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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:13

Did you give him a time frame?

bumblebee2235 · 12/07/2023 06:43

It's more unfair to dismiss you desires from a relationship so you end up wasting years with him to never get what you want.

I don't see that as an ultimatum it's a... I want marriage or kids.. if you don't we will move on and find a suitable partner for our goals in a relationship!

MakeItRain · 12/07/2023 06:48

YANBU but now you have to follow through with your ultimatum. You've said what you want and he's basically saying he can't give you that.

PowerBMI · 12/07/2023 06:53

I don’t think it’s unfair.

I think it’s pointless. It’s obvious he doesn’t want to commit and marry you. And even if he says he will marry you, you know deep down he doesn’t really see that either with you or at all.

You are setting yourself up to be miserable. Even one I know in RL that have set this ultimatum and got what they wanted have been unhappy anyway. They feel they had to strong arm their partner into marriage. People want to feel like their partner chose to marry them, not just accepted or because it was easier than ending it an walking away.

Divorce usually quickly follows.

SullysBabyMama · 12/07/2023 06:55

I would throw this one back and focus on what you want in life. It’s not him.
If he does agree to marriage and kids, he will likely be an uninvolved parent and you will be doing it all, he will constantly remind you that you forced him into it.

Original poster
Kayley401 · 12/07/2023 06:57

Thank you everyone - he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

OP posts:
Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:58

Kayley401 · 12/07/2023 06:57

Thank you everyone - he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

What's his definition of the right circumstances?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/07/2023 07:03

Meeting · 12/07/2023 06:58

What's his definition of the right circumstances?

Show quote history

With somebody else he hasn't met yet - not the OP.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/07/2023 07:06

If he genuinely wanted these things now you'd not be left wondering. He's stringing you along, in your shoes I'd finish it once and for all and look for someone who's ready to commit now

RichardsGear · 12/07/2023 07:07

You're flogging a dead horse. Move on.

ChubbyMorticia · 12/07/2023 07:08

Kayley401 · 12/07/2023 06:57

Thank you everyone - he says he wants a family and kids more than anything but wants it in the right circumstances.

this has been his excuse all along - which without context seems reasonable but I just feel it’s excuses

Then he’s telling you that this relationship isn’t the right circumstances. Or he’s flat out lying. Either way, ditch him

LlynTegid · 12/07/2023 07:10

Reasonable, though you must go through with it. A short timeframe too.

Lefteyetwitch · 12/07/2023 07:11

You're a fool of you stay with him. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth.
He will cause you misery in the future and it'll be your fault.

You can ignore this many red flags and years of blatant BS and then still act clueless.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 12/07/2023 07:12

It is all just excuses. You know this. Its been 7 YEARS. If you stay with him then you need to accept that marriage and children will not happen for you. Stop falling for his bullshit, you are a grown woman with agency.

Namechanger1002 · 12/07/2023 07:15

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/07/2023 07:03

With somebody else he hasn't met yet - not the OP.

Show quote history

This. Sorry OP.
I gave an ultimatum when I was young and stupid. It didn’t end well - still married but not lived with him for 10 years. 2 kids from the marriage.
People who want to marry and have a family just do it. People who don’t (with their current partner) hedge their bets and play for time until The One appears for them.

user1492757084 · 12/07/2023 07:16

Seven wasted years with a not funny joker.
Move out and do not move in with another lad without a ring and a commitment.
If you want a marriage and children don't settle on anything less.

savethatkitty · 12/07/2023 07:21

Bin him & focus your time & effort on finding a bloke who wants the same things as you.

Pawpatrolsucks · 12/07/2023 07:25

Been there and have the tshirt. He said how dare you tell me what to do with my life, it’s my decision. Don’t put pressure on me. I said ok let’s split up. He wanted to stay friends, I think he was planning to wait a while and see how he felt once he had some time being single. I met someone else, got married and have three kids.

rainbowstardrops · 12/07/2023 07:33

After seven years together and he desperately wants marriage and children but 'under the right circumstances'. So what on earth does he think the right circumstances look like?!
He'd know by now if he wants to have these things with you, so I'd be giving him an ultimatum too!

MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 07:41

If you have to beg someone to marry you after 7 years and after he’s already reneged on an engagement, then Op, he is not the one. He will never be the one.

He will never, ever, be the one.

Don’t waste another millisecond on him. You’re 33. Get out there and find the one.

The right one will quickly know that you’re the one, you won’t have to tell him or beg. A little secret, when it’s the right person, it is easy. There is no angst or worry or wondering or fretting.

My first date with the guy I married took me for a drive in a pretty neighborhood with characterful houses and said he’d like to live there someday.

A year later we were married, a year after that, we moved into a house in that neighborhood. We both knew very quickly. It is magic, Op. You deserve that. Everybody does.

I was 28 and previous boyfriends had been absolute duds. And hard work.

Your partner should feel honored to marry you and should want to marry you as soon as possible.

MysteryBelle · 12/07/2023 07:42

Even if he marries you he won’t be the one. Be glad you won’t have to go through a divorce.

TheHandbag · 12/07/2023 07:46

In the bin with him as they say, he just wants you to service his needs and nothing else. He doesn't respect you enough to commit to marriage and a family. Why would he, he's got everything he wants on tap without the commitment.

I can guarantee you that if you do marry him, you'll end up divorced and a single parent. Avoid the inevitable heartache, think like a man and ditch him without thinking twice.

Dreamsy · 12/07/2023 07:56

You are NBU! When you end up having to issue ultimatums, the relationship is already gone. You deserve (like everyone else) to be with someone who is enthusiastic about building a future with you. You don't want to drag someone down the aisle, you deserve much better. Leave, don't look back, and find someone else. 33 is plenty young!

SoWhatEh · 12/07/2023 07:58

You don't want children with a man who can't commit to marriage after seven years! Manchild.

I would actually leave. Painful, but you are young enough to find someone who wants what you do.

SheerLucks · 12/07/2023 07:58

You are being completely fair and doing what's best for you. Keep at it!