To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

@Glittertwins - that is not at all what the OP says.

Would you?

Your parents are too nice. Time to stop being nicey nicey with nasty SIL. She reckons they are going to pay private school fees ! You need to tell parents that uniform, trips, lunches and transport are on top of the termly bill.

these demands will never end they will get bigger and more expensive

@luckylavender
If you read my previous posts, you will see that I have paid childcare and that I only work part-time. My dad kindly offered to have the DC for a few hours on a Friday, SIL found out and hit the room even though my parents do not even have her children on a Friday.

UPDATE =
Blocked SIL and she is now using her work phone to blow up my mobile.
I have blocked her on that too, but will expect her to call from another number soon...

@Rigg - well your original post is very unclear - After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

No but we are hearing your side of things where you keep changing your mind about whether you use your parents for childcare or not too. Perhaps you don't like your parents doing things for your "stupid brother" as you called him.

How does she even know you blocked her? I assumed that you weren't on close terms so why would she be trying to reach you today to find out that she is blocked?

@luckylavender
Well that's why you should read the whole thread not just the intro.

@Spirallingdownwards
Why don't you just read the whole thread? You'd then understand why my parents offered to help me with childcare. It's for a couple of hours on a Friday to help with the completion of a professional qualification.

Furthermore, my parents have a right to choose who they want to provide childcare for. If you behave like a batshit crazy person, you shouldn't expect other people to drop everything to accommodate your childcare issues.
My parents do not mind continuing to support DB and his wife, but they cannot continue to receive the abuse anymore.

To be fair I think @Rigg has been very clear and has constructively taken on board comments. I think you are right in drawing a line. Sorry that you are in the middle of this.

Tbh, you admit your parents are elderly yet you also 'use' them for childcare.

Have you spoken to your brother about it at all?

This should have been sorted out (and ended) the very first time your sil "screamed at" your parents. THAT is the point at which they should have declined their services anymore.

@Spirallingdownwards "You don't like your SIL is what it really comes down to"
Too damn right. I wouldn't like her either. What is she doing right now to endear herself to anyone.

It’s interesting that you feel your parents are two elderly to look after her children, but they can look after your tiny children.

sounds like communication issues all around

Your SIL is a fucking maniac.

@LovePoppy
Did you even bother to read the whole thread?
There is a big difference in offering to look after 2 small sleeping children on a Friday afternoon whilst I am at home studying, and expecting regular childcare for 2 days a week (which is what SIL has been receiving for the last few years).

God some posters are projecting things onto this thread that have nothing to do with my posts.

@IhearyouClemFandango
Read the whole thread.

You've done well to block her and should continue to do so. Your parents need to hold firm but will no doubt miss their grandchildren. She is batshit and if you see her face to face I would call her out on it and tell her a good few hometruths. You need to have a retort for every accusation she flings at ypu whether about your parents or yourself. Don't hold back out of politeness. I feel for your db though but he needs to work through this himself and realise she is not worth it.

I would say your SIL is abusing everyone, possibly the children too.
She has ridiculous demands & behaves like a spiteful, spoiled child
Your brother probably should have the balls to tell her to accept free childcare politely or use her private pot of gold. an respect his family.
It is likely she is vile to him too.
No-one needs to shout & go NC, BEFORE telling her calmly that they are happy to continue the 2x a week childcare, as long as they are able, that they will also provide the same for their other Gchildren if required.
That a Bday present for one child doesn't mean random handouts for her DC
All of the children are loved & cared for (she knows this as if not she would already have put them elsewhere) there is no guarantee there won't be stains on the return of kids, they are after all small people learning & she does have a washing machine.
However, No-one is going to accept being abused & screamed at, so she needs to wind her neck in, & decide if she does or doesn't want FREE help. & behave like a grateful sane adult.

You may discover that your brother's depressed & miserable, but that could be quickly resolved by separating from his ghastly wife

I haven't RTFT but your SIL sounds completely insane and abusive. Your poor brother and parents.

They really need to be more assertive though - she's just bullying you all and getting away with it!

Just in relation to these demands, if I were your parents, I'd actually start ignoring her and if the telly is on, it's on, or if we wanted to bake, we'd bake and send some home with the kids. So long as I'm not giving them foods or drinks that were bad for their health, I get to say what happens (now) under my roof.
Please don't think that this is stamping all over any bounds that the SIL/DiL wanted. More like setting reasonable options.

If SIL/DiL doesn't want this anymore for her kids, she is perfectly within her rights to find alternative paid for childcare.

If you know her parents, and they are under some misguided impression that your side of the family aren't lifting a finger to help her, you certainly could meet them and set them straight on that.

If she contacts you from another phone, I'd send one message to your brother saying very VERY clearly that any further attempt by his wife to contact you will be seen as harassment and will be dealt with accordingly (i.e. you contact the police). While he might be unwell, she is out of control and I really think that only something like the police getting involved here would help.

You mentioned that you thought he might be being financially abused. He can get help in deciding whether he wants to leave her or not and how to deal with a financial abuser.

Perhaps (and this is said with my tongue firmly in my cheek) if someone were to have a word with her about stopping being such a grabby entitled tight-ass and for being so rude, people would be more willing to help. She clearly has never heard of the expression that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

Your SIL sounds an absolute nightmare, but you are entitled to get involved and support your parents. They need someone in their corner.
If I was looking after my DGC (don’t have any yet), I would expect to abide by certain ‘rules’ eg no sweets every day, but if faced with a long list as your parents are and the expectation of expensive days out, sorry but DS + DIL would be told to find themselves a nursery asap!
I know it is hard but for the sake of their health, your parents really do need to step back and enjoy their retirement. Having to pay nursery fees and be given back ‘mucky’ DC might make SIL appreciate your parents more (but I doubt it).