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Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
Readyplayerthr33 · 13/07/2023 12:03

Just grow up @Kayley401

If he wanted marriage and kids with you then you’d be married and having kids.

You’re not. After 7 years. That’s your answer.

He does not want you to be his wife. He does not want kids with you. You’re easy sex and comfortable. That’s all. That’s all he wants.

If you want kids then leave him and start looking. Even wasting another year waiting for this man seriously reduces your chances of being able to get pregnant with someone else. At this point, every year really does matter. Spend the next year finding a partner who is worth it and then you can get married and have kids.

This man does not want you.

Elfandwellbeing · 13/07/2023 12:08

What are the right circumstances in his opinion?

what are the right circumstances in your opinion?

Compromises? What are they ?

BlowDryRat · 13/07/2023 12:08

He's had 7 years to think about it. If he doesn't want to marry and have kids with you now, he's not going to later either. Time is not on your side. Dump him and move on.

Tandora · 13/07/2023 12:10

Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

Tell him you want a commitment to marriage and starting a family on your timeline. Say you understand if he doesn’t feel ready/ isn’t in that place- that’s totally fair enough and his prerogative , but those are your needs and you are not willing to continue a relationship in which your needs are not being met. That’s all there is to say .

DPotter · 13/07/2023 12:16

I know this will hurt - you feel torn in two. You want a settled married future with children. You've been with this man for 7 years, love him but he's messing you about, big time. You feel that your not in control. So - take control. Give yourself some space.

Tell him you need time to think things through and he's not to contact you - you'll contact him when you're ready. And make it clear to him - when you do contact him, it may be to say it's all over, I'm moving on. All the time you're in contact, you can't find the space to think straight, to think unthinkable of breaking up with him completely.

If he accepts this, then maybe, just maybe there's a future for the 2 of you. However if you decide to give the relationship another chance, I wouldn't be settling for dating, it would be engagement announcement, a date to marry within a year type scenario. You would need to make this clear to him too.

I'll be honest, I think it's a lost cause, but at least this way, you've given yourself and him a good chance

pontipinemum · 13/07/2023 12:17

Do you want to get married or have children first?

I think I'd say to him you are coming off contraceptive now to see what he thinks of that. If having kids is now what does he think? If you say you want to start trying in January 2024 he will probably just agree regardless of if he means it or not.

It could take ages to have a successful pregnancy. I stopped taking the pill after I got married at 30, after a few MCs I had DS at 34. So it's not guaranteed it'll happen quickly.

DPotter · 13/07/2023 12:18

Oh - and yes your ultimatum is totally fair. You're putting your own needs clearly on the table

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2023 12:26

Don't fall for him wanting to do the asking and picking the right moment, or wanting a big wedding in a certain venue. If you both want to marry, get it done. As suggested in three months you can plan and have a wedding. I'd get an immediate fertility test, you might not have a few years to wait.

Daisydu · 13/07/2023 12:28

Don’t waste anymore time on him. Go and find someone who wants the things you do

OhComeOnFFS · 13/07/2023 12:30

I would listen to what he had to say and not say a word. If he proposes, then fine. Tell him to go and book the registry office before the weekend.

Personally I wouldn't be able to trust him now.

Chatterboxy · 13/07/2023 12:34

You’ve got a cock lodger!

forrestgreen · 13/07/2023 12:36

How will you know this isn't a knee jerk reaction from him.

If this was something he wanted he'd do it. I think he wants the idea of it but it doesn't seem right to him. That means he doesn't think you're the one for him. Sorry

Pearlsaminga · 13/07/2023 12:37

Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

He's just playing for time, I would mess him around to get my own back
You might want to just cut him loose though 🤷

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 13/07/2023 12:44

Kayley401 · 13/07/2023 11:25

Update: He's now saying he wants to sit down and have a calm chat about everything.

Can anyone give me some ideas on what to say and how to say it? I want to make sure I stick to my guns but I want to get the message across in a clear way. Also any questions to ask him that would make it clear that he's just trying to draw me back in?

Hopefully that makes sense - thanks

*he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

I'd ask him what are the 'right circumstances'?

Actions speak louder than words. He can say he wants marriage and kids all he wants but he isn't acting on it.

NeedToChangeName · 13/07/2023 12:45

Sorry OP, but your posts scream "sunk costs fallacy" to me. Basically, having invested so much time and effort into the relationship, you are reluctant to walk away

That's understandable, but actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to be married, you'd be married by now

Him wanting to sit down and discuss is SO predictable. He'll give you some yarn about how important and special you are, but he just needs a bit longer

If you do separate, be prepared for him to meet and marry someone else very quickly. That's quite common. I expect he does want to marry, but not to you

Stay strong and keep moving forward. And remember that time spent with your current partner is time that you are choosing to make yourself unavailable to meet someone else. Be the master of your own ship and start making decisions that are in your own best interests

Good luck

WunWun · 13/07/2023 12:52

If you have to give him ultimatums and sit down with him as though you're going to court, then he just doesn't want it. I'm sorry x

What could the right conditions be if he wants a family with you? It's nonsense

Silvered · 13/07/2023 12:57

I want to be married within the next 12 months, and I want to TTC as soon as I am married. I will not TTC without being married first, and having been with you for seven years, I am not willing to wait any longer to get married.

Nothing else to say.

UseOfWeapons · 13/07/2023 12:58

Readyplayerthr33 · 13/07/2023 12:03

Just grow up @Kayley401

If he wanted marriage and kids with you then you’d be married and having kids.

You’re not. After 7 years. That’s your answer.

He does not want you to be his wife. He does not want kids with you. You’re easy sex and comfortable. That’s all. That’s all he wants.

If you want kids then leave him and start looking. Even wasting another year waiting for this man seriously reduces your chances of being able to get pregnant with someone else. At this point, every year really does matter. Spend the next year finding a partner who is worth it and then you can get married and have kids.

This man does not want you.

Sorry, OP, but I agree with this.
You're flogging a dead horse - he doesn't want the things that you want.
End it, move on, and have a happier life.

Pipsquiggle · 13/07/2023 13:43

Silvered · 13/07/2023 12:57

I want to be married within the next 12 months, and I want to TTC as soon as I am married. I will not TTC without being married first, and having been with you for seven years, I am not willing to wait any longer to get married.

Nothing else to say.

This and show him this graph.

My DH hadn't really grasped the whole fertility drop off in women.
I was in a similar position. I told my then BF of 5 years in my early 30s that we better start trying for a family due to my declining egg count. He proposed 2 weeks later.

TBH though it's been 7 years. You both should know whether you want to take this natural next step. Is it about money? If so, that shouldn't be a barrier, weddings don't have to be expensive.

These conversations shouldn't be this hard or long drawn-out. He either needs to step up immediately or exit left. From your descriptions, he sound like a cocklodger.

Is my ultimatum unfair?
biscuits777 · 13/07/2023 13:56

What is there to talk about op? You want to be married and have kids and he wants to prolong it potentially forever.
The more you are talking to this man the less chance you have of moving on and actually having those things. I'm actually furious on your behalf that he has strung you along knowing there is a cut off for children for a woman. He's actually willing to prevent you having children.
Tell him it's over and you're not interested. And mean it.

Helpsos12 · 13/07/2023 14:26

End this relationship op . Please.

Wishimaywishimight · 13/07/2023 14:28

No matter what he says now you will always feel that he had to be dragged up the aisle and into fatherhood.

Time to show him you know what you want and you know your worth. Tell him you wish him well but you have decided it's time to move on.

poetryandwine · 13/07/2023 14:51

My story with my first fiance is very similar to yours, OP, although it played out in four years. I had enough and walked away. He then seemed to realise what he’d lost but I had truly moved on. Best thing I ever did. DH is 10x the man in every way. But I knew I was better off well before we had met. I had not realised the cost of that relationship until I was clear of it.

I am afraid I think that ‘wanting to talk calmly’ is wanting to hear enough from you to figure out what he can say to temporarily placate you. I think you should move on.

But if you agree to meet, I am strongly with @OhComeOnFFS in recommending that you let him do all the talking. Don’t give him any leads. See what he comes up with on his own. I don’t think he will have much, because I think he is trying to manipulate you and he needs cues to do that.

AngeloMysterioso · 13/07/2023 14:55

Kayley401 · 12/07/2023 06:57

Thank you everyone - he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

The right circumstances being when something “better” comes along and in the meantime he’s just keeping you on the boil so he has someone to fall back on.

TeachesOfPeaches · 13/07/2023 14:57

You'll break up and he'll be married with a kid this time next year. Happens more often than you think