To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

[Rigg]

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

She sounds jealous of you. I mean of course they would talk to their own daughter more on the phone than the daughter in law, that isn’t favouritism it is totally normal. She must be very insecure

Would love to see an email reply listing all the problems your parents have with her!

I take it there's been no word from your brother?

I think you should all just ignore and avoid the drama.

SiL is dolally.

There is no other way to describe her behaviour.

Are you allowed to talk to your brother? Can you talk to him about general stuff or does she not allow it?

I'd bypass her and only deal with him now, not her.

I think you just have to accept sometimes in life people are nuts and although it would be nice and caring to try to understand why they are that way and accommodate it ultimately a lot of us are busy enough in our own lives without having to deal with a ton of unnecessary drama caused by someone else.

She sounds like she has major issues. I would just go no contact with her.

She's bonkers. Good that your parents are stepping away for own sanity as well.

I’m actually very proud of your parents for standing strong OP! I hope they can take a well earned holiday after this mess.

I have a brother who weaponises contact with his children and I now go via his ex who is wonderful and supports me maintaining a relationship with the children. I suspect your brother is getting it in the ear right now, but hopefully in time he will also support you all seeing his children without SIL input. I understand how painful it is when things like this happen, but SIL has done all of this. The only one destroying her marriage is her and her outrageous treatment of her in laws.

I am glad you can see how horrible SIL has been now OP. It just smacks of absolute jealousy from her last list and it is so so bizarre that she expects your parents to treat her equal or better than you. I couldn’t imagine expecting my MIL to call me as much as she does her own children. I also don’t begrudge any help my former SIL gets for her or the children, I’m glad to know they are getting help and being taken care of. She is just hideous. Private school is not a luxury. My niece and nephew will be going and my children won’t be, our circumstances are different. My in-laws would never consider it their job to pay and we would never ask.

Good God, she is just Barking.
Parents are doing well, they just keep repeating the same.
Do not justify.
Grey Rock.
Doubtless it is affecting her marriage. Too late now.

Thank you for your support, Mumsnet.
The issue is that she has just texted that it isn't fair that she is being treated differently because she is only a Daughter in law.
I can honestly say that at times she has actually been treated much better than I have! Still nothing from my brother.

To be honest, she shouldn't be surprised nor upset if your parents do treat you better because you are their daughter and she is not.

Block her number. On your phone. On your parent's phones.

Or

Put those handsets to one side and get new numbers that she doesn't have. Only give the number to your brother.

Then you can say that you're having awful trouble on your phone and you can't understand why you're not getting her messages.

She sounds incredibly needy and jealous. I'm sorry but a DiL does get treated differently to a daughter. It's not rocket science but being both a DiL and a daughter myself, I do get treated differently to my SiL in their family. I just do. I accept that. What she is doing is that she isn't accepting that life is not all sunshine and roses, and that she isn't entitled to anything other than what she puts into her life.

She does after all, gave her own parents...🫨

What a nightmare

Just wanted to say your parents sound awesome. I'm glad they're taking a step back as hard as that may be. For their own sanity I think they need to

I would just mute her if you can't face blocking. Definitely don't reply. Nothing she says warrants a reply frankly.

Are you also the poster whos family wanted ur husband to pay for their kids to go to private school?

She sounds terrible and like she needs thearapy. Sadly i dont think there is much you can do except explain to your parents and brother how her actions are effecting you and your child and hope they stop enabling her.

@Coka
No I am afraid that isn't me. SIL has only asked our parents for payment of school fees. The issue is that she just assumes they can cover the tuition when fees where they live almost cost in excess of £20000 per year!
Whilst my parents are well-off, they shouldn't be guilted into paying for something that will be financially difficult for them.

In the thread is the explanation that they "split" childcare costs. Her DB PAYS for childcare for his days but SIL wants OP's parents to do it for free, including all costs to take them places, admissions, etc. Now, she wants OP's parents to fund private school for her DC.

It's mind-boggling. Not sure if it's a lack of reading comprehension, if they enjoy being bullies who get their kicks attacking every thread-starter, or if it's just the plain nasty-azzed behavior of being contrary no matter what the situation.

I'd say a bit more but don't want my comment deleted because someone gets their feelz hurt.

Tell me you haven't read the whole thread without telling me you haven't read the whole thread.

Oh wait, too late. You already did. FFS 🙅

And that is perfectly NORMAL!! My MIL treats my SIL’s differently to me because they are her children she has known forever and I am someone she has known for less than 10 years. She isn’t my mother. She isn’t who I go to for emotional support. I love her very much and we get on well, but her strong bonds are primarily with husband (her son) and my own children.

Your brother is actually being an asshole OP. He’s let his wife create this whopping great mess and treat his parents and sister like complete shit, likely upsetting his own children in the process as she sounds really emotionally manipulative and still he has nothing to say? He married this horrible woman! Where is his backbone?

Hopefully your parents stick to their guns. The fact that you have all allowed another person to dictate to you for so long just blows my mind. Ifs making your parents ill for gods sake. I've changed my mind on you staying out of it, you need to keep a close eye. I have a feeling they will pay for private school to make up for not having the kids anymore. I would go nuclear with them if they do this. THEN I would step back!

You would "go nuclear" about how someone else chooses to spend their own money?