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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my ultimatum unfair?

221 replies

Kayley401 · 11/07/2023 20:49

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 7 years.

He’s had a few wobbles with commitment and he broke off our engagement last year. He now wants to try again but I can’t risk him having another wobble - I desperately want to settle down and start a family - I’m 33 and don’t want to waste anymore time if he’s just going to keep making excuses.

I’ve said to him he either commits to marriage and starting a family or we go our separate ways. He says it not fair to put him in that position but surely he should know after this amount of time?

He keeps trying to sleep with me like it’s just a joke but I keep pushing him away repeating myself in the hope he’ll give me answer.

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

OP posts:
SylvieB74 · 11/07/2023 22:03

YADNBU

FOJN · 11/07/2023 22:06

Am I being unfair or am I right to make him choose?

You could choose.

Free yourself from someone who doesn't enthusiastically share your life goals and find someone who does.

He could make all sorts of promises and not follow through on them until you, metaphorically, put a gun to his head and then you will always wonder if he's really committed anyway.

towriteyoumustlive · 11/07/2023 22:07

YANBU.

After 7 years if he still has to think about it then there is your answer.

Same with my ex. I was nearly 30 and after 5 years he still wasn't sure. I walked away.

I did go on to meet someone else and have a family.

Marblessolveeverything · 11/07/2023 22:08

You have set out your boundaries and your needs. He can choose to progress the relationship or not.

The alternative is staying on the hamster wheel.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2023 22:08

Don’t waste your time. You deserve to be with someone who shares your dreams and is committed you. Your children deserve a dad who was proactive in wanting them!

I know it’s scary walking away but staying with him and not living the life you really want is much worse. He’ll string you along as long as he can, emotionally blackmailing you and grumbling along the way and you’ll end up reserving him so much you hate him.

Spare yourself further disappointment and call it a day.

Rainbowshit · 11/07/2023 22:08

He's not going to come through for you. Move on. Don't waste your fertility on him.

jacks11 · 11/07/2023 22:10

I think ultimatum’s don’t really work- you might get a promise that they will do what you want/are putting pressure on then to do, but will they actually see it through? I think they are more likely to agree, but then not follow through. Which just wastes both of your time.

Honestly, I think if he wanted to marry you and start a family he would done so after 7 years. He hasn’t and I strongly suspect isn’t going to- he may start saying the right things if you make it clear that you’ll end your relationship if he doesn’t want to move in the direction you do, but I doubt he’ll see them through. He may care for you, but not enough to be sure to commit to you in the longer term- you are a good “back up” option.

I think it is better to make a clean break and move on, better for both of you.

TakeMyStrongHand · 11/07/2023 22:11

What's a wobble with commitment?

Sounds like an absolute bellend. Get rid and don't look back. I'm assuming he is around 33 also and not the 13 he is acting.

Ivyiris · 11/07/2023 22:12

You need to know where you stand, you know what you want long term he needs to tell you

RainbowZebraaaa · 11/07/2023 22:15

Please don't waste anymore time on him. Even if he did say yes let's get married you'll always know that he commited under the pressure of an ultimatum rather than feeling like he wanted to on his own.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/07/2023 22:16

I agree with others - you're not unreasonable to give him this ultimatum, you're unreasonable to not take his response at face value and just dump him.

dudsville · 11/07/2023 22:17

He's putting himself in that position by not being honest with you, maybe he's even lying to himself, who knows. When i clicked on your thread I was all ready to say ultimatums are awful, but this is just you drawing your line in the sand. You have told him what matters to you. If he loves and respects you then he will give you a clear response. If he doesn't do this, I've easy or the other, then he's an idiot and you've got to prioritise your wish to have a family. What a heel though if he's kept you waiting 7 years.

DelphiniumBlue · 11/07/2023 22:17

He broke off the engagement but you are still calling him your partner. How does that work? If someone breaks off an engagement, surely that means you've been dumped?
He's trying to sleep with you because you've obviously let him think that's a possibility. I don't understand why you are still hanging around. He clearly doesn't want to commit to you, he's not going to change his mind, he's been upfront about that. Pick your self respect up and stop having anything to do with him.
You won't meet anyone else while you're still hanging around with him, just draw a line under it and move on.

10HailMarys · 11/07/2023 22:18

He doesn’t want to marry you or have children. He wants sex and easy life.

ClementWeatherToday · 11/07/2023 22:18

This man cannot and will not EVER give you what you need. Even if he marries you, even if he has children with you, it'll never be the equal relationship of committed individuals that you (understandably) want.

kayserah · 11/07/2023 22:21

Please leave him. You deserve someone who knows they want to commit to you

Rainbowqueeen · 11/07/2023 22:21

Choose for yourself. He has no intention of ever marrying you that’s pretty clear. But he is happy to waste your time knowing this. What a disgusting selfish man
So cut all contact, give yourself time to get over him and then move on.

MimiSunshine · 11/07/2023 22:22

Call off the relationship. He’s given you his answer by telling you not to put him in that position.

If he wanted marriage and babies with you he’d be booking a venue tomorrow. He just doesn’t want to let you move on.

don’t be a passenger in your own life. End it now and move on.

changeyerheadworzel · 11/07/2023 22:22

He doesn’t want to. Walk.

Merryoldgoat · 11/07/2023 22:25

YABU to keep flogging this dead horse.

The ultimatum is pointless - he’s already cancelled one engagement and even after supposedly galvanising himself still can’t commit.

Leave him in the past.

Even if he commits you’ll be wondering if he’s going to change his mind again.

Charlize43 · 11/07/2023 22:27

It sounds like you both want different thinks out of life.

You both need to admit that you are incompatible and move on.

Jongleterre · 11/07/2023 22:30

He might agree in a moment of weakness and then you'll find yourself up the duff and him walking out the door.

You've given him long enough to decide if he wants commitment and a family and clearly he does t.

That's fine, but you both want different things so you need to say bye bye and find someone who wants what you want.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 11/07/2023 22:35

He's not the one for you. He's a time waster.

Look at Princess Beatrice, with her boyfriend for over a decade, didn't marry her, broke up with her then got married to someone else straight away. Wasted a decade of her life. At least she found someone else.

I personally wouldn't want to marry and have children with someone who I needed to convince or ask to commit to me, nope.

Set him free, set yourself free...find someone who adores you and wants to commit to you without needing to be prompted.

Catpuss66 · 11/07/2023 22:37

Been there done that even gave him a way out, he cried & begged me to stay then promptly cheated, took me such a long time to get over I was 28, now 57 not married( but after listening to some of your stories sounds like I dodged a bullet. Have had my own arseholes.) no children, run he will string you along until he has a replacement. Remember your needs & wants are important too. I got ILL ( think the illness now was triggered by his treatment of me in my 20’s)mid 40’s luckily shrewd with money was able to retire at 55.

Stompythedinosaur · 11/07/2023 22:41

Don't waste any more time with him.

Your ultimatum isn't unfair, but you need a partner who enthusiastically wants these things.