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Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 07:59

He’s what they call a dud, op.

SoWhatEh · 12/07/2023 08:00

The right one will quickly know that you’re the one, you won’t have to tell him or beg. A little secret, when it’s the right person, it is easy. There is no angst or worry or wondering or fretting.

This. DH and I were engaged at 6 months and married a year later. It felt so right from the start.

daisychain01 · 12/07/2023 08:00

Forget it. He's messing you about. Not only that, he doesn't have to worry about biological clocks and all that wimins stuff, he'd rather cherrypick what to him is the fun stuff and the rest he just dismisses as not his concern.

Don't waste another nanosecond on the time waster.

StormShadow · 12/07/2023 08:04

You're incompatible and he doesn't want to marry you or have DC, so you need to find someone else if that's what you want. I'd only stay with him if I were content with things as they are now, because he isn't prepared to change them.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/07/2023 08:04

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would say to him, so us to stay together we need to be married by x date (eg October?) and actively trying for a baby. You've already proposed so no need to that all again. You need to book a registrar and pay the deposit for a reception (or you could always do a quick elope wedding and postpone the big party till after baby). And no sex before marriage.

If he is TRULY serious about wanting a life and family with you he should jump at that chance

ReachForTheMars · 12/07/2023 08:07

No, he TELLS you he wants a family and kids more than anything to keep you hanging on.

A man that wants kids proposes, marrys you and has kids.

He isnt there. He might never be.

Dont waste your fertile years.

The phrase "you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink" comes to mind. Yes, you can forfeit his hand with an ultimatum but how will you feel on your wedding day? Or when he has kids with you and then avoids parenting because it's too hard. He isnt even ready to commit to you, let alone kids.

Move on. It's your choice but at this point you need to protect your fertile years.

Nordicrain · 12/07/2023 08:10

I agree, it's fair but pointless. He is not in it for the long game, he doesn't want to commit. What is the point in forcing the issue?

I would cut your losses and find someone who is interestedin the same things you are.

BrimFullOfAsher · 12/07/2023 08:11

Sorry OP, but I think he already is giving you an answer.

His actions are telling you pretty clearly what his answer is, and they're louder than his words.

I guess you could call his bluff if you think he means it, and suggest he can have a shag but you're not using protection.

Cnidarian · 12/07/2023 08:14

Sorry but the right circumstances means not with you. Take control of your life and find the one for you. It isn't him.

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 08:31

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

Thats exactly what it is. He can forever more claim the time isn’t right for <insert dubious reason here>.

He doesn’t want to commit.

He’s wasting your time.

user1473878824 · 12/07/2023 08:33

Tandora · 11/07/2023 20:52

You are not putting him in any position. You are clearly communicating your needs for a relationship. If he doesn’t want to meet those needs then he is free to leave you alone. OP , do not settle for less that what you need to be happy. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.

This in spades.

Jacketpotatogirl · 12/07/2023 09:07

He hasn’t wanted to commit to you because he doesn’t want to commit to you. No ultimatum or pressure is going to suddenly change that. He’s had long enough to commit and he hasn’t wanted too.

You deserve someone better.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/07/2023 09:18

Kayley401 · 12/07/2023 06:57

Thank you everyone - he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

He wants a family more than anything, but it’s still not the “right circumstances” when someone he’s been with for seven years wants the exact same thing? In what way could the circumstances (theoretically) be better?

There's something very wrong with this picture.

Kugela · 12/07/2023 09:22

This is a tale as old as time @Kayley401 and my advice is to start packing your bags and making plans to move out today. Why on earth did you stay with him after he broke off your engagement? That was a really shitty thing to do to you!

If you leave today you could meet someone else, get married and have a child within a few years. If you stay with this man you will waste more of your fertile years on him.

Ijustdontcare · 12/07/2023 09:28

Leave him now. I have seen this so many times with people I know, he's stringing you along. You will wake up one day and realise you are the wrong side of 40 and still don't have the kids or the marriage you wanted, and he will leave you for someone in their mid 20s who will get pregnant within six months.

BogRollBOGOF · 12/07/2023 10:13

I discussed the "right circumstances" with DH, and they were specific things; I was in my early 20s so wanted to have time to be established in my career etc. In my mid-20s, while the exact goal posts of "right circumstances" weren't quite what I'd envisaged, the circumstances were good enough and we'd been secure and happy together for a number of years. We got engaged, and the wedding was a few years later around something specific in his life that he wanted to be complete.
Neither of us were vaguely dilly-dallying for time, we were clear about what we meant and both wanted the same level of commitment, and were clear about practical time scales. That's the reality of "right circumstances" to people that actually mean it.

Don't waste any more of your life on him. You'll never be able to trust him not to flake out. He should be keenly wanting to marry and have children, not tag along for an avaliable sex life or whatever benefit he wants from you. You don't want children with a half-hearted father who constantly has an eye on the emergency exit.

The majority of people in their 30s are pretty secure in their path through life and what opportunities are likely to occur. He's had 7 years, that's more than enough time, and his excuses are wishy washy.

You have time to be single and find someone who actively wants to spend his life with you and raise a family together.

knockyknees · 12/07/2023 22:57

He broke off our engagement last year

I don't know why you stayed with him after that? That's a pretty clear sign he's not committed to you.

Ditch him, and find someone more worthy of you.

Original poster
Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2023 11:40

You’ve been together 7 years.

Cab you honestly say you’d believe him if he changed his mind now?

That would be the issue for me - I just wouldn’t believe he wouldn’t leave again.

It’s not that 7 years is a deadline.

Merryoldgoat · 13/07/2023 11:42

Sorry - that posted before I was ready.

It’s not that 7 years is a cut off, it’s that it’s plenty of time to understand how serious your relationship is and where you want to go.

DH and I got married after 6 years. Lots of people were asking if we were but we were both always aware of what we wanted from our relationship.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/07/2023 11:43

His actions to date do not match what he is saying. The relationship is seven years old, you are in your 30s. Either he wants marriage, commitment and children now as in setting dates, health checks etc or he has criteria - what are they ? are they reasonable ? house/jobs/long distance travel.

Remember anyone can say anything - how they treat you shows the truth. You have to have full trust. Adding children into a relationship is like a small nuclear reactor going off!

You have choices you are 33, know what you want - there are other potential partners who are on the same page.

Jeraniums · 13/07/2023 11:55

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/07/2023 21:00

Yanbu. By saying its not fair, he is actually saying he wants to date you but even after all this time, he isnt sure that he wants to be with you long term. He knows that it's like to be without you but still doesnt want to definitely be with you. Sorry

This.

If it isn't naturally happening OP, he isn't the one.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/07/2023 11:57

You need to walk away
Tell him it's over
Block him on all means of communication
Move on with your life.

Meeting · 13/07/2023 11:58

It's good that he wants to talk about it. Tell him your deal breakers and that you can't move forwards in the relationship without them.

  • I want children in the next X years.
  • I want to be married before I have children.
CatServant2020 · 13/07/2023 12:03

Why are you being so passive about it OP, you're still letting him control the situation.

You've been together for over 7 years. Just tell him that unless your married within 3 months then the relationship will be ending.

His response to that will tell you all you need to know.

Personally I'd end it now anyway as he'd probably still string you along about having kids.

You've wasted 7 years of your life on him, don't waste a minute more.