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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL can't really accuse parents of favouritism.

222 replies

Rigg · 11/07/2023 12:28

Long-time lurker, but first time poster.
I'm just looking for some advice from mumsnetters as this situation is causing problems for my family. :(

When SIL had her first baby, she was the classic highly anxious first-time mum and unfortunately she came up with some bizarre rules that alienated most people in the family. It ranged from reasonable requests such as no one was allowed to hold the baby without her permission to restricting contact with the baby if she felt we weren't good enough (aka entertaining) company for her child.

Whilst my parents were very sympathetic to begin with and really complaint with her many rules, they soon grew tired of it. She would for example only allow my parents to see the baby once a week, but would expect them to babysit at short notice. When she once needed someone to help and my parents had an urgent family matter to attend to she threw a fit and accused them of not caring enough. My sibling tried to reason with her, but she has tendency to start fights over small things - such as the baby returning with some food stains one her onesie - so he has now given up trying to reason with her.

Over the years, this truly took a turn for the worse as she would expect free and regular childcare from my parents so she could continue to work part-time. However, despite my parents being elderly and doing her a favour - she would give them a list of instructions and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list. She would for example expect them to take her children out on days out but she would not contribute anything towards the cost. She would regularly remind my parents that they were fortunate to spend time with her children.

After Covid, I had two children in a short span and we now also rely on our parents to help with childcare and support. This has of course caused a huge issue with SIL because my parents are now not able to help her out as much. Furthermore, they find helping me out much easier than her because they do not feel criticised and anxious all the time.

Unfortunately, SIL has now decided that my parents are favouring my children and she has sent some vile and abusive texts.
We do not want to upset my brother, but we are not sure how to handle this situation amicably. They are still looking after her children on 2 days she requested, but they can no longer help her out as much. I also feel they are reluctant to take her children as what should be a nice day is often ruined by SIL at the end of the day. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:24

TheOrigRights · 11/07/2023 13:21

I didn't get beyond "and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list"

Regardless of any family connection, sense of duty, sense of fairness, desire to see the child and desire to help the parents etc etc, I don't know why anyone would engage with someone who screams at them.

She can calm the fuck down. What ever requests she has, whether they be batshit or more conventional, she can request them in a mature, adult way and then discuss any differences in opinion in the same manner.

Where are her own family in all this?

@TheOrigRights
Her mother is in the UK, but she does not like to help out despite the fact that she lives in the same city.

OP posts:
ReachForTheMars · 11/07/2023 13:25

You need to stay out of it.

You have your childcare. Leave it well alone.

Kind of ironic that poor little brother cant handle conflict and, apparently, neither can your parents.

Don't get dragged into it. It's amazing how quickly the problems sort themselves out when you back away from the drama. If it was that much of a problem, your parents would face it head on.

For all you know, they dont want to do childcare for you and are moaning to you about her to try and get you to feel guilty and find an alternative.

If they arent being straight with your brother, they probably arent being straight with you. And, frankly, parents like yours are the reason siblings end up fighting with eachother because they are both told different things by your parents.

Think about it. They haven't told him directly that they are unhappy and he needs to find an alternative. So what haven't they told you.

SadKendall · 11/07/2023 13:25

Spirallingdownwards · 11/07/2023 13:03

You don't like your SIL is what it really comes down to

And? Sounds like OP would be perfectly justified.

Shopgirl1 · 11/07/2023 13:26

How does she know your parents bought your child an outfit?
How do you know what she told her family?

Splishsploshsplash · 11/07/2023 13:26

Everyone on your side of the family need to grow a backbone.

Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:29

ReachForTheMars · 11/07/2023 13:25

You need to stay out of it.

You have your childcare. Leave it well alone.

Kind of ironic that poor little brother cant handle conflict and, apparently, neither can your parents.

Don't get dragged into it. It's amazing how quickly the problems sort themselves out when you back away from the drama. If it was that much of a problem, your parents would face it head on.

For all you know, they dont want to do childcare for you and are moaning to you about her to try and get you to feel guilty and find an alternative.

If they arent being straight with your brother, they probably arent being straight with you. And, frankly, parents like yours are the reason siblings end up fighting with eachother because they are both told different things by your parents.

Think about it. They haven't told him directly that they are unhappy and he needs to find an alternative. So what haven't they told you.

@ReachForTheMars
Thank you for your very reasonable response. He is actually older than me, but DB has had a pretty tough time and we are all worried for him (including his wife).

I explained to my parents that I will find alternative childcare on Fridays as I do not want to get dragged into this drama. But my parents were devastated because they hardly get to see my children. If they come over on weekends they are always worried SIL will throw a fit as this is time they should be spending with her children.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 11/07/2023 13:30

Your parents 'live for their GC' Or at least you think they do? Worship??
Crikey. This attitude has actually done no one any favours. What's at the root of your brother's issues?
Nothing wrong with her DM not wanting to help out either. It isn't the be all and end all for lots of retired people.

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 13:30

ReachForTheMars · 11/07/2023 13:25

You need to stay out of it.

You have your childcare. Leave it well alone.

Kind of ironic that poor little brother cant handle conflict and, apparently, neither can your parents.

Don't get dragged into it. It's amazing how quickly the problems sort themselves out when you back away from the drama. If it was that much of a problem, your parents would face it head on.

For all you know, they dont want to do childcare for you and are moaning to you about her to try and get you to feel guilty and find an alternative.

If they arent being straight with your brother, they probably arent being straight with you. And, frankly, parents like yours are the reason siblings end up fighting with eachother because they are both told different things by your parents.

Think about it. They haven't told him directly that they are unhappy and he needs to find an alternative. So what haven't they told you.

Brilliant advice.

lifeturnsonadime · 11/07/2023 13:31

Your parents are the only ones who can resolve this OP.

They need to set boundaries of what THEY are willing to do and tell both families what they are.

The jealousy and competitiveness needs to stop. It's unhealthy, it seems to me that there is resentment on both sides. I don't think you should be getting involved.

Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:31

Shopgirl1 · 11/07/2023 13:26

How does she know your parents bought your child an outfit?
How do you know what she told her family?

@Shopgirl1
My DB took photos and our house and she enquired about the outfit as it was my DC birthday. Stupid of him to do when he knows she will hit the roof.
I know her family very well - I actually knew SIL before she met my DB. Her parents are honestly some of the kindest people I know! 😔

OP posts:
rosegoldivy · 11/07/2023 13:32

In the nicest way possible, I honestly do not know how you or your parents have not just told her to fuck off

Stillcantbebothered · 11/07/2023 13:32

You’re family must be the most passive people pleasing family around. She shouts at your parents and names unreasonable demands and they still continued to go babysit and not one ever called her out on it because you don’t went to offend her or your brother????

Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:33

cptartapp · 11/07/2023 13:30

Your parents 'live for their GC' Or at least you think they do? Worship??
Crikey. This attitude has actually done no one any favours. What's at the root of your brother's issues?
Nothing wrong with her DM not wanting to help out either. It isn't the be all and end all for lots of retired people.

@cptartapp
My parents are from the middle east, honestly everyone is like this with their grandchildren. I can't see myself being like this, but good for them for enjoying their time with their grandchildren.
I strongly suspect the reason they have been so tolerant with SIL because of cultural differences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:38

My parents had a heart-to-heart with her on Saturday, but she is very horrible to them and them proceeded to call me and my husband to complain.
I strongly suspect that she may be somewhat jealous of my husband and us.
We have done financially better than her and my DB.
She often drops hints about my parents paying for her DC's private school. She did say that she didn't think it was fair that we could afford to send our DC to a private school, but she couldn't.
I suspect that's why she is so hostile whenever my parents help us with anything - she thinks they should be helping their kids because they have less financially.

OP posts:
Alsonification · 11/07/2023 13:38

TheOrigRights · 11/07/2023 13:21

I didn't get beyond "and would scream at them if they were unable to meet every single requirement on that list"

Regardless of any family connection, sense of duty, sense of fairness, desire to see the child and desire to help the parents etc etc, I don't know why anyone would engage with someone who screams at them.

She can calm the fuck down. What ever requests she has, whether they be batshit or more conventional, she can request them in a mature, adult way and then discuss any differences in opinion in the same manner.

Where are her own family in all this?

I also didn't get beyond this. If any of my sis in laws (and I have 4) screamed at either of my parents & my brother didn't step in, then I would. No way would I allow anyone treat my parents like shit.

VisionsOfSplendour · 11/07/2023 13:39

Spirallingdownwards · 11/07/2023 13:03

You don't like your SIL is what it really comes down to

Why does she have to like her? How is that relevant

She sounds totally selfish, I don't know why the family is putting up with her behaviour and its not at all surprising if the OP doesn't like her

You all need to woman/man up and stop indulging her nonsense

VisionsOfSplendour · 11/07/2023 13:41

Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:38

My parents had a heart-to-heart with her on Saturday, but she is very horrible to them and them proceeded to call me and my husband to complain.
I strongly suspect that she may be somewhat jealous of my husband and us.
We have done financially better than her and my DB.
She often drops hints about my parents paying for her DC's private school. She did say that she didn't think it was fair that we could afford to send our DC to a private school, but she couldn't.
I suspect that's why she is so hostile whenever my parents help us with anything - she thinks they should be helping their kids because they have less financially.

What did you say to her when she called? Presumably you stood your ground and told her she was wrong

Frankola · 11/07/2023 13:41

@noglow has OP recieved abusive messages directed at her?

Sallyh87 · 11/07/2023 13:43

My sister is a narcissist like this, rude to my mom, expecting my mom to travel 4 hours on a bus to do childcare when required, very demanding. Has now actually moved in with parents for free room and board.

Anyway,I spent years and years getting really upset about this and i now realise they are adults and if they are willing to tolerate this, nothing I can do. She is their PFB and some of this behaviour is their fault for not stopping it.

Just ignore SIL, it’s what I do with sister. And stop talking to your parents about it, it’s within their gift to stop it.

Stillcantbebothered · 11/07/2023 13:43

Spirallingdownwards · 11/07/2023 13:03

You don't like your SIL is what it really comes down to

and you sound like the self absorbed entitled SIL. Really you think shouting at your parents in law and making such demands is ok?

Even if they decide they don’t want to babysit her kids anymore and just want to look after their daughters kids it’s not nice but they are within their rights to do so.

magma33 · 11/07/2023 13:45

Oh gosh I knew from the off this was a cultural thing going on here. My sil is like this too because she is the son’s
wife and believes she has a higher status than the daughters! However, my parents have pandered to her and my brother in the name of Patriarchy and have enabled her shitty behaviour and are now paying the price. I suspect your parents may have let her get away with too much and now have to deal with it too.

Original poster
Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:46

Frankola · 11/07/2023 13:41

@noglow has OP recieved abusive messages directed at her?

@Frankola
Yes, I have!
She has been horrible to me and about my children. Calling them spoilt and crybabies. You should have heard her tone on the phone on Saturday.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/07/2023 13:46

I think the solution to this one lies with your parents, tbh. I can believe that they are the kindest people because it is often such personalities that get walked all over. Which is exactly what your SiL is doing. She can demand and pout all all she wants, but neither of those things mean that she has to get anything. Your parents can say "no". If they are having trouble with that, then you can maybe give them emotional support and help them feel okay with saying that, but apart from that, I think your best option is to stay out of it. It sounds like you are a very close family, which is great, but when you are adults and have families of your own, sometimes it can be too close and it is best to have a little distance between you.

VisionsOfSplendour · 11/07/2023 13:49

Rigg · 11/07/2023 13:46

@Frankola
Yes, I have!
She has been horrible to me and about my children. Calling them spoilt and crybabies. You should have heard her tone on the phone on Saturday.

Show quote history

But why are you having calls with her, put the phone down as soon as she starts being insulting.

I don't know about cultural issues but it seems all this pandering to her is allowing the situation to continue. Just stop engaging

JudgeJ · 11/07/2023 13:50

GwinCoch · 11/07/2023 12:31

This is something your brother should be dealing with isn’t it? I don’t understand the not wanting to upset him, he’s an adult and he needs to step up. It’s his wife that’s causing this apparent friction, so it’s his problem.

But isn't the MN stance that he has to 'support' his wife, however batty she sounds? I feel sorry for him being stuck with her, she'll continue to weaponise their children to get her selfish way.