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Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
Rainyday4321 · 13/07/2023 15:04

this convo goes like this

‘I’d like to get married and have kids.

It doesn’t look as if you do

Given that, I think it’s best we go our separate ways.

I if things change, let me know.

Bye.’

no stomping arguing or blocking.

just leave the ball in his court. You might never hear from him again. If you do hear from him then you can be clear about asking him what’s changed.

but have the space.

sandyhappypeople · 13/07/2023 15:26

If he wants to talk calmly and rationally then a good starting off point would be to unpack everything that happened with regards to him calling off the engagement, he should be able to tell you why, what he was thinking at the time, and what has changed now for him to want to continue the relationship? That is a really important decision he made off his own back and you need to make sure he’s being fully honest with you about it all, and you are 100% happy that the explanation he gives you is the truth.

I think that as well as a discussion about where you both see your future going will be all the information you need to make a decision.

Ultimately, You can’t MAKE someone want to marry you and have children, but in your heart of hearts I think you already know your answer, it’s just difficult to let go when you’ve invested so much in something for so long, give him a chance to say his piece, but do not let him string you along any further.

good luck op!

AngeloMysterioso · 13/07/2023 15:37

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/07/2023 14:57

You'll break up and he'll be married with a kid this time next year. Happens more often than you think

Agreed. Seven years is long enough. Half that time is long enough. I’m really sorry OP, it may not be what you were hoping for, but if it wasn’t you a year ago it’s still not gonna be you in a year’s time.

LogicVoid · 13/07/2023 15:56

Either he will 'agree' to get on with marriage and children - or he won't. Either way, he is a dud. Honestly, you really can do better. Seven years FFS!

clarebear111 · 13/07/2023 15:56

OP, one of the most important decisions that you will make in your life is who you have children with (given you've already decided you want them).

It sounds to me that your DP doesn't value you, and I don't see how marriage or having children will change that. Indeed, it could make it worse. Having children is not easy and you will need someone who is on your team to help with the heavy lifting in the early years in particular. How does the thought of waking up next to your DP in 5, 10, 15 years time make you feel? I think the answer to that question will tell you quite clearly what you need to do.

I would also say that there are no guarantees with fertility, even if you have regular periods and all the signs are positive. Would you consider going for a fertility check up, if you haven't already? Knowledge is power and you would be in a position to make a more informed choice once you know the lie of the land.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 13/07/2023 16:10

A chat is good, but it's just words
Choose few words yourself
I want us to book a date to marry in the next 12 months then try for a baby
If you won't agree to this then we both need to move on... after 7 years

FancyShmanci · 13/07/2023 16:26

12 months, are you nuts!
I'd be saying 12 days down a registry office.

pomers · 13/07/2023 16:34

Get rid; block; cut all contact. He has no intention of marrying you

FancyShmanci · 13/07/2023 16:39

@Kayley401 Is he bringing a lot more financially/property/land to the relationship? Is that the real reason he doesn't want to marry?

CloverHilla · 13/07/2023 16:41

I'm sorry to say but what he means by "in the right circumstances" is not with you, but with someone else.
After 7 years of he can't commit (& I wouldn't trust him now to commit under pressure) then you should walk away. Don't give a chance to waste anymore years of your life.

zingally · 13/07/2023 16:49

I think the fact he HASN'T given you an answer, is all the answer you need. Throw the whole man in the bin.

madeleine85 · 13/07/2023 17:11

I've seen ultimatums absolutely work, they're married, happy, have a little one.

On the flip side, I knew someone who was a new wife of a guy she hadn't been dating long. He left his ex girlfriend to pursue her, and he had wasted 10 years of her time dating and refusing to commit to marriage, which was just shitty. This is the worst case scenario, where the guy wastes your best years. It is completely reasonable to give him an ultimatum, though you may not like the outcome.

daisychain01 · 13/07/2023 17:19

Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

Be prepared for him to agree to what you want, but remember that's only because his back's to the wall and he feels cornered. So he'll agree to anything now in the heat of the moment. These are not ideal circumstances, not given the background of your relationship. If it were me, I'd say the ship has sailed.

MarieG10 · 14/07/2023 06:27

Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

Listen to what he says, but if he is now talking marriage you have the dreadful uncertainty you have forced his hand. Is that what you really want? I 'now I wouldn't and definitely not have kids with that uncertainty. However, i appreciate you biological clock will overrule common sense

Pipsquiggle · 14/07/2023 08:17

@Kayley401

Did you have your chat?
How did it go? What did he say?

Original poster
Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 08:56

@Pipsquiggle He had his daughter yesterday so we didn't talk.

OP posts:
Flyonthewall01 · 14/07/2023 09:27

Ah so he already has a child. Was he married before? And are you sure he wants more children if he already had one? Could it be he’s humouring you to keep you around?

Silvered · 14/07/2023 10:17

Flyonthewall01 · 14/07/2023 09:27

Ah so he already has a child. Was he married before? And are you sure he wants more children if he already had one? Could it be he’s humouring you to keep you around?

That's what it sounds like. He already has a child so he's been there and done that. The whole "when the circumstances are right" just screams that he's future faking. If you ask him what needs to happen, then I bet the excuses will change each time, with every variation being just out of reach and needing another year or two....

And all the while he's still getting what he wants - which is regular sex in exchange for some empty promises he has no intention of keeping.

He is literally running out your fertile years. If you end up finally dumping him when you're 45 with no children and mad as hell, what's he lost? Nothing! He can quite happily mosey on and find someone else to string along for a few years. Meanwhile you've lost your fertile years and have no way back.

IF HE WANTED TO MARRY YOU HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO BY NOW. Bin him.

DPotter · 14/07/2023 10:49

Hang on - he requested to meet you to discuss your futures and then turned up with his child so you couldn't talk about your futures. That's not just stringing you along, that rubbing your nose in it as well. How callous.

I'll change my advice - just cut him off, and look forward to a future without him.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2023 11:23

There is nothing to talk about with him OP. Why waste your time on a bunch of word salad when what you need to do is move on with your life and focus on the things that you want.
He is deliberately stringing you along

Pipsquiggle · 14/07/2023 11:30

@Kayley401
That's one heck of a drip feed - he already has a child!!!

Would you say he's a natural / good dad? Or does he find it a bit too much of a chore?

Actually, it doesn't matter. He knows what parenting entails, he has zero compulsion to start another family. He is taking the piss.

In the words of Oprah Winfrey
'If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.'

Hibiscrubbed · 14/07/2023 11:33

Don’t waste anymore time on him. If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked you.

He’ll do the absolute bare minimum now and fill your head with empty promises to keep you so his life doesn’t change, but all that will happen will be you still don’t get anything you want and you wind up wasting even more time on him.

Tinkietot · 14/07/2023 11:37

Nope, when I was 20 I made it super clear to my now husband that I wanted marriage and kids. If he didn’t think that was on the cards I didn’t want to progress the relationship.

If he can’t commit cut your losses and run, unfortunately you’re in your 30s which adds time pressure and he’s messing you around.

Original poster
Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 11:37

So his child was from a relationship 10 years ago (not planned) and he's never been married.

Part of his excuse is that I'm not maternal with his daughter and that I needed to prove that first. Me and his daughter get along really well - more like friends but I'm not there to be in place of her mum - she has a mum but I'm always there.

I tried to explain it's different when you have your own child (so I've been told) but he just takes offence to this

OP posts:
GeekyThings · 14/07/2023 11:43

Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 11:37

So his child was from a relationship 10 years ago (not planned) and he's never been married.

Part of his excuse is that I'm not maternal with his daughter and that I needed to prove that first. Me and his daughter get along really well - more like friends but I'm not there to be in place of her mum - she has a mum but I'm always there.

I tried to explain it's different when you have your own child (so I've been told) but he just takes offence to this

He's winding you up - firstly, you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone, this is your decision as an adult that you want to have a child; and secondly he's only saying that because there's no real way you can do it - even if you pretended to be more mumsy with his kid, he can just change the goalposts again to say it isn't enough. It may also make you fall out with her (because she doesn't want that kind of relationship with you, which is fair enough), which he would then use as another excuse of how you failed.

He doesn't want to have a child with you, he just wants you there. He's already got a child so he doesn't care that you do. This conversation is pointless, just say to him that you are ready to have children now, but as he can't commit then you are ending the relationship so you can find someone who wants the same thing as you, with you. That's it.

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