To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

Your poor parents!
Everyone spawning out rugrats and now demaning them to take care of them ☹️

I told my mum I am done with her and that she and my dad need to stick with what they agreed on Saturday. No more childcare until SIL learns to treat others with respect. I am DONE!

I'm not sure if I am following this but are you dictating that your parents can't have your child unless they stand up to your SIL or have I got that wrong?

Why don't you just let your parents have agency. I bet they feel stuck in the middle.

@Rigg have your parents ever actually stood up to her and told her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that they will no longer tolerate it?

I appreciate they won't want to jeopardise seeing their grandchildren, but this situation is clearly causing huge issues. Your parents should be enjoying their lives, not living in fear of their DIL.

How badly do your brother & SIL want/need the childcare?

If your parents stand up to her & do things on their terms-will she flounce off & stop them seeing the kids?

Is that why they keep giving in to her?

@Rigg - I don't fully understand. You describe your parents as 'elderly' & yet rely on them a lot for childcare.

Ultimately your parents need to see whether SIL will yield due to their need for childcare and allow them to do so on your parents' terms. If SIL holds strong then they need to decide whether they will go back to the status quo to see their GCs or live in peace but without seeing their GC, and likely their son.

It's a sad situation but your DB made his choice of partner and now there is very little that your parents can do.

No, OP does not rely on them, she has childcare organised elsewhere

@Rigg i know what you mean. Sometimes women from out of the culture perceive certain benefits and privileges by being in the culture particularly if they think the ‘community’ or family will favour them better for whatever reason. Now that you’re not behaving the way she expects, and are actually behaving more like her own family perhaps? She’s throwing her toy out of the pram because you don’t want to pander to her as she expected ‘you people’ to behave. I think she has some serious issues that were there beforehand and because she’s not getting her way, instead of reacting like a normal person she’s behaving entitled and actually sounds abusive.

@lifeturnsonadime
Sorry I should have clarified I meant I am done with SIL, not with my parents. They are welcome to see DGC anytime, but I will block SIL and I no longer wish to be contacted by her. I am done with her Drama.

Someone needs to tell her some hard truths.
She does sound like a horribly jealous narcissistic piece of work.

Doesn't sound like your brother, her DH, is going to speak up for his parents. He is going to alienate his parents and sister at this rate, and possibly his children's contact with their GP's.

Can you not get through to him how awful she is being?

@magma33
You are spot with your assessment. Before she met DD, I used to know her. She lived for a while in Dubai and had a string of wealthy Arab boyfriends. She really liked the lifestyle and the things she was treated to her by her lovers. Unfortunately, none of them wanted to marry her. 😔

I think when she found and married my brother she expected him to follow her previous lover's example. I think she settled for him because she suspected all Middle Eastern men would be inclined to fund her lifestyle. I was also around when she would regularly speak badly and in racist ways about her former boyfriend's new wife. Saying he only married her because she is a virgin and a Muslim. I think she is a very broken woman.

The constant expectations on our parents probably come from the fact that she wanted a rich man, but could only marry one with a middle management salary.

Well in which case YOU can deal with this with your brother AND his wife and tell him that you won't accept being spoken to like that by her - or anyone - and that she needs to stop the abuse NOW. Tell her too that she can't speak to you like that, that the agreement you have with your mum and dad is nothing to do with her and perhaps if she wasn't such a monumental PITA that people would be more accommodating. Tell her that her behaviour will alienate everyone and her kids will suffer as a result.

And tell your parents to have a similar conversation with her, i.e. either SIL stops this bollocks or she/they will have to find alternative childcare.

They do actually hold all the power in this, your parents. the entire success for SIL/DB life is totally hinged on a favour from the parents. If this situation doesn't suit them, if they are tired of the abuse, they can pull support and it will REALLY fuck SIL/DB up. Enough for her to STFU, him to tell her to stop being such a steaming great thundercunt and you all live happily ever after.

They need to tell SIL how it is. She has literally no other option than the GP to care for her kids.

We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day.

You have a brother problem not a SIL problem:

Dear brother,

Your wife is rude and abusive. Deal with it. Or put up and shut up. Abusive texts will be dealt with appropriately, which means going down the harassment route if applicable.

Our parents are happy to deal with the grandkids whenever, as long as they are not subject to demands. If or your wife you treat them like shit I will do my best to protect them.

This end now.

Your call how things go from here mate.

The best thing your parents can do is cut her off but she knows their weakness is their grandkids so is playing on that. I’m Asian and so is my sil so she knows how to pull my parents strings -they are shockingly patriarchal, favouring the male heir etc. the worst thing was my parents didn’t want us to stand up for ourselves and upset sil unreasonable behaviour as they didn’t want to lose their son and grandkids. I know it’s not the same thing but as long as your parents aren’t manipulating you into having a relationship with your sil then you really should go nc. Unfortunately you can’t control your parents but they will have to realise you shouldn’t not be putting up with abuse. I understand your brother is unwell but he needs to facilitate a relationship between your parents and his kids (if that’s what he wants) and forget sil. They can have a civilised relationship but I have a feeling that won’t suit sil. Honestly my own parents wound me up so much for letting her walk all over them but it’s really their problem. Nowadays they moan that we don’t visit often and I’m like you lot have made your bed ffs but somehow they just don’t get it, but I think they have their own narc like characteristics as they fail to see their own role in enabling the bs.

Also as pp have mentioned as long as you going nc with sil doesn’t affect your relationship with your brother then you really you do it right away. If there is a chance he will also go nc along with sil which is why everyone is scared of sil then it really is a brother problem. He has a part to play and life is too short to let one person (spouse, parent or whatever) dictate your other relationships. Nobody should be given that kind of power.

OP I know you are worried about your brother but I would never allow my SiL to speak to my mother like that. My dad would’ve ignored her but it would have upset my mother a lot. She probably needs someone to stand up to her a few times and once she realises it’s not working anymore she may wind her neck in.

So your parents provided more childcare until you had your DCs. Now your DCs take priority and you don't understand why that upsets your SIL?
It's telling that you use 'we' to refer to your parents and yourself. They are a separate entity from you and your priorities aren't their's. Stop inserting yourself into their relationship with SIL and your DB's DCs.

Her priority should be her parents' wellbeing, and so she needs to 'insert' herself into the relationship as the SIL is abusive to her parents. I'm sure most of us would do the same.

Her SIL is taking the absolute piss. Not sure why no one seems to be able to say no ?

What a great post. So insightful for you to realize your mistakes (and we all make them) and take steps to repair any damage. Good for you. I hope it all works out in the end.

Oh my goodness I think your parents need to tell your DB and SIL they have to cut back on childcare. If they break her rules then tell her make other arrangements. It is unfair to use GC as pawns in this situation. Being firm with her is the only way even if it does cause problems for your DB who sounds like he needs to either stand up to her or leave her. Let 5hem pay for childcare like everyone else.

Speaking as a grandparent, if one of my children or their spouse sent me abusive texts then I would be explaining why they would be looking after their own children in future. But then, it would never have got this far because she wouldn't have been screaming at me either. She's certainly entitled to raise her children the way that she and her husband decide - she does not get to treat family members like servants.

It's a constant source of bemusement to me that people like the SIL appear to juggernaut their way through life with their ludicrous demands and treating people like shite, without anyone laughing in their face and/or telling them to fuck right off.

Well, she doesn’t sound particularly likeable does she?

@AlexandriasWindmill
Are you honestly this thick?
You clearly haven't read any of my other posts. I am NOT using my parents for childcare (despite the fact that they have offered). They only helped after I gave birth - my parents aren't looking after my kids because SIL would otherwise hit the roof. Besides SIL has been very unreasonable with her demands and my parents feel exhausted trying to navigate it all.