Is my ultimatum unfair?

[Kayley401]

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

for something like having kids you shouldn’t have to be issuing ultimatums
Walk away

This.

100% this.
I know its hard to walk away from a relationship and sometimes you need a catalyst. Maybe you are looking for the ultimatum to give you the excuse/push to end it.

Run dont walk and find someone better

I’m not sure how this ultimatum would work. He commits to marriage but doesn’t have to go through with it? Would there be a timeframe? Don’t you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to commit to you and does so willingly and enthusiastically?

I don’t ask this in a cruel way but to have you look at the situation clearly. This is your supposed life partner your talking about. I kind of feel like you want someone that doesn’t’ get a wobble’ when it comes to you.

He's made his decision and given you the answer!

I'm a firm believer in "if a guy's interested, you'll know".

After 7 years he knows what he wants - and it's not marriage and children with you!

He doesn't want kids with you. He doesn't want to commit to you. He wants to have sex with you.

You can give him any ultimatum you want. It isn't unfair. But it won't work. He isn't going to turn into a man who really wants to settle down and have children with you.

Sorry OP but you can do much better. Let this one go. Stop communicating with him and move on.

Don’t walk OP, RUN. If you really want marriage and children then you need to get away from this man asap and find someone with similar life goals. I know too many women who waited on men who then left for younger women and got married and had kids and the woman was then too old. I don’t mean to be harsh, but don’t let this happen to you!! Go and get what you want!!

Look at what he does, not what he says
I'm sorry but if he wanted to marry you, you'd be married
End it now or you're just prolonging your agony

An ultimatum is useless unless you actually follow through. Sounds like he knows he can 'talk' you round?

And if he agrees, how do you know he's not just doing whatever it takes to 'get back to normal'? I mean, he can agree and then string it out as he's already done.
So, whilst I don't think an ultimatum you're prepared to follow through with is a bad idea, I can't see how 'this' one is going to work for you 🤷‍♀️

Ive voted yabu becUsr you are still with him. You didnt give him an ultimatum. You want to force him to marry you. He doesnt want to.

you said it is wither marriage and kids or go separate ways.
he said no marriage and kids.

so this is when you leave.

It isn't time for him to choose, he won't . Stop waiting around, it is time for you to choose.

I voted YABU as I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go about this. Why do you need him to make a decision, stand up for yourself and make your own decision. Leave if you're not getting what you want.

I'm concerned that you don't grasp that the only reason he will propose (again), is to shut you up. It will be meaningless.

He has chosen. It's not you.

You've given him 7 years of your life and he dumped you. He's not got any intention of marriage and kids. Look for someone who wants what you do. You're 33 you can't wait about forever or it will be too late for you. Then he'll probably dump you for a younger model. End it.

The onIy thing unreasonabIe about this is that you are Ieaving your future up to him. TeIIing him to choose, and waiting for that decision. TeII him that you have very different visions of the future, and that you wiII be going after yours, without him. Take responsibiIity for your own future. ShouId you push him into a marriage that he cIearIy does not want, it wiII not end weII.

This.

Why be with someone you need to prod?

Hold out for a man who enthusiastically wants to be your husband.

Don't settle for the dregs.

YABU - but towards yourself, not him. Because do you honestly think there’s even a tiny chance he’ll come to a decision and say “Yes, that’s what I want - marriage and kids. I’m ready at last”? He won’t.

He isn’t even bothering trying to stall you anymore. He’s actively telling you it’s unfair to even ask him to make a decision. He’s already opting out. So YOU have to make a different decision - and you know what it should be.

I fear you are caught up in sunk costs fallacy, but you really do need to move on as you don't have the time to waste.

100% this. Don’t fool yourself into thinking “But I might not get a chance if it’s not with him”. It isn’t going to be with him. You need to take the risk.

I had a relative who was with a man a number of year's. She was almost 30. She was starting to see her friends get married and have kids. She asked her boyfriend about when they get married and have kids. He had any number of excuses. She broke up with him but went back to him a short while later.
She is now in her mid 50's,single and childless because she did not walk away from him.

If you want you want to get married and have a family you need to walk away from a man you won't commit. I would not be wasting any more time with the man your with and tell him the reason why. Tell him I know you won't marry me so I can't wait for you to grow up.
At 33 I would be moving on and trying to met someone who wants the same as you.

You are not being unreasonable. You want to know where you stand. The issue is if he wanted to marry/have kids he would be telling you. He isn't. If he does it now it will be forced which isn't good for either of you. I'd move on. You deserve better

Quit giving him the power over your future. Take it back, choose yourself and run away from him.

The man you deserve isn’t one that needs an ultimatum to get married and have kids. He’ll be the one that can’t imagine NOT marrying you and having babies. The one who doesn’t ‘wobble’ with commitment (whatever that means. I suspect cheating).

You deserve better.

Totally agree. If he isn't sure after 7 years then you have your answer. Don't waste more time like a lot of women have and posted like you in MN

It isn’t unfair to be clear about what you want from a relationship. On the contrary, it’s good to be clear and not waste your partner’s time.

This “unfair” rubbish is his crude way of trying to shut you up and make the conversation go away. He needs to do this because if he told the truth - that he doesn’t want family life with you - you’d leave him. So he’s shelving the matter by telling you you’re being unfair. This way, he’s wasting your time, which is no good at any point but it’s terrible when it’s well into the fertile years of a woman who wants children.

Seeing as how he has broken it off once anyway, I can’t see him wanting what you want, and neither can I see why you’d want to. You wouldn’t want to bungee jump if the bungee had snapped once and been hastily sewn back together. You’d want a fresh, never snapped bungee. He’s the broken bungee in this.

I’ve seen this happen a lot.

i know it’s sad, @Kayley401 but he’s not the man for you.

He doesn’t want to try again, he just wants a shag.