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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No baby at destination wedding

208 replies

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:05

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman.

We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day.

I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 21:07

I would go. Your husband goes to the wedding you stay around the pool having a lovely day. treat it like a holiday

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 21:08

Is in a adults only hotel? Just sent your husband and book a different holiday for you all

Original poster
GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:10

Thank you. Theres no pool unfortunately, its in the city and the accommodation is an apartment. I guess we could go for a walk around, heat allowing.

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 05/07/2023 21:10

Awww I’m sad for you OP. That’s tough.

We had no children at our wedding but said babies were fine! We didn’t want a bunch of high chairs around tables but breastfeed or bottle fed babies sleeping in prams were fine.

(plus I’m a toddler mummy and pregnant with baby 2)

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 05/07/2023 21:11

I think it is reasonable to stay home if that is what you prefer. People have the right to say no children at their wedding but they also have to accept that means some people won't be able to go.

Sissynova · 05/07/2023 21:11

Seems weird to be upset that you will be missing out by skipping the wedding so your solution is to skip the entire trip altogether. There’s not a lot of logic in that.

They planned a no kids wedding, you booked your flights. It’s not their fault you had a baby in between those then and now.

You can’t push them to change their mind, they are not asking mothers to be separated from their babies 🙄 you can choose to go or not, no one is forcing you.

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:15

So your solution is to flounce?

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend

Pkhsvd · 05/07/2023 21:17

I wouldn’t go, we had this and we thought about the different options but it just didn’t seem worth it as we couldn’t make a week of it and just would have been a long weekend. The couple have since had their own DC and are a bit embarrassed about the expectations they had of everyone

wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 21:17

It is fine to change your mind now, your circumstances have changed and obviously your kids come first.

Pkhsvd · 05/07/2023 21:19

@Failingjuggler leave a 4 month old baby with a total stranger in a different country where you don’t know the checks they would do even for a “registered” one, really? No way in hell would I do that

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:21

Pkhsvd · 05/07/2023 21:19

@Failingjuggler leave a 4 month old baby with a total stranger in a different country where you don’t know the checks they would do even for a “registered” one, really? No way in hell would I do that

Of course

do you think other countries don’t have DBS equivalents?

When you leave a child with a baby sitter in the UK they’re also a stranger

Goodness me get a grip

LobsterCrab · 05/07/2023 21:21

It's fine to change your mind OP. I would also prefer to stay at home rather than make the trip but not be able to attend the wedding.

ZekeZeke · 05/07/2023 21:24

I would change the accommodation to a nice hotel with a pool (with the money you would have saved on drink, clothes for wedding, babysitter etc) and stay there and chill.
DH as groomsman goes to the wedding alone.

TappingTed · 05/07/2023 21:25

Is a groomsman like a bridesmaid? Not the best man?
I would skip the wedding as you say you’re close to both but they’re not budging… so they don’t want you there that much. And my child is my family so you choose one and you choose all… I’d resent spending that much money for my husband to spend that much time away from us.

username1099090 · 05/07/2023 21:26

Has bride and groom stipulated no babies for day 2, or just for the wedding day itself?

justwantobeamum · 05/07/2023 21:30

I wouldn’t be going I would change all our flights to a family holiday I actually wanted to go on. Don’t understand why so many people are so precious about their “big day not being spoiled by screaming, filthy little monsters” Jesus it’s like children aren’t part of the family or worthy. Brides can’t have much going for them if they’re worried that cute babies will upstage them!

TheUsualChaos · 05/07/2023 21:36

They are being dicks not even making an allowance for a 4 month old baby of one of their groomsmen. On that basis alone I wouldn't go and save the money for a trip you can enjoy together without the stress.

Honeyroar · 05/07/2023 21:36

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:21

Of course

do you think other countries don’t have DBS equivalents?

When you leave a child with a baby sitter in the UK they’re also a stranger

Goodness me get a grip

Show quote history

I think you’re being a bit harsh with your “get a grip” comment. Many people wouldn’t even fly with their four month old baby, let alone dump it with a stranger, registered or not.

it’s perfectly understandable why you’d not want to sit around in an apartment with a new baby. I’d be staying home and in my own comfortable space. If I was your husband I’d be seriously thinking about staying as well. Groomsman is not that vital is it. Just a mate in a matching suit.

username1099090 · 05/07/2023 21:37

justwantobeamum · 05/07/2023 21:30

I wouldn’t be going I would change all our flights to a family holiday I actually wanted to go on. Don’t understand why so many people are so precious about their “big day not being spoiled by screaming, filthy little monsters” Jesus it’s like children aren’t part of the family or worthy. Brides can’t have much going for them if they’re worried that cute babies will upstage them!

I don't necessarily think it's about being upstaged and more about it being an adult celebration. The same way I wouldn't invite babies to my 40th birthday, or to the pub, or to any event i'd be expecting drinking, dancing, loud music (and tbh even more so at a wedding - nothing is worse than a wail through the vows, or speeches!)

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:39

Honeyroar · 05/07/2023 21:36

I think you’re being a bit harsh with your “get a grip” comment. Many people wouldn’t even fly with their four month old baby, let alone dump it with a stranger, registered or not.

it’s perfectly understandable why you’d not want to sit around in an apartment with a new baby. I’d be staying home and in my own comfortable space. If I was your husband I’d be seriously thinking about staying as well. Groomsman is not that vital is it. Just a mate in a matching suit.

Show quote history

Then those people are a bit silly

I don’t know many families where travel didn’t feature heavily in their babies first few months

Your wording of ‘dump with a stranger’ is very telling

Original poster
GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:39

username1099090 · 05/07/2023 21:26

Has bride and groom stipulated no babies for day 2, or just for the wedding day itself?

No, just the wedding day. The second day is in a completely different venue, they've hired an apartment with a garden. Second days can be a hit and miss tbh, sometimes it can be fun, other times everyones too hungover or just want to get back home.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 05/07/2023 21:40

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:21

Of course

do you think other countries don’t have DBS equivalents?

When you leave a child with a baby sitter in the UK they’re also a stranger

Goodness me get a grip

Show quote history

Not to me they wouldn’t be. No child of mine was left alone with a stranger, nanny or not.

IamfeelingConfused · 05/07/2023 21:40

We used to look for reputable baby sitters and hire them a few times to help with the children at the beginning of the holiday while we were around, then again asking them to take children to children's club at the hotel. If we felt comfortable we would hire the babysitter for the wedding day. By this time the kids had been with them 3-4 times and we had assessed if we felt comfortable.

N15 · 05/07/2023 21:41

Having a destination wedding, and expecting people to be able to attend without their 4 month baby is selfish. I'm shocked they won't budge. 'No children ' weddings have always allowed babes in arms in my experience. They don't cost anything.

username1099090 · 05/07/2023 21:42

@GreyToBlack Really tricky for you! I'll be honest, I'm a big fan of kid free weddings but a baby and abroad is really tricky for you!

Could hubby send a message to B&G along the lines of 'We are really trying to find solutions for baby at your wedding but with no-one available to help, our options are becoming limited. Just want to check there is definitely no option of baby coming for the day before we finalise our plans' and see what they come back with?

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