To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

Also is girls were not allowed to call her and behaviour and because my brother was a spoilt he would behave the same way. My parents just didn’t want us to rock the boat. But since moving out I have gone nc with both my bro and sis in law, much to my parents dislike but tough shit, if they’re happy to be walked all over i‘m not going to be party to it. It really depends on how reasonable your brother is tbh and how willing you are to stand up to her and mess up your relationship with him. My parents pandered to them
as they didn’t want to ‘lose’ my brother which didn’t help them in the long run, they will still not admit they have had a hand in it all.

Hang up every single time she starts being a bitch on the phone, walk away if it's in person. You're all feeding into her drama and letting her hold all the power. Practice saying 'fuck off' loudly and use your new skill next time you see her.

Your parents should have just stood up to her more from the start -
if they can't afford/don't want to do expensive activities, they should just say they can't, and have nannies/grandad's rules for their house and mummies rules for her house.

What's she actually going to do if they need the childcare?

Oh dear so many typos! That should read “as girls we weren’t allowed to call the bad behaviour out and because my brother was spoilt…”

I think you should cut contact with her. Block her from calling or texting you. If she turns nasty at a family gathering, either start filming her and put it on youtube (the reactions might make her think again) or just leave. Don't talk to her ever again.

It’s his wife that’s causing this apparent friction, so it’s his problem. this is what I took exception to. It isn't his problem. They are clearly having issues as they've split the childcare costs weirdly.

@ReachForTheMars exactly what went on in my family

If people act like a doormat than (unkind) people will treat them like a doormat (unfortunately).
The past is the past - I think just concentrate on the present.
Your parents need to send a screen shot of her evil messages to both her and your brother and say this is not acceptable. They are happy to continue to babysit on these two days but this verbal abuse has to stop.

I'm another who thinks it on your parents to put in boundaries.

I'd have probably kept the Friday help - and either blocked SIL or responded with it was none of her business but between you and your parents - but stopping it does remove you from the drama.

I suspect your parents complain to you and thus you feel like it's on you to find a solution - been there and IME if you say anything you'll be the one in the wrong - best thing to do sadly is refused to get drawn in - say well you'll have to talk to SIL about that if they start to complain and change the subject. You can't put in boundaries for them or your brother best you can do is just avoid the drama.

SIL sounds absolutely batshit crazy and your brother should have reined her in from day 1. Rule lists? Demands? Who the hell does she think she is?

@magma33 I completely get where you are coming from, but ironically SIL is fully British!
DB and I have middle eastern parents, but our outlooks are 100% British.
I suspect SIL is just a massive CF.

Why the fuck is anyone placating this behaviour?

@sonjadog

Thank you for your lovely message.
There was a poster here on mumsnet a while ago who had a narcissistic Son-in-law (think he was called lobster boy) who restricted contact with her daughter whenever he felt affronted.
Without being too outing, similar dynamics are at play here. :(

Wtf do you mean white British? Maybe she got pandered to and it went to her head, she sounds even more batshit now as she doesn’t have that cultural background excuse, not that that is an excuse! Honestly tell her to fuck off next time, bring her back down to earth.

Why are you talking to her?you are all enabling verbal and emotional abuse. Just stop.

What a refreshingly honest post.

Your sil sounds like my ex df! She used to treat her dp and his family exactly like this! The entitlement and manipulation were off the scale! Now that they are finally split up she is still using the the dc to control every aspect of his life financially and otherwise!

Grandparents in our family do spend plenty of time with the children and have lovely relationships with them, but that's through regular visiting and family time, not from being relied on for childcare, we facilitate the relationships, but are there as well doing the hard slog, they've done their time of that, they should get the best bits now, that's the joy of being a grandparent!

Indeed,who wouldn't like her?

I think you all need to stop being a pain in the ass and look after your own kids.

You can’t change anybody else’s behaviour you can only change how YOU react to it. Every time any of them start their nonsense (including your parents) I would change the subject/hang the phone up/leave the house depending on the situation. Continuing to enable their behaviour just encourages them.

@Mumtothreegirlies
Did you read any of the posts I wrote. I am not using my parents for childcare at the moment. They helped when DC were born and kindly offered to help with Fridays, but I said no so I can avoid any drama with SIL.

I am also starting to realise that this isn't really about childcare, but jealousy. I honestly cannot think of a single time in which she hasn't tried to complete with someone of something!

@GregoryFluff
But what can you do if they just want to have their Grandchildren all the time? I agree it's not fair if they have to do 50% of parenting when they have done their bit already. However, my parents just want to see the kids all the time.

Ugh, this is such a horrible situation for your parents.
If they were my parents I'd advise them to withdraw offers of all regular childcare to their adult kids and go on holidays to get over the stress of all this so they can discover there's more to life.
It's nice they were able to help out with free childcare but your SIL has bitten the hand that feeds her and will have to deal with the consequences. Someone needs to get her to back off and explain that she has cause upset and stress and it's completely unfair on your parents.

My former SIL did the exact same thing. She had the first grandchild and the hoops my poor mum had to jump through just to be able to spend time with her granddaughter was horrendous. Marks on clothes, normal toddler accidents were investigated forensically to assign blame. It got so bad that one day my mum was so stressed because she took her granddaughter back 3 mins later than promised due to a train delay, she had a nosebleed. My former SIL tore strips off my poor mum.

Unfortunately for SIL, I was 7 months pregnant at the time, so she was informed her reign of terror would soon be over as there would be a grandchild than my mum could see without all those hoops to jump through.

Now from her side, she would say my mum favours my children but the difference is I wasn't threatened by my children building a strong and loving relationship with their grandparent but SIL wanted to control access to her children to exert power over people.

She's fucked off now, as soon as she realised she couldn't control my parents, she was messing about with some other guy, dumped my brother and now doesn't allow him access to his own kids.

A genuine see you next Tuesday.