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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
Tandora · 11/07/2023 20:52

You are not putting him in any position. You are clearly communicating your needs for a relationship. If he doesn’t want to meet those needs then he is free to leave you alone. OP , do not settle for less that what you need to be happy. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/07/2023 20:54

He needs to go in the bin. You haven't got time to waste so don't have anything more to do with him and look around to see who else is free.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2023 20:55

He’s already chosen; every minute he chooses not to propose to you when he knows it’s what you want. He’s not the one

bibbityboppityboo · 11/07/2023 20:56

It's a rubbish situation - but in my opinion once you've got to the stage of having to issue ultimatums about marriage and kids it's time to perhaps admit the relationship has run its course.

He broke off your engagement and now wants to try again? You've not something to be picked up and dropped on his whims, if he's like that before marriage and DC I'd be prepared for him to be just like that when you've got a family. Is that what you want?

You've told him what you want, he's not taking it seriously or he'd have agreed or got away from the relationship.

Thepeopleversuswork · 11/07/2023 20:56

YANBU and to be honest I'd have called time on the relationship when he first called off the engagement. I understand why you don't want to completely write it off but I think you're probably wasting your time with the ultimatum.

It doesn't sound as if he is actually committed to spending his life with you, he's just scared of the prospect of losing you and is making a few minimal gestures to reel you back in.

I'd throw him back and find someone who is actually up to the job.

OhwhyOY · 11/07/2023 20:57

YABU but not by giving him the ultimatum, YABU not to take him at face value and acknowledge he's not going to give you what you want. Hard as it is, I think you need to leave.

Bunnyfuller1 · 11/07/2023 20:59

Nope. He’s not the one.

Dacadactyl · 11/07/2023 20:59

This bloke is a joker. Trying to sleep with you but won't marry you, after 7 years! Lol.

I wouldn't waste another minute on him personally.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2023 20:59

but surely he should know after this amount of time?

Yes, op, exactly. If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married already. He does not and will not. He is never going to marry you.

You have sadly allowed him to waste enough of your time already. His actions have made his mindset crystal clear yet you have ignored it and continues to delude yourself that he will change. He will not.

Anything other than ending this relationship immediately is just a fool's errand.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/07/2023 21:00

Yanbu. By saying its not fair, he is actually saying he wants to date you but even after all this time, he isnt sure that he wants to be with you long term. He knows that it's like to be without you but still doesnt want to definitely be with you. Sorry

Aprilx · 11/07/2023 21:01

It is not that your ultimatum is unfair, it is more that it is pointless. He has already broken off an engagement but he wants to try again but without the engagement. He cannot be serious. I fear you are caught up in sunk costs fallacy, but you really do need to move on as you don't have the time to waste.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/07/2023 21:02

Don’t waste another minute on him

StopFeckingFaffing · 11/07/2023 21:03

Please don't waste anymore time on this man, he is not going to marry you and the sooner you ditch him, the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life

sandyhappypeople · 11/07/2023 21:04

You shouldn't issue ultimatums like this, because how would you know if they're doing it for the right reasons because they love you and want to build a life and family with you, or they're just doing it because you'd dump them otherwise.

He's telling you by not telling you, you need to listen.

keepmovingon · 11/07/2023 21:08

Your his back up plan don’t marry him.

SweetAndSourChick3n · 11/07/2023 21:09

If he wanted to marry you he'd have done it by now. Get rid of him and find someone who actually values you.

Whadda · 11/07/2023 21:10

OP, I can see where you’re coming from but you’ll never turn this guy around.

If he proposes, you’ll waste more years as he’ll want a long engagement (usually by dangling a big wedding), then he’ll want to be married for a while before trying for children, then he’ll come up with some other excuse.

Or worse again, you’ll get married, have kids, and realise that you’re still in a relationship where he’s not committed, but it’s harder to walk away.

You’re 33. Don’t waste your fertile years trotting around after this guy like a puppy.

Oldnamechangeyetagain · 11/07/2023 21:13

OP, it has been said many times on these boards - do not waste your precious fertile years on someone who doesn't have the same goals for a family as you do.

Cut your losses and find someone else who wants what you want.

Beezknees · 11/07/2023 21:14

YANBU. You don't sound compatible honestly.

BatheInTheLight · 11/07/2023 21:15

LTCF

pontipinemum · 11/07/2023 21:49

Leave him, he isn't going to change. If you want marriage and children you need to get meeting someone to do that with. I get that is probably a lot harder than I am making it sound.

But I have read enough stories on here of women who kept waiting with the wrong guy only to get passed their fertile years. Their partner leave them and have kids with a younger woman.

Curseofthenation · 11/07/2023 21:54

You want kids, he doesn't. No matter what he says. His actions are telling you everything you need to know. You need to move on, and fast.

Hollyppp · 11/07/2023 21:56

He’s had YEARS to fanny around. No more fannying

Jibo · 11/07/2023 21:57

Get out while you can. A friend of mine got strung along by a guy like this for 13 years. She got him down the aisle in the end but they were divorced within a year and a year after that he had a baby with someone else. My friend meanwhile had missed her window to have children.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 11/07/2023 22:02

He clearly does not want the whole marriage-and-children thing, which is fine, but he should have the guts to say so.