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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No baby at destination wedding

208 replies

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:05

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman.

We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day.

I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

OP posts:
BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 17:01

Persiana · 06/07/2023 08:55

On balance I wouldn't go and I don't think it's you flouncing. I think you will be there feeling left out, the second day really isn't worth it- like you say it's a bit of a mop up of the wedding and lots of hungover people.
I think if the couple really won't budge then it's 100% fair to stay at home, that way your DH can fully get into the day and not be worrying about you or the baby.
I do think the wedding couple are being arses though, a tiny baby in a sling isn't changing the dynamic at all, but there you are it is what it is!

@Persiana a tiny baby in a sling isn't changing the dynamic at all

They do when those babies have an ear-splitting scream!

Scalottia · 07/07/2023 17:07

Sissynova · 05/07/2023 21:11

Seems weird to be upset that you will be missing out by skipping the wedding so your solution is to skip the entire trip altogether. There’s not a lot of logic in that.

They planned a no kids wedding, you booked your flights. It’s not their fault you had a baby in between those then and now.

You can’t push them to change their mind, they are not asking mothers to be separated from their babies 🙄 you can choose to go or not, no one is forcing you.

Exactly this.

Stop with the pity party OP. None of this is mandatory.

Scalottia · 07/07/2023 17:12

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/07/2023 22:49

The situation is ridiculous and so is your husband.

You should all decline. These are not good friends or good people.
And your DH isanit helping. Its an incredibly selfish and childish point of view he has.

None of this is okay and I say this as someone who could be accused of "not caring enough" about my own baby (as i happily left my baby regularly from a young age with trusted members of my family for 1-6 hours and left her overnight for a night when she was 4 months with my mum who she saw 4-7 times per week.)

They're not good people because they planned a childfree wedding before OP got pregnant? Ok, strange logic, but whatever.

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 17:14

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 14:02

It is excluding as they’ve chosen not to make an exception for a tiny baby, which many people having child free weddings do, even knowing that means she can’t come since they’ve chosen a destination wedding. That’s their choice, they are entitled to it, but it tells you what they think and the op is allowed to reassess the relationship accordingly.

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Why would they make an exception for a screaming baby, @Codlingmoths .

I really for the life of me don't get this exception for babies thing. Many, many, many, many, many posts on Mumsnet over the years have shown how ear-piercing screaming babies have ruined the ceremony. It is not worth the risk. One said she couldn't even hear the vows her husband was making over the screaming baby. Maybe include some older children, but NEVER babies. It's far too great a risk.

Scalottia · 07/07/2023 17:16

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/07/2023 07:44

I think you should consider spelling it out to them kindly. Not to make them change their minds. But so they understand it’s not won’t but can’t and would respond to this along the lines of: ‘Well LO won’t be doing any running around just yet, it’s mainly feeding and sleeping 😂. We understand you don’t want to make an exception for babes in arms. It is a lot more difficult to find childcare for a tiny baby than it is for older children. Unfortunately as my mum is no longer around, there is no one capable of caring for LO, who will only be 4 months old. I hope you have a lovely wedding and I will hear all about the trip from dh when he comes home.’

They are really lack tact to be discussing it in front of you when they’ve told you you can’t attend.

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No, you don't need to spell it out, kindly or otherwise. How patronising. It's a childfree wedding. No need to guilt trip the couple. Childfree means no children. Also, mainly sleeping and feeding, could also be screaming and crying. No thanks.

coeurnoir · 07/07/2023 17:54

I do love a good childfree wedding bunfight on MN.
I particularly enjoy the projections about the bride and grooms personalities; I mean it could be Florence Nightingale marrying St Francis of Assisi but decide that you want your wedding for adults only and you're suddenly criminally selfish and deserve to be struck off all invitation lists for ever more.

Oh and of course the poor couple will suddenly have a damascene conversion when they have children and apologise to the parents who couldn't come to their wedding because they were so selfish.

Btw some people never go on to have kids.

In real life you get an invitation that's to a childfree wedding. Quick conversation with partner about do we have childcare? If so let's ask, if not the one that is closest to couple goes, the other stats at home. Couple informed of decision.
Couple fine with decision and friendship/family relationship continues as usual.

But I think I prefer the MN weddings to be honest 🍿

Hollyppp · 07/07/2023 18:35

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:59

Why are you assuming they are only talking about "tiny babies", and not children in general, of all ages, @Hollyppp ?

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She’s mentioned the baby’s age in the OP…

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 20:22

Hollyppp · 07/07/2023 18:35

She’s mentioned the baby’s age in the OP…

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@Hollyppp you were replying to BeeDavis and not the OP. BeeDavis was replying to someone who spoke about CHILDREN IN GENERAL, at weddings. "BeeDavis · Yesterday 07:38

You do realise that children have to be paid for at weddings? We had a child free wedding simply because it was £50 for a children’s meals sorry but I wasn’t paying for them to sit and probably eat none of it 🤣 it’s not just because people don’t want them spoiling the day, as you assume."

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