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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No baby at destination wedding

208 replies

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:05

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman.

We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day.

I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 06/07/2023 02:59

Chance that the second day is a hoot and go.
At best you will find a baby sitter able to watch the baby for one hour of the ceremony and for some of the reception. (Are other guests using a baby sitter or do they have teenage children who have baby sat and will love to watch a baby in a pram for one hour?) or you could attend the second half of the reception. Once MC lead speeches and first dance are over husband could watch the baby. And you will all have a great day at the second venue.

At worst you will have a lovely shopping afternoon, new coffee shops and a great day in a garden on day two where you can toast the couple and see friends and have time with husband.

Stillcantbebothered · 06/07/2023 03:07

Awrite · 05/07/2023 22:51

I don't think I have ever been invited to a child free wedding. Actually, I have but my kids were iolder and enjoyed staying with their cousins while we were away.

Genuinely, in your circumstances, my dh would not go. Or he would be the one to spend the day with the baby and let me go. As my kids were bf that would have meant only going for a couple of hours. Not worth it if abroad.

In short, both is us would send our apologies. United and all that.

Why would he send you to go when they are
more his friends and he’s a groomsman while you’re not on the bridal party?

kittycatsmum · 06/07/2023 03:40

I wouldn't go abroad.
Sounds shit for you especially day 2 listening to the stories.

Stay at home and arrange something you'll enjoy with/ without baby.

Same for next wedding.

Why would you travel round all these places to be dh's maid staying at the room? Nah do something at home for you.

ChekhovsMum · 06/07/2023 03:55

So they’re asking you to spend all that money on flights, which you will have to endure not enjoy with a little baby, accommodation, all the extras of being abroad, and by implication childcare (which of course is impossible to arrange) and not even attend the wedding? And your alternative is to stay home alone with a little baby, which is do-able but not a lot of fun, just because they won’t have babes in arms at their wedding? Gosh, aren’t they important.

Hopefully this couple will have many children of their own.

I wouldn’t go personally. I’d use the money to hire a local babysitter for a number of hours every day and take yourself off for a major treat (whatever that constitutes for you) for every day your DH is away. Take selfies of this and post prominently on social media.

Fuck this shit of young mothers having to suffer hardship for other people who don’t get how hard it is yet.

Codlingmoths · 06/07/2023 04:00

Do not go. Cancel the flights. Ditto for the other wedding - if you go on the trip then in your dhs mind you had a holiday too, I’d you don’t go it’s clear you didn’t and you missed out and he can’t kid himself because then he doesn’t have to feel in the slightest guilty. this way you book something fun without him when baby is 1 and swan off baby free for a few days and he can’t protest at all.
also; your friends are full of crap. Reasons are: other guests have been able to arrange childcare and the venue isn't suitable for kids to run around in.. This really demand a polite oh: they’ve all found childcare for their 4 month old baby? Oh the children are older, that is quite different. Also, are you aware that 4 month old babies don’t run around venues? The advanced ones might perhaps be able to roll over. They are hardly going to wreak havoc like older kids might so the venue would be fine, but if you just don’t want babies then it’s your wedding of course.’

theGooHasGone · 06/07/2023 04:13

Definitely think you're being unreasonable expecting them to just change their rule for you because you said you'd go to their child-free wedding, bought flights and then somehow had a baby. It's fine for them to say "no children" - it's their sodding wedding! It's equally fine for that to be the reason that you don't go.

Change the flights to go somewhere else and enjoy a holiday instead. Alternatively if you really want to make a point, go to the same place and just don't go to the wedding. I'm not sure they'll care as much as you'd hope they will, but it might make you feel better.

Yellowdays · 06/07/2023 04:39

Definitely don't bicker and behave passive aggressively with them regarding their decision! That's not good advice.

I agree with this:

I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

Really there's no action you can take. Your choices are to stay home, go and do other stuff with the baby, or take a day each and the other person cares for the baby. I wouldn't use childcare abroad in these circumstances myself.

TumbleweedRolling · 06/07/2023 05:07

The couple have since had their own DC and are a bit embarrassed about the expectations they had of everyone

This is always such a funny comment to me.
Parents who took missing out on something because of their kids say this often here.
And I always wonder that did they really? 😃

Frogpond · 06/07/2023 05:13

Weddings aren’t particularly interesting once you have been to a few. Unless it’s someone you are close to they have done you a favour by giving you an out. If your dh still wants to go just go along, maybe find somewhere else with better facilities to stay and have a nice weekend away. If it’s an outdoor in public place for the ceremony you can walk past and see the bride, then go and do something fun.

Frogpond · 06/07/2023 05:13

And by fun I mean have room service and a nap.

daretodenim · 06/07/2023 05:19

He did and we got a "sorry you can't attend but...". Reasons are: other guests have been able to arrange childcare and the venue isn't suitable for kids to run around in.

This is actually insulting to both your intelligences. Your DH should be annoyed by this. He views it as directed 100% at you though, not him, so he's not bothered.

How much time does DH have with baby alone? I'd say that next weekend that needs to be dramatically increased, including night responsibilities, even if you're exclusively breastfeeding. And again the weekend before the wedding, if he's still going. Firstly he needs some proper bonding time with baby from the sounds of things and secondly he needs to properly realise the work involved. Thirdly if he's happy to go away for the weekend without you, shirking his own parenting responsibilities, then he needs to give you some time off first. And you need to physically leave him alone, either coming back only for feeding, or have him bring baby to wherever you are, if you're not expressing.

Don't let him get away with living his life as though he doesn't have a child.

And I'd not be rushing any socialising with these "friends" from now on. They literally don't care if you're at their special day, because you have a babe-in-arms. Their choice, sure, but they don't care about you (or DH) quite as much as you do about them, if you've booked and paid to attend their destination wedding. And I'd not be bothering with a gift either. You certainly don't owe anything to people who are happy for you not to be there.

LiOLeary · 06/07/2023 05:42

daretodenim · 06/07/2023 05:19

He did and we got a "sorry you can't attend but...". Reasons are: other guests have been able to arrange childcare and the venue isn't suitable for kids to run around in.

This is actually insulting to both your intelligences. Your DH should be annoyed by this. He views it as directed 100% at you though, not him, so he's not bothered.

How much time does DH have with baby alone? I'd say that next weekend that needs to be dramatically increased, including night responsibilities, even if you're exclusively breastfeeding. And again the weekend before the wedding, if he's still going. Firstly he needs some proper bonding time with baby from the sounds of things and secondly he needs to properly realise the work involved. Thirdly if he's happy to go away for the weekend without you, shirking his own parenting responsibilities, then he needs to give you some time off first. And you need to physically leave him alone, either coming back only for feeding, or have him bring baby to wherever you are, if you're not expressing.

Don't let him get away with living his life as though he doesn't have a child.

And I'd not be rushing any socialising with these "friends" from now on. They literally don't care if you're at their special day, because you have a babe-in-arms. Their choice, sure, but they don't care about you (or DH) quite as much as you do about them, if you've booked and paid to attend their destination wedding. And I'd not be bothering with a gift either. You certainly don't owe anything to people who are happy for you not to be there.

This is the pettiest shit I've ever read. How boring your life must be to constantly add and subtract like that.

I think OP seems to have a much more reasonable head on her shoulders.

Rightsraptor · 06/07/2023 06:28

You say you'd be in an apartment in a city. And it'll be hot. Those two things alone say 'no' to me. Babies can get very crotchety indeed in the heat and you'll have nowhere to escape to. Your circumstances have radically changed - stay home.

Frankly, it sounds awful. What is it with these 'destination' weddings? Who are they trying to impress? You're expected to spend loads of money going somewhere you don't want to go to - just why?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 06/07/2023 06:35

I love my LO so much. I can't lie though that I feel my life has completely changed overnight

Well, yes - because it has. Your life will never go back to how it was before.

The reality of being a parent is that nobody is going to prioritise your baby like you do. It's something you have to get used to unfortunately.

whatchagonnado · 06/07/2023 06:53

It's fine to decline politely and stay at home.

renthead · 06/07/2023 06:58

I'd definitely cancel and stay home.

Tukmgru · 06/07/2023 07:08

In a very similar situation, and it really fucks me off. It’s totally fine to have a no kids at the wedding rule, but it’s not fine to get arsey at parents who can’t or don’t want to come to the wedding and leave their baby behind.

A wedding may be the most important day for the couple - it isn’t for anyone else. Just like my baby isn’t ever going to be as high a priority for anyone but me. But a wedding is just a day, whilst a baby is a life.

I’m mostly writing this as catharsis as I’ll never tell my friend how annoyed I am at them for being annoyed at me 🤣

Backstreets · 06/07/2023 07:09

Circumstances changed, I think you should cancel. Holidays aren’t cheap. All that for a flight with a newborn and then sitting in a room while your husband is at a party? Christ.

Newphony · 06/07/2023 07:09

I think the wedding parties attitude stems from the fact that so many people put babies in nurseries so early, so being separated from a baby is seen as no biggey in this day and age. That is the impression I get from that message I am afraid.
Of course their attitude is totally wrong and very selfish, but very young babies are no longer viewed as something that cannot be separated from their mother as so many women now choose to pay to do it so early on.

Nordicrain · 06/07/2023 07:11

I would just let my DH go and stay at home with the baby. I would have gone along and just skipped the wedding had it been somewhere fun to holiday with a baby, but it doesn't sound like it is.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 06/07/2023 07:12

LemonTreeSkies · 06/07/2023 02:21

They booked the flights before baby even existed. It’s in the OP

Show quote history

How? If the baby is 4 months, and the wedding hasn’t happened yet the she was pregnant when they booked. Almost all flights go on sale max 11-12 months in advance.

Nordicrain · 06/07/2023 07:12

Newphony · 06/07/2023 07:09

I think the wedding parties attitude stems from the fact that so many people put babies in nurseries so early, so being separated from a baby is seen as no biggey in this day and age. That is the impression I get from that message I am afraid.
Of course their attitude is totally wrong and very selfish, but very young babies are no longer viewed as something that cannot be separated from their mother as so many women now choose to pay to do it so early on.

Ah, another of the evils of working mothers daring to outsource childcare. They've ruined weddings too now! If they just knew their place and stayed at home with their kids where they belong.

Pkhsvd · 06/07/2023 07:16

@Failingjuggler clearly that’s where we differ then as my 4 month old wasn’t left with any babysitter unless I knew them.

Pkhsvd · 06/07/2023 07:19

@TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName
embarassed because they realised what a big ask it actually was to travel abroad without our children and guilt anyone who didn’t feel good about this. Despite what people say on here a wedding doesn’t actually give you a free pass on considering the impact of your decisions on people

HarrisJu · 06/07/2023 07:20

I wonder what would happen if your dh was a single father.
Bet they’d make an exception for him to attend with his dc.

I think you should choose one wedding each to attend, he doesn’t have to be a groomsman, they’re your friends too.
Suggest it. Wait and watch the rules change.

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