Is my ultimatum unfair?

[Kayley401]

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

@Kayley401

Part of his excuse is that I'm not maternal with his daughter and that I needed to prove that first.

So you have to pass the test that you'll be a good mother and you're currently failing (in his eyes) because you can't, naturally, turn into biological mum number two to his child?

Do you think you'll ever pass this test or will he continue to push you and be offended if you are not 100% what he thinks you should be?

You are wasting energy and precious time with this man I'm afraid. 🌹

He has what he wants now. He is going to continue to string you along because what you want is not in his plan.

Any thoughts on the unanimous replies to your thread, OP?

You’re throwing your fertile years away.

If you have to give someone an ultimatum to get them to marry you, you shouldn’t get married. And frankly, why would you want to marry someone that you have to badger into marrying you?!

It is a great sign that you get along well with his DD. She already has a mum. She doesn’t need another one and it is vile that this guy is testing you, or claiming to.

I’ve changed my mind. There is nothing he could say that makes me think he would be a suitable partner, or someone who would treat the mother of your children well. Dump him.

YANBU. Get out now, you are being too nice and he won't change.

He’s taking the fucking piss.

Not only is dangling marriage over you so long as you jump (and fail, he won’t allow you to succeed as he doesn’t want to marry you) through his hoops, he is actually trying to manipulate you into doing his parenting for him.

Age 26-33 is more than enough time to waste on a non-commit real prick who is deliberately running down your fertility clock because he doesn’t want to have to make any effort or changes.

Well from your updates OP we'll see you in 5 years time because it doesn't look as if you're going to take control of your own life.

In 5 years time you'll be back on here complaining that he still won't marry you and that your fertile years have passed. Sorry not sorry for being harsh but if you' re not prepared to take charge of your own life then nothing will change.

I've said previously to tell him the relationship can only continue if you get married within the next 3 months. We know what his answer will be, even you know what the answer will be which is why you are not prepared to do it.

If you have to force someone into marrying you shouldn't be marrying them.

He's setting you up with a test that you can only fail.

That has to be the lamest excuse for not marrying. And it's pure lies. Get out now while you still have time to meet someone and have your babies. I was 36 when I had DS and women can and do have babies until they are in their mid 40s.

You still have time - but you don't have time to waste any more on this asshole.

He's a twat.

It sounds like you have a perfectly good / healthy relationship with his DD and he's using that to beat you down. As you quite rightly say, you are not her mother.

He is the problem. 7 YEARS!!!! 7 YEARS!!!!! Honestly, I am so angry on your behalf.

Please don't waste your fertile years on this moron.

Run. Block.

It's done. He's done.

Move on

Thanks everyone, I know you're all right - it's just hard to see sometimes when you're in the situation.
He has me guessing myself a lot as to whether he's right and it's my fault but I know deep down it's not.

This man isn’t the right one for you. You don’t have any ties, get out now while it’s easier! You deserve to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to be with you, and doesn’t make you doubt yourself

In the bin

It honestly sounds like you've dodged a major bullet. I hope you find a much healthier relationship.

He made up that excuse from whole cloth. You ‘need to prove’ this and that, he says.

L O L

Op, I’m looking for signs that you’ve read our collective replies and are now wise to his very obvious loser status. 👀. Op. Many times with posters there is a grey area where maybe things can be worked out and a relationship saved.

In your case it’s cut and dried. Get rid. Kick him out. Tell him to get out. There’s nothing left to say, Op. You’ve tried to explain until the cows came home. The cows are home. The chicken has come home to roost and all the other cliches.

In fact, if he grudgingly gave in today, it’s not nearly good enough. He is a reluctant ass. You will never ever be happy with him. Look at the years and years you’ve given him. He broke off your engagement and you said ok. He says he’s not ready AGAIN. Excuses and blaming you.

I used to endlessly agonize over previous boyfriends. They were duds like your dud. Then I met a decent person, the right one, and guess what, no agonizing, no fretting, no wondering, no cajoling, no explaining, no tearful talks, no nothing. IT WAS EASY AS PIE. He wanted to marry me kind of immediately. I could tell. He was honored to be with me. And he was leagues above anyone I’d ever met before, in every way you can imagine.

There won’t be any of this angst when you meet the right one. There will be an unspoken certainty between you of your future together. It will be understood between you without speaking it but you will also enjoy marveling over it together.

I look back and cannot believe I allowed previous bfs to get away with their antics.

The right one won’t have to be told. Stop telling the wrong one that he’s the right one. Stop trying to convince yourself the wrong one is the right one.

I hope some of this is penetrating your noggin. The problem is, at this moment you don’t know what’s possible and you’ve never had the real thing. But Op, if you don’t let go of this crooked loser who gaslights you, you will never find the right one. Because you’re tied up in knots over the wrong one. While your fertility drains away. Think. Think of what’s possible and what you deserve. See, he doesn’t care about that. But the right one will.

You’re working way too hard for a loser. Bin.

Op, please hone your sleaze radar.

Do you realize what he’s done? He has found that little place inside you that knows he’s the wrong one. That little place that guided you into having a good relationship with his daughter but not a full on parenting role because you know deep down that you won’t ever be her parent or stepparent because of what a sleaze her father is and how devastating for her it would be to develop a very strong bond with you and then her father move on from you when he’s ready. That’s the only thing he’ll ever be ready for. So, you’re careful to not hurt her in getting too close. He knows this and presses on it and twists it to make you feel guilty and stay appended to him. Do you understand? That’s how manipulators work.

I was afraid to be the one to move on, the one to give up on on the relationship too, Op. That’s the crux of it, isn’t it? You’re thinking, what if he really is the one? And if I do this or that, or convince him of this or that, we will have a happily ever after. That you can’t be the one to end it because what if he is the one, then you’d lose him. No, Op. You won’t have to do ANY of this hard work with the right one. That’s how you will know.

This one is a wrong un. Find your dignity and self worth.

You’re convenient for now, that’s all it is to him.

Achingly perceptive comment. 🌹

YABU I was in a very similar situation to you, and once you have to start issuing ultimatums it’s better that you just break up. Find somebody who wants the same things as you and don’t waste your time and tears on this man. He will string you along, and then you will have missed your chance.

Ah, right.

So he'll then use the 'thought you'd be a better Mum than to want to palm your kid off onto somebody else' tactic when you expect him to take care of a future child. That means he has no interest in parenting himself - he's already tried to outsource it to you with the current kid and is complaining because you haven't accepted the role he thinks you should do because you're female and he, the mighty Male, couldn't ever be expected to trouble himself with.

You're an 'I suppose she'll do until I find the slightly dim, impossibly wealthy 22 year old lingerie model that'll be impressed by me at 45. After all, somebody's supposed to look after the kid for me and do the housework whilst paying the bills'.

Part of his excuse is that I'm not maternal with his daughter and that I needed to prove that first

oh. My. God. Wtaf?!?! I can’t believe he said this to you. What a manipulative bastard. So now he is blaming you for the fact he won’t commit . Telling you you aren’t mummy material. He’s nasty . I’ve changed my view, OP. No more talks/ second chances, you need to put this one in the bin , he’s a piece of work.

Please do not waste one more minute on this man.

Part of his excuse is that I'm not maternal with his daughter and that I needed to prove that first

As she already has a Mum, I'm guessing that his version of being "maternal" means doing childcare so he can go out, doing school pick-ups/drop-offs, cooking, supervising homework, keeping her entertained, making sure she brushes her teeth, helping with hair washing and generally providing 24/7 on-tap childcare?