No baby at destination wedding

[GreyToBlack]

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman.

We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day.

I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

Welcome to motherhood with no childcare. It’s really damn hard. I wouldn’t go and I’d probably let dh go but be a bit annoyed. He wouldn’t be going to another though. He doesn’t get to carry on as normal while you’re trapped at home

I'd not accept having to sit out two weddings fully while your DH gets to go and have fun. Options I'd give him: you cancel and save your money, you each pick one upcoming wedding to attend and one to sit out, or you split the day in two. He does the ceremony/meal (since he's groomsman) but comes back and you go to the disco/evening do. Then swap for the next wedding.

Being a parent means you do miss out on things, but it shouldn't mean that mum always misses out while dad gets to carry on as normal. You aren't his childcare on tap - you both have equal responsibility.

I'm with you on this one @Maray1967 ....especially not at 4 months old! OP if I didn't think I'd enjoy the trip I'd cancel and stay at home. Do what's best for you and baby. I really struggled when my baby was this age, so in all honesty if I didn't have family support nearby I'd expect my partner to cancel too....groomsman or not!

Actually I love this suggestion....do one of these options!

You do realise that children have to be paid for at weddings? We had a child free wedding simply because it was £50 for a children’s meals sorry but I wasn’t paying for them to sit and probably eat none of it 🤣 it’s not just because people don’t want them spoiling the day, as you assume.

With limited options I would go and use the wedding day to do something fun like sightseeing as someone else said or if you don't feel like that is a good option for you stay at home.
However, I think if you didn't take the opportunity to do it you're cutting your nose off to spite your face because you can't attend a wedding.
Also, the bride and groom are not forcing you to be separated from your baby, they are having a child free wedding and won't make an exception for you. You are fully entitled to turn the invite down. As for being punished for having a small child, plenty of people have child free weddings I'm sure they didn't choose to have one just to "punish you". As for the other wedding coming up, that isn't part of your current issue, but it does sound like your partner needs to step up or find a compromise so that you can go. He shouldn't always expect you to be the one to step down all the time.

Definitely do the swapping options
if you can’t agree which day then flip for it
i wonder if solutions to childcare might magically appear when he is affected

It feels like this is just as much a DH problem as a child-free wedding one. It's unacceptable that so often men think they are entitled to skip around doing exactly what they did before, and women are expected to make all the accommodations and compromises. You're a family with a baby now. Why TF should his life and plans be so unaffected when yours have to fundamentally change?

I think you should consider spelling it out to them kindly. Not to make them change their minds. But so they understand it’s not won’t but can’t and would respond to this along the lines of: ‘Well LO won’t be doing any running around just yet, it’s mainly feeding and sleeping 😂. We understand you don’t want to make an exception for babes in arms. It is a lot more difficult to find childcare for a tiny baby than it is for older children. Unfortunately as my mum is no longer around, there is no one capable of caring for LO, who will only be 4 months old. I hope you have a lovely wedding and I will hear all about the trip from dh when he comes home.’

They are really lack tact to be discussing it in front of you when they’ve told you you can’t attend.

How would he react if you said to him something along the lines of 'when I look back on this time, what I will remember is that you weren't there for our family, you didn't have our backs, you weren't part of the team'?

He needs to live up to his new responsibilities, that's not your job to shoulder alone.

Judgemental much? Maybe because of your name? Just because you can't understand doesn't mean others opinions and wants are any less valid.

No they aren't being dicks.

I agree with aaallllll of this!!!!!!

Just on the 2 weddings.... Your DH is groomsman for this wedding, and the second wedding is on his side. Yes it would be down to you to miss them / do the minding on the day and for you to get day 2 imo. That is very unfortunate for you that both are a bit more on his side. If it was the other way around and I was bridesmaid for one, and the 2nd wedding was on my side, I would be rightly pissed off if my OH tried to get me to stay at home. These are 2 events in a long list of events that ye will have over the years that only one person can go to for whatever reason!

YANBU but fir the first wedding he’s part of the wedding party so I’d say it’s fine if he goes. Same as if you were attending something similar.
I would try and maybe have another go at getting bride and groom to let the baby in. Promise you’ll take them away if they start crying etc, emphasise the no extra cost or effort.
It’s also worth considering that maybe they don’t want little babies as everyone coo’s over them and fusses round them at events. Maybe bride and groom don’t want the attention on a baby and everyone asking about them about when they’ll be trying etc.

This.
All those jumping to chastise the husband are clearly forgetting these weddings are his friends / family - I’m sure if a wedding cropped up that was the friends / family of DW then he’d have no problem looking after the baby.

I’ve done it myself - really enjoyed looking after the DC while DW went and had a day off.

Nor me.
The last destination wedding we went to was not only child-free but in the middle of nowhere, in Tuscany and mid August. No public transport so had to hire a car, no accommodation provided and flights very expensive.
it cost a small fortune, everyone was hot and uncomfortable and the marriage barely lasted 3 months!
Never again.

No they're not. I'd never have left my baby with a stranger. Our babysitters were all from a close knit group of mum friends when DC were small. People who knew our babies' personalities - what calmed them, how they settled etc.

OP I don't think you are flouncing at all to not want to schlep to a foreign country and sit in a rented flat without all your usual equipment and support. I'd not go. See if you can get money back on the flight.

Personally I hate weddings without children and babies. Much more fun if all generations are there.

What on earth are you on about? Nobody speaks like this in real life, unless you are a second rate motivational speaker.

I’d go. It’s one day-well not that really as dh can leave after the meal. It’s a few hours. You will have many, many occasions where you cannot attend now that you have a child.
Enjoy strolling around the city with your baby.

OP,

1. Overseas wedding are a massive inconvenience to people, cost a lot of money and eat into your holiday allowance

2. Weddings without children cause stress and upset to guests who cannot find childcare

This wedding covers both, so don't go and don't feel bad about it. The B&G have not only made their guests lives difficult in one way, they have gone the whole hog.

You are feeling a bit left out and excluded. Your life is different now, you have a beautiful child. I think you should take a step back and focus your time on you and your child. Join groups where there are other women, other DC so that the things you need to do are not including taking a flight and handing your DC over to a stranger. Fill your time with child friendly things. Don't fret over going to weddings where the B&G are too up their own arse to include children.

Everything the op has posted indicates her Dh has no intention of returning after a few hours. It will be a full day, plus hangover. I wouldn’t go near it without it being somewhere nice with a pool.

It all sounds like far too much effort for a couple of days.

Just stay home

Yes it’s very shit OP I feel your pain.

I have a 6 month old who’s a terrible sleeper so any social event that’s not baby friendly we either go to separately or grandparents babysit till about 11pm when we get home. i know we’re lucky to have babysitters close by but when you enjoy socialising and having a few drinks it’s a hard adjustment to make.

As for being punished for having a small child, plenty of people have child free weddings I'm sure they didn't choose to have one just to "punish you".

They didn’t. OP said that her and DH knew about the wedding being fully child-free before they knew they were expecting. I wouldn’t expect anyone to hold off on having children due to a wedding, but to take it personal, is unfair knowing that was the case to begin with. They already paid for accommodations and flights so either they already paid before finding out they were expecting or they paid in hopes that the bride and groom would change their mind.

Depending on the location and amenities, I would just go and tour the area with baby in tow if you couldn’t get a refund. Our oldest was around the same age and flying time when we went to a destination wedding (both DH and I and his brother and wife had destination weddings because I and SIL are from two different countries so the weddings were in the midway point of both countries). Oldest was fine on both flights and mostly slept. By that time, I was used to having him with me solo so it was nothing to place him in a baby stroller or sling and walk around for a bit with breaks in between.

I can understand why people don't want children running around at the wedding. That's completely different to a four month old baby who needs to be with their mum. They are basically telling you that you can't go to the wedding which would make me wonder whether we were friends at all.