To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

@magma33
Yes she is fully British, not even a single member of her extended family is a minority. But in all honesty, she would be seen as batshit crazy in any culture.

When she first got married she expected all things to be paid for her. She actually forwarded an itemised bill to my parents with the expectation that they paid for the wedding!?

@gettingoldisshit Honestly she is always focused on money 100% of the time. If we go out for a meal, she expects my parents or myself to pick up the bill because 'that's how things are in your culture'.

I feel sorry for your parents here. You say they are now elderly yet they are doing a lot of childcare. They should put their foot down and say 1 day childcare each and not on the same day. Then they'd see all their dgc but have more days to do stuff for themselves and get some rest too.

@Sunnydale1999
Thank you so much for your post.
Everything you have said really rings true! She didn't once congratulate me on my pregnancy or get me a gift.
From the minute she was pregnant, she kept acting like she was carrying the next messiah. When my children were born she would make sure she kept track of their toys in case my parents gifted something to mine which they didn't gift to hers.
She actually had the audacity to complain that we shouldn't make to many arrangements for my DC's birthday party as it wouldn't be fair on her DC. This was despite the fact that we were paying for the party ourselves. :(

She sounds absolutely awful and those poor DCs. Thank goodness your DPs are so
Involved in their lives.
How come her DPs aren't providing 2 days a week childcare if they live locally?

It's your parents responsibility to speak up. Sort that one Friday morning and explain to your parents that you want no part of the drama. They continue to choose to appease your SIL and the consequence of that is that they don't see your children as much. This dynamic is allowed to happen because non of you dare speak out. Like fuck would I allow anyone to abuse me like that. Tell your parents you are stepping back and let them all get on with it.

Yes. Actually, I think you and your SIL should club together and pay for a holiday for your parents as a thank you. Then have them diagnosed with stress and cancel future child-minding arrangements. Your brother can bring the grandchildren to see his parents in future. It's complete madness to let any of this continue and sorry but it doesn't sound like it will end well for anyone if there's childcare involved.

OP you've described a family I think I know IRL. Either that or this behaviour is freakishly common.

My advice to you is to focus on your own small family. This woman is living rent free in your head and the obsession with others isn't healthy for anyone.

@rookiemere
Because they have seen what type of person she is and how she will weaponise her children until her demands are met. She once didn't speak to her mother for almost a whole year.

Hi OP!! I have zero childcare help because we live far from both our parents and so I say this with that view, your SIL is a rude and hateful person who needs to be told to back off and that if she continues to be abusive and demanding that all childcare will stop. I would not dream of bitching to my MIL that she does free childcare for her children and none for us, nor do we bring up when she does things with the grandchildren she sees more often. We are just grateful that she spends time with our children and treats them when she sees them once or twice a year. I hope that gives perspective on how horrible and entitled SIL is.

I wouldn’t tolerate anyone sending my elderly parents abuse and I’d be pulling my brother up for this one. It’s his wife and he needs to get a backbone and speak to her or you all just stop engaging with her. She’s been allowed to dictate and bully your family for too long and he is at fault too for not stopping it. If it continues I would step in and she would be getting a response to any abuse she sent me. I wouldn’t tolerate it for a second. Nobody would continue to provide her support in real life if she was being so nasty and your parents and you also don’t need to tolerate it. Please put this person back in her place! The abuse and ungratefullness stops or she no longer attends family events.

Thanks for your message. This is exactly what we have done. My parents had a chat with her and explained childcare may be a problem going forward. She has obviously hit the roof.

tbh I think your role is to protect your parents here and keep this crazy woman away from them. It's unfair and must be very very stressful.

It sounds awful for you all.

You SIL sounds really entitled and vile tbh! However, I've been involved in a family falling out over ILs playing favourites to BIL/SIL and it's been soul destroying. We were first to have GC but as soon as BILs DC can along we were ditched (at least it felt that way). ILs moved to the other side of the country to be near them, never expressing any interest in that area before; holiday together twice a year and paying (we weren't even invited), paid for their entire £30k wedding (told explicitly won't be paying for ours), paying off their debts, home renovations etc. Both SIL/BIL expect to be put first and when they don't, it has caused huge friction. They can't be arsed to visit us but expect us to make the long journey to them. So selfish IMO. Yet I'm the unreasonable one for saying something and standing up for myself! I can't advise but offer my sympathies

Someone should tell her that if they split up she won't get custody of her children.

Your poor parents, in trying to be helpful they sound as if they are very stressed and unhappy, and probably not really enjoying their time with their grandkids as they don't know what they will get when she comes to pick them up. I think if I were them I would tell sil from X date she will have to find childcare for her days. If she kicks off, I mean when she kicks off, just grey rock and repeat. If she messages you, either don't reply, or just tell her that's between you and my parents and I can't help you.
She has been allowed her behaviour for far too long. She is not a child, she is a grown up. Does she behave like this with her colleagues? I bet she doesn't, and if she did she wouldn't last in the job for very long.
If you really suspect your db is being abused by her, does he know he can come to any of you for help if he needs it? Let him know that he and his kids are welcome any time. I really hope this gets sorted out.

@Rigg regarding the Friday childcare for your child. Your parents WANT to do it and are upset at not doing it as they don't see your child as much as they'd like. I would absolutely let them do the Friday childcare. Do not let this horrid woman stop your parents from having time with their grandchild. You say no to avoid SIL drama, she wins. People like her need standing up to.

You can always block her number and close your ears to her abuse, or you take screenshots and report her to the police for abuse and harassment. She's a bully, she needs to be stood up to.

Well @Rigg they need to plough ahead. That's on them. Also, if they try venting to you, tell them you don't want to hear it. Your children are the ones who are missing out on a relationship with their grandparents due to choices they are making. Don't do anything that enables the dynamic to continue. Don't reassure your parents that it's ok etc. You don't want to be involved AT ALL anymore.

What a cow.

Do you think she treats your brother like shit too?

Why on earth have you not said anything to her in all this time. If my SIL treated my parents like that I'd go ballistic (not that she would she's lovely).

UPDATE =
I followed the advice from some posters and I just texted mum to see how she is doing and she said she was tired and frustrated about the situation. I offered to come and see her as I had no more meetings today, but she said that she was tired and wanted to go to bed (aka she didn't want me to come). I thought this was strange because my mum is always happy for us to pop over anytime.

I had to keep prying her for some information and I found out that SIL had whatsapped my mother a video of the DGC asking her when she is coming over to see them again.
I cannot believe how manipulative and sick someone has to be to do something like that. 😡

I told my mum I am done with her and that she and my dad need to stick with what they agreed on Saturday. No more childcare until SIL learns to treat others with respect. I am DONE!

Full time childcare where I am (not even london) is over 2.5 grand a month for my 2 children. We can afford it. Many can't and rely on their parents for childcare help. Don't be a dick.

Might be the MN stance, it’s certainly not mine. He needs to intervene and not be a bystander.

He’s married to her, of course it’s his problem. They are both parents of the kids, of course it’s his problem. He’s inextricably part of this. It’s SIL’s problem too of course, I never suggested otherwise. It’s a shared problem.

I think that’s totally fair enough. Good on you.