To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

Regardjess of the issues in the relationship, your parents are helping SIL out less now you have children and are seeing your children more. I can kind of understand why she feels her child was dumped in favour of yours.
You all need better boundaries and if your parents are elderly, to stop relying on them for childcare

Does that childcare not also benefit your brother then? Or isn't he at work too?

They look after her children 2 days a week and she is still moaning. I would be worshipping the ground they walk on. She must realise having other grandchildren means they have less time spare, nothing to do with favourites. How dare she behave like that when your parents clearly do so much to help her. Think she needs to be told some home truths.

Any update OP?

Why are you parents putting up with such abuse? It seems no one has stood up to her so she thinks she is free to treat her husband and his family ( probably her own kids too) anyway she likes!

If I was them, I would reply to your SILs rude messages with “your words have really hurt and upset us. Anything we do is never good enough. We are constantly on egg shells and it is not healthy for us or the children. Therefore, we can no longer help you with childcare. Please make other plans”. Then block her. And be unavailable, don’t open the door, don’t answer the phone, better still go on holiday.

A sharp life lesson is in order! Let her stew, throw her toys out, fall out with her husband etc etc
eventually she will realise how good she had it and come back grovelling. Even if she doesn’t, sounds like your parents are better off. Your parents do need be setting clear boundaries going forward though, else nothing will change.

Because you all condone it, you are part of the problem.

I’ve read through all your posts OP and it sounds like a massive issue here is your brother.

It’s his wife and he needs to set the boundaries on how she behaves towards his family. I would never allow my DH to disrespect my family. If they had done something to upset him I would expect he speaks to me and we figure out how to deal with it.

Her abuse towards your parents- again they need to call out the bad behaviour.

If it was me I would record it, turn it into a funky TikTok story and send it all to her mother and put on social media- but I guess I am petty. I have an entitled sibling and SIL. It doesn’t stop until you say no and blow the lid.

My parents are hundreds and thousands of pounds out of pocket because of SIL and DB- there is no money left for me as they took it all and then no time to spend me and my family as again they got in the way. They should have had the balls to stand up to them years ago as now it’s to late to do anything.

Your parents need to do something before it’s too late.

You must be basing that on your own experience. My DM had all of mine (4) from 6months to 3yrs, every day and she absolutely loved it. They adore their Grandma and she still adores spending time with them. She’s just retired when I had my first and said he saved her sanity.
I absolutely cannot wait to look after GC 🙏

Op, you’re getting a hard time. Your parents don’t owe anyone childcare and your SIL is being rude and ungrateful. Well done for blocking her!! I’m sorry your Mum cancelled seeing you as she was so exhausted by it all. SIL sounds horrible!! And as for other posters saying they understand why SIL is upset, WHY?! They don’t owe anyone anything and if they want to treat their other grandchild to a new outfit or go to see their other grandchildren on an afternoon it’s none of SIL’s bloody business! No wonder OP has had enough. One toxic person can really change family dynamics and I’d be sick of it too.

The amount of people not reading the full thread and being shitty to OP is just irritating. Read all the updates or be quiet. SIL is batshit. OP hasn’t asked her parents for childcare, they offered and they bloody well should be able to offer their own child support without shitty SIL getting involved!

I’m so glad u blocked your sinlaw. omg what a cf. Your parents want ( and u their child to get a qualification) to babysit on a Friday, what business is it of hers if your parents offfered. !!!! They want to help their child 👧. I would be the same. Although if I had this cf daughter in law I would be setting her straight there is no favourite there is no fist come first served. Eveyone is equal …you don’t like nannies rules then off you fuck. my eldest sons know this . I’m strict but a loving nanny nannies house nannies rules.
I could not deal with her ! I’m petty so she would meet her match.

For goodness sake get your spineless brother to your parents house show him the messages & tell him to reign her in; ffs she sounds unhinged; your poor parents they must be walking on eggshells; the woman sounds absolutely vile; your parents did all of their child rearing with you & your brother now they should be relaxing & enjoying a quieter life together not running around after some deranged vilely behaved & disrespectful brat of a woman.
if they can’t afford child care she needs to give up work & care for her Dc herself; but good luck she’s bound to throw her toys out of her pram.

So you know that your sister in law is using your parent for free babysitting so you decide to through two more into the mix and ask them to watch your kids aswell!!?

What you mean is read the whole thread so you can see when I completely changed my story to make SIL look horrible and you look like you never use your parents for childcare. I always believe the OP someone writes, when the story starts changing in later posts its because the person realizes the reality is not making them look very good.

How old are these children?

If you've had 2 since your parents started doing ad hoc childcare, then your brother's kids are surely in school?

I’ve read the whole thread and TBH it doesn’t make sense. The OP keeps changing the story and drip feeding more and more details of outrageous behaviour that her SIL has committed. repeated contradictions that don’t add up, angry updates when people have pointed this out, she called one person thick for not understanding. All Expectations on the parents are SIL’s Responsibility – never DB’s.

If it was me I would record it, turn it into a funky TikTok story and send it all to her mother and put on social media
How classy😕

Some of your posts have touched on things my SIL accused me of to her Mum and behind my back. So its hard to know with that experience behind me, what to think whilst trying to keep an open mind it does happen.

I too was accused of sending a nasty email to my SIL however the first I heard of it was my MIL writing to me to say how she could not understand how I could have been so terrible and rude to her daughter. I called her immediately, and her mind was made up that I had done it. I asked if she had read the email and apparently it was all too nasty for SIL to print so she deleted it and what reason would she have to to lie about it... that was a slap in the face!

the interesting thing for me is I hadn't contacted/emailed SIL for over 6 months at that stage... and why should I lie about that? My relationship with my MIL was never the same after that and she was to find out thereafter she was terminally ill with cancer. If there has been one significant event happen in my life that I regret, is that one ever happening and not having the ability to see it sorted and my name restored in my MIL's mind.

so keeping that in mind, your parents need to meet with their son to discuss the latest development with his wife and you need to stay well clear of it and not discuss it with them unless they bring it up.

You then need to have a talk preferably face to face with your brother without your parents present and not talking to them about that meeting afterwards either.

Any emails she has sent you, I would have sent directly to your brother and told him to deal with those. don't respond.

Sadly, its quite likely your parents will not have access to the grandchildren for a period of time as she uses the children as leverage. However I cannot see any good coming from this behaviour, as you have detailed it here.

I'm no expert but reading the thread I think your Sil may have a mental health condition like borderline or narcissistic. Your being reasonable won't ever help with that.

I don't know how to help but maybe reading up on these sort of disorders, which are surprisingly common, might give you clues on how to action it. Rejection, like blocking 🚫 is a high trigger I believe, which fits the pattern.

Your sil sounds awful and I feel sorry for your parents. But it's their fault for catering to her demands for so long.

Keep her blocked and don't engage with any of her drama. Let your parents make their decision, if they want to continue to be bullied by her, their choice. Hopefully they will stop being so passive and stop encouraging her insane behaviour.

To be fair, your DB sounds also extremely passive and weak - he lets his wife treat his family poorly.

SIL seems unhinged and her husband should be consulted and encouraging her to book in for counselling. She obviously has major issues and maybe even whole family counselling will be needed.

Those poor children!

All this drama is making your MIL exhausted and distressed. Retirement should not be weighing so heavily on your PILs in terms of obligations to an exploitative DIL and son. I would strongly encourage them to look after themselves for a while and take an extended holiday, maybe back in their home country, while they have the good health to enjoy it . They are allowed to drop the rope!

UPDATE =

I called mum last night to enquire about how she was doing. She and dad are super exhausted with the drama. Not to mention the fact that SIL has emailed them a whole list of things they have apparently done wrong since meeting her.
If anybody else is in any doubt that she is batshit please see the below list:

• My mother talks to me more often on the phone than SIL (she doesn't really she hates calling)

• It is unfair that they have agreed to help me out on Friday afternoons without consulting her beforehand - nursery is expensive and she may need to cancel afternoon sessions for her DC.

• She feels she requires more support as my husband and I earn substantially more and we could afford to employ a nanny.

• Her email to my dad regarding payment for the private school place deposit went unanswered. Given my parents' financial situation they should understand that this is not a luxury but a necessity for them.

• On my wedding day, I was able to wear my mum's middle eastern jewellery and various family heirlooms. Mum should have offered to at least lend the earrings to her for her wedding. She didn't ask at the time, how should we have known?

• Our behaviour is affecting her marriage and her husband's wellbeing.

We haven't responded and we do not intend to do so anymore. My parents have stated she has until September to find alternative childcare. DC will be looked after at their house, otherwise she can start looking for someone else right now.

@Tophy124
Thank you for this. Some people do not seem to understand that they are real people here with real issues who may be having a hard time.
I always got on with SIL, but over the years things have gradually escalated. Mainly because she wants to be the Queen Bee and I do not like drama so tend to avoid her now.

Absolutely no doubt she is batshit from that list.