To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

This is something your brother should be dealing with isn’t it? I don’t understand the not wanting to upset him, he’s an adult and he needs to step up. It’s his wife that’s causing this apparent friction, so it’s his problem.

Your parents don't owe anyone childcare..
Frankly they need to set some boundaries to stop this.
Why doesn't anyone actually reflect back SIL's criticisms? Literally say to her, we can't meet these demands and don't want to, so this isn't going to work. Find other childcare.
Don't be held to ransom for access to see their GC and stop being such pushovers.

I am the SIL in this situation except I've not used my in-laws for any childminding/babysitting.

I completely alienated them when my "pfb" arrived and despite my sil living hours away her children (same age as mine) are favourited secretly and have a closer bond! It's my own fault!

I am repairing it slowly but I'm under no illusion my mistakes and I think your parents have been very patient given the demands of her!

You reap what you sow!

Your sil sounds unhinged and your DP should call it out. Why haven’t they?

@moodypromises Thank you so much for your message. It's great to see the other side of this! I am honestly so frustrated with her. She is all sweet and lovely to others outside of the family and absolutely vile to her husband's side of the family.

@GwinCoch I agree my brother should have stepped in sooner. But he is always been very conflict avoidant and is currently suffering from depression because of a long existing medical condition. :(

I suspect she thought for a very long-time that she would be the only with grandchildren and she is now worried that my children have somehow usurped hers. :(

I could have wrote this about mine. Although my brother hasn't let it get as far as nasty messages. We just stopped bothering. We'd see them birthdays and Christmas and maybe another odd couple of times throughout the year. The kids are older now and bother with us so much it kills my sil. They are always having sleep overs in my sisters house. It will get easier but I would say your brother needs to step up and take responsibility of how is she being with your parents. At the end of the day your parents are doing them a favour. I say to my kids nans house nans rules doesn't mean we have the same rules in our house.

Why? Is she not capable of independent thought away from her husband? Is he her keeper?

I think if the messages were sent to your parents then they need to meet up with her and hash it out.

Everyone in your family needs better boundaries. You and your parents need to stop discussing your SIL, they should be talking with your brother. Conversations between you and them should focus on you and your family. As above, if it's your brother's wife then he can't not be involved, why are you and your parents trying to avoid involving him? He sounds like a massive part of the problem:

she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time

...or your brother could have reduced his hours and looked after his own child while their other parent was working (as presumably SIL does while he's working?). While is childcare only her responsibility?

She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week

That's very frequent. How often did your parents expect to see the baby!?

@noglow Unfortunately some of the messages are sent to me too. My parents bought our little one a lovely outfit. SIL called and demanded that they buy the same for her DC. :(
She is still getting her 2 days of childcare for free, but when I asked for one day for my DC so I could continue a professional qualification, she actually threw a tantrum to my dad saying this would distract them from the responsibilities they have towards her DC.

I'm surprised that your parents do any child care at all. They must be exhausted with all these demands and rivalry.

@ClementWeatherToday

"You and your parents need to stop discussing your SIL, they should be talking with your brother."

Please see my above posts for an explanation as to why I always get dragged into her drama. It is easy to say establish your boundaries, but it's difficult with someone who is clearly unhinged.

Regarding her working hours, the cost of childcare was split between both of them. My brother would cover some days and she would cover the others. However, both of them needed the two days from my parents as childcare fees were astronomical.

"She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week"
Once a week for 15 mins and then expected them to drop everything if she needed help.

They need to show/tell brother it's not acceptable. Can they block her and only see children through brother?

Oh gosh your poor DPs, two days a week is absolutely loads. I don't really know what the answer is if your DB can't wade into this.

What do your DPs want to do ? I think they should focus on that as it doesn't sound like SIL will like whatever happens. She needs them a lot more than they need her with that much childcare so they maybe need to learn some stock phrases " The stain will wash out. The DCs had such a good day. It would be lovely to go to the farm , the entrance fee is £20 if you transfer it we will take them."

I don't understand why you are getting so involved OP. Your brother needs to deal with his wife, not you.

I understand you're in the middle and likely getting it from all sides but your brother should be stepping up.

If nobody has communicated the issues to SIL directly (ie. Your parents or your brother) then of course SIL will feel you are being given preferential treatment.

JFC does anyone have boundaries or a backbone in this family?

Well! I really don't know what to say to that!

How old is her child roughly? Was she like this before the baby?

Why? If OP has recieved nasty messages Why shouldn't she deal with it directly? OPs brother doesn't own this woman

Funny how people always need free child care but they will manage if the grandparents die.

Find it ludicrous that you both think your entitled to use the parents as child care and not even just for a couple of hours a week. Such a shame when if your parents meant that much to you then you both should be letting them enjoy there child free years not bringing yours up to

@rookiemere
Thank you for your kind message. My parents are the loveliest people and they only live for their grandchildren. :( I honestly haven't met a kinder couple.

Without divulging too much, I think my DB and SIL have problems and their marriage may be in trouble. They enjoy a nice lifestyle partially because they do not need to pay for childcare.

I have explained to my parents the grey rock technique. Also now that my parents are spending more time with my DC they feel so much more relaxed and I suspect strong they no longer wish to have to deal with SIL drama.

If OP's parents are anything like mine they are so happy to be spending time with the LOs

@LadyJ2023
Which part of my post suggests that I feel I am entitled to childcare from my parents? My children are both in full-time nursery and I work part-time. My father kindly offered to have my DC on a Friday morning so I could attend seminars for my qualification. My stupid bother shared this with his wife and I was called on the phone and berated. Her DC don't even see my parents on a Friday!!

Has no one at any point bitten back at this vile woman? If she continues to be allowed to conduct herself in this manner she will continue to do it.

Yes is everyone just taking it?

@jeaux90
Honestly backbone is not the issue here. It's the fact that she behaves like a covert narcissist. She has lied to her side of the family claiming she hasn't had any support from her husband's family since I gave birth. This is so blatantly untrue I didn't know what to say when I first heard it! :(