. And three weeks is a long time to wait to say 'about that ice cream...' Nonetheless, bringing up negative stuff and discussing it without being accusatory is a valuable skill in a relationship. So I'd be watching for other signs of being left out. How established as a couple are the other two? I've been in similar situations where an established couple, friends of my then boyfriend, treated me as one in a long line. Turns out they were right. The exclusion was just a way of saying 'you're not one of us, and you won't be around long'.

So think about ways you might bring this up and if/ when it happens again you'll be prepared and you can say 'when you do X I feel left out of the group. It's not about Y, it's about being excluded and you not sticking up for me'. And take it from there.

That’s passive aggressive, best to forget about it

A lot in this day and age. Believe me!