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Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
libertybonds · 14/07/2023 18:10

YABU to give him the time of day

Lefteyetwitch · 14/07/2023 18:58

I don't even balme him anymore. You're utterly ridiculous

Original poster
Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 20:20

@Lefteyetwitch your comment in uncalled for . I’m struggling at the moment and I don’t need nasty comments.

OP posts:
TunnocksOrDeath · 14/07/2023 20:50

Crispyturtle · 14/07/2023 11:59

If you have to give someone an ultimatum to get them to marry you, you shouldn’t get married. And frankly, why would you want to marry someone that you have to badger into marrying you?!

This.

Lefteyetwitch · 14/07/2023 21:22

Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 20:20

@Lefteyetwitch your comment in uncalled for . I’m struggling at the moment and I don’t need nasty comments.

So do something about it. You remind me of Ned Flanders parents

You've tried nothing and you're all out of ideas.

Again if this is what you're worth you do you. But he's got everything he wants.
It's not to marry ot parent with you ever but there we go.

Original poster
Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 21:28

@Lefteyetwitch i get what you’re saying and I know I have to do something about it but when you own a house, have a dog and been together so long it’s hard to face up to it

OP posts:
Kimten · 14/07/2023 21:31

Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 21:28

@Lefteyetwitch i get what you’re saying and I know I have to do something about it but when you own a house, have a dog and been together so long it’s hard to face up to it

You have to face up to it.
He does not want to marry you.
You're fine for a shag though - according to him.

Lefteyetwitch · 14/07/2023 21:31

Kayley401 · 14/07/2023 21:28

@Lefteyetwitch i get what you’re saying and I know I have to do something about it but when you own a house, have a dog and been together so long it’s hard to face up to it

It's not like this happened over night. You've had years.
The reality is if you want marrige and kids it's taken you how many years to get here?

So think of having to do that all again to get what you want right now.
You have to go out. Date. Meet the wrong guys and try again.
Then actually date and get to know each other....

Tick tok tick tok

sandyhappypeople · 14/07/2023 22:06

Have you managed to have a chat with him yet OP?

Sensibletrousers · 14/07/2023 23:02

Don’t stick with a decision just because you’ve spent years making it.

Google “sunk cost fallacy”

You have time to change the direction of your life. No more waiting. Take control.

dearJayne · 14/07/2023 23:34

He would have been put out the door when he called the first engagement off.

biscuits777 · 15/07/2023 02:30

You do not have to prove your maternal instincts before a baby op. That is the most manipulative thing I've ever heard. No one in any normal situation has to prove their maternal instincts prior to conceiving. His ex didn't.
Wouldn't you love to be with someone who just couldn't wait to spend their life with you? Who is excited for a baby and tells you what a great mum you'll be? Who can't wait to see a little you running around?
What has he proved to you to make him good husband material? Absolutely nothing.

Kugela · 15/07/2023 10:52

@Kayley401 The house can be sold and the dog can live with you, him or each of you in turn when you move out. You could contact an estate agent today to discuss putting the house on the market and look for a rental property to move into within a few weeks.

Do you have family and friends around? Would they support you to leave if you asked them?

Helpsos12 · 16/07/2023 07:07

@Kayley401 I hope you can end this he sounds nasty . You deserve better . Don’t take him back either !

Pipsquiggle · 16/07/2023 08:04

@Kayley401
Have you had the chat yet?
Hope you are OK

CatServant2020 · 16/07/2023 10:00

Oh well, we'll see you again in the future OP when you make another post about him, we'll then tell you again that he has no intention of marrying you and your fertility will have decreased more so let's hope you decide that you don't want kids.

Everyone will tell you that if he hasn't married you by then that he doesn't want to marry you and you can ignore what everyone is saying again.

I'd say have a happy life but you won't with him

Hankunamatata · 16/07/2023 10:02

I think it's time to cut your losses. I wouldn't give him ultimatum I'd move on and try and meet someone else who wants to get married and start a family.

ChristmasFluff · 16/07/2023 10:07

It's not an ultimatum unless you follow through.

But you already had your answer when he called off the engagement. I know it's hard, but the poster above speaking about sunk-costs fallacy is right. He's hoodwinked you into wasting enough time already.

He's a wobbler, and you can never trust the commitment of a wobbler.

Pipsquiggle · 17/07/2023 22:18

How are you doing OP?

PaigeMatthews · 19/07/2023 06:47

Honestly reading all op’s posts I dont know why you want to marry him. He sounds awful.’

Daleksatemyshed · 19/07/2023 09:27

I know it's hard to change your whole life but you're never going to get what you want @Kayley401 unless you do. He's got the child he wants and keeping you as a GF means he gets what he wants without committment, he had a child without marrying the DM so why would he feel he has to marry you to have another?

Quite honestly he's not the bargain he thinks he is, read the Step parent board Op and see how many women find their live far harder being a SM, less money, less time, their DH's feeling guilty for having another family, he's already expecting you to do his parenting for him if you marry.
There's other men, better men, out there Op, sell the house and take the dog. I think when you say you're leaving and taking your share of the house you'll see the real him and it won't be pretty

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