Page 8 | No baby at destination wedding

GreyToBlack · 2023-07-05T20:05:19+00:00

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman. We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day. I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 11:10

An honest post SiobhanSharpe, thank you.

So many women become bridezillas when they get married.

I am off to a destination wedding shortly. I am really annoyed that I have to take time off and spend money going to this wedding, for people who think the whole world revolves around them. We initially said no, but it was actually a summons, not an invitation it turns out, with consequences from extended family if we don't go. As a result I refused to participate in the whole shebang, and made our own arrangements where we pop in for the wedding, and that it it. I've had to massively bite my tongue over the massive drama that it all is, but as soon as this day ends, I am no longer putting up with this diva crap.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 06/07/2023 11:28

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 11:10

An honest post SiobhanSharpe, thank you.

So many women become bridezillas when they get married.

I am off to a destination wedding shortly. I am really annoyed that I have to take time off and spend money going to this wedding, for people who think the whole world revolves around them. We initially said no, but it was actually a summons, not an invitation it turns out, with consequences from extended family if we don't go. As a result I refused to participate in the whole shebang, and made our own arrangements where we pop in for the wedding, and that it it. I've had to massively bite my tongue over the massive drama that it all is, but as soon as this day ends, I am no longer putting up with this diva crap.

A summon really? 🙄what "consequences"? You are not going to be grounded, or lose your pocket money are you? You are a grown-up, if you don't want to go, just go.

There's a hatred for weddings on MN which is really funny.

Destinations weddings are lovely, you make a holiday out of them, and at worst you get to spend time in a place you wouldn't have considered otherwise. If you can't afford it, or don't want to go, then just decline.

Why should a couple have to compromise and get a wedding they don't want because of one disgruntled distant family member. Unless you are all in the same village, every wedding means people have to travel and pay for accommodation anyway.

made our own arrangements where we pop in for the wedding, and that it it.
I am sure you will be dearly missed 😂

JorisBonson · 06/07/2023 11:36

fitzwilliamdarcy · 06/07/2023 11:03

MN has this weird obsession with childfree weddings being about instagram or shallow women (always women) wanting perfection or whatever, whereas the Real True weddings involve kids doing knee slides in a village hall.

It's completely out of sync with my own experience. The weddings I've been to that have been all "instagrammy" and perfect have been the ones where parents have been all over SM posting the kids in their cute outfits., posed against the prettiest backdrop they can find. I've been to more than one wedding where a parent has dressed their kid in identkit clothing to the flowergirls/boys, so that they'd have more chance of being in the official photos.

The two childfree weddings I've been to were at city halls, with pub meals afterwards. No photographer, flowers, balloon arches or whatever. Low key, intimate, just really lovely occasions.

I think the truth is that some people want the glossy day and some people want the laidback day. The division isn't driven by whether or not they have or want kids there, but their individual personality.

My childfree wedding party was in a sports hall and we had pie and mash. Absolutely nothing instagrammy about it and it was a great knees up. We just didn't want children, and didn't get in a huff if those with children couldn't attend! (Everyone did tho).

Spinet · 06/07/2023 11:46

A child-free wedding is one thing (boring, in my view but whatever). A child-free destination wedding with a groomsman who has a not invited 4 month old baby? Insanely inconsiderate!

JorisBonson · 06/07/2023 11:58

Spinet · 06/07/2023 11:46

A child-free wedding is one thing (boring, in my view but whatever). A child-free destination wedding with a groomsman who has a not invited 4 month old baby? Insanely inconsiderate!

They planned it this way before OP was even pregnant.

nokidshere · 06/07/2023 14:05

I had a child free wedding. We got married in the register office on a Friday afternoon. Then went back to our little cottage for cake and champagne.

None of my 5 sisters were in a position to pay for hotels (we lived 200 miles from them) and they had 14 children between them. So I invited sisters only, no children and no husbands/partners - they stayed home with the children.

We had a ball, they had a break. We left to stay in a hotel for the night and mum/dad took everyone else out for dinner locally then they all bunked down at my cottage for the night.

Neither we, nor any of our other 8 guests had children so it worked out well for everyone. I love children, and family get togethers, but it was much easier/cheaper to not have them all there. I don't regret it at all.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 06/07/2023 15:04

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 11:10

An honest post SiobhanSharpe, thank you.

So many women become bridezillas when they get married.

I am off to a destination wedding shortly. I am really annoyed that I have to take time off and spend money going to this wedding, for people who think the whole world revolves around them. We initially said no, but it was actually a summons, not an invitation it turns out, with consequences from extended family if we don't go. As a result I refused to participate in the whole shebang, and made our own arrangements where we pop in for the wedding, and that it it. I've had to massively bite my tongue over the massive drama that it all is, but as soon as this day ends, I am no longer putting up with this diva crap.

We initially said no, but it was actually a summons, not an invitation it turns out, with consequences from extended family if we don't go.

Like? Anything like this from family, I think fuck it, dont talk to me. If you want to act like a spoilt brat, then I dont need to know you

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 21:09

TheSea

It is quite hard to turn down an invitation from a close family member when the older members turn on the hysterics and make threats. We are going, but I am not staying in the same hotel as them and the grooms family. If I have to turn this into a holiday, which for a week I do, then I am getting some enjoyment out of it. My family will have a nice time in our hotel, and will go over for the wedding. I refuse to be this persons narcissistic supply.

It's too late to cancel now, it is in a couple of weeks, but when I get back, yes I will be doing this;

I think fuck it, dont talk to me. If you want to act like a spoilt brat, then I dont need to know you

Codlingmoths · 06/07/2023 22:14

anyone can have a child free wedding. Friends who are excluded by this are entitled to feel a little miffed- their presence obviously wasn’t that valued. Most of us want to feel that our friends want us at their biggest occasions . In this case I’d actually be really miffed since Dh is a groomsman. So they are saying you’re a really close friend but we are totally cool not having your wife here. That’s a bit upsetting actually. In our case though Dh wouldn’t go - you want him as groomsman you don’t ask him to travel without his family when there’s a 4mo baby.

phoenixrosehere · 06/07/2023 22:39

Codlingmoths · 06/07/2023 22:14

anyone can have a child free wedding. Friends who are excluded by this are entitled to feel a little miffed- their presence obviously wasn’t that valued. Most of us want to feel that our friends want us at their biggest occasions . In this case I’d actually be really miffed since Dh is a groomsman. So they are saying you’re a really close friend but we are totally cool not having your wife here. That’s a bit upsetting actually. In our case though Dh wouldn’t go - you want him as groomsman you don’t ask him to travel without his family when there’s a 4mo baby.

It’s not excluding considering OP literally says in her first post that her and her DH knew the wedding was baby/child free before they knew they were expecting.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/07/2023 22:49

The situation is ridiculous and so is your husband.

You should all decline. These are not good friends or good people.
And your DH isanit helping. Its an incredibly selfish and childish point of view he has.

None of this is okay and I say this as someone who could be accused of "not caring enough" about my own baby (as i happily left my baby regularly from a young age with trusted members of my family for 1-6 hours and left her overnight for a night when she was 4 months with my mum who she saw 4-7 times per week.)

LittleMissUnreasonable · 07/07/2023 11:24

And your DH isanit helping. Its an incredibly selfish and childish point of view he has.
@Totalwasteofpaper

How is it childish to want to go to your friend (for which he's a groomsman) and families wedding 🙄. Going and enjoying events outside of your nuclear family doesn't automatically make you a childish person. As a previous poster said, if these events were on the OP's side Im sure the DH would be happy to look after his own child whilst OP enjoyed herself.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 07/07/2023 13:45

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 21:09

TheSea

It is quite hard to turn down an invitation from a close family member when the older members turn on the hysterics and make threats. We are going, but I am not staying in the same hotel as them and the grooms family. If I have to turn this into a holiday, which for a week I do, then I am getting some enjoyment out of it. My family will have a nice time in our hotel, and will go over for the wedding. I refuse to be this persons narcissistic supply.

It's too late to cancel now, it is in a couple of weeks, but when I get back, yes I will be doing this;

I think fuck it, dont talk to me. If you want to act like a spoilt brat, then I dont need to know you

well done!

I think once you get older (I'm over 50 now) I think "fuck the lot of you, I dont care if we are blood/related. I'm just not playing stupid fucking games"

NeedToChangeName · 07/07/2023 13:50

Could your DH step down as groomsman, he just goes to the wedding service, not the reception party?

That way, you could have a short break together

mindutopia · 07/07/2023 13:59

We had one of these. Dh was best man, so he had to go. He went on his own (which he hated), as no overnight childcare options for us. It was in the middle of nowhere in Ireland in winter, so not exactly the sort of place where I wanted to be stuck with a baby and a toddler and a hungover dh. Couldn't have justified the cost anyway.

Funny enough, this same couple now have a baby and a toddler and have been invited to a destination wedding that is childfree and last time we saw them were complaining about how ridiculous this was. 😂

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 14:02

phoenixrosehere · 06/07/2023 22:39

It’s not excluding considering OP literally says in her first post that her and her DH knew the wedding was baby/child free before they knew they were expecting.

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It is excluding as they’ve chosen not to make an exception for a tiny baby, which many people having child free weddings do, even knowing that means she can’t come since they’ve chosen a destination wedding. That’s their choice, they are entitled to it, but it tells you what they think and the op is allowed to reassess the relationship accordingly.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 07/07/2023 14:14

t is excluding as they’ve chosen not to make an exception for a tiny baby

it's not that easy, once you have made all the arrangements. You can't make exception for one but not the other, then there's only a couple of months difference with the 3rd and before you know it, there's kids everywhere.

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 14:22

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 14:02

It is excluding as they’ve chosen not to make an exception for a tiny baby, which many people having child free weddings do, even knowing that means she can’t come since they’ve chosen a destination wedding. That’s their choice, they are entitled to it, but it tells you what they think and the op is allowed to reassess the relationship accordingly.

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And what about all the parents who found childcare to attend this wedding? How do you think they are going to see it when OP rocks up with her baby and they were told to leave theirs at home?

Making an exception for OP may have them reassessing their relationships with the bride and groom wondering why an exception was made for her , but not them.

OP and DH knew how the wedding was going to be. She can still go and see the bride and groom some time before or after the wedding and tour around if possible the area, or stay home with the baby.

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:48

BoredandFifty · 06/07/2023 08:15

OP,

Overseas wedding are a massive inconvenience to people, cost a lot of money and eat into your holiday allowance
Weddings without children cause stress and upset to guests who cannot find childcare

This wedding covers both, so don't go and don't feel bad about it. The B&G have not only made their guests lives difficult in one way, they have gone the whole hog.

You are feeling a bit left out and excluded. Your life is different now, you have a beautiful child. I think you should take a step back and focus your time on you and your child. Join groups where there are other women, other DC so that the things you need to do are not including taking a flight and handing your DC over to a stranger. Fill your time with child friendly things. Don't fret over going to weddings where the B&G are too up their own arse to include children.

@BoredandFifty Not wanting children at Adults Only events like weddings does NOT mean the B&G are "too up their own arse". You're being ridiculous and shallow.

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:51

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 06/07/2023 07:12

How? If the baby is 4 months, and the wedding hasn’t happened yet the she was pregnant when they booked. Almost all flights go on sale max 11-12 months in advance.

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I think OP means their baby will be 4 months on the wedding day, @Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday , That's generally how wedding threads go on here when it comes to weddings, the OPs say "I will be pregnant/baby will be x months old at the time of the wedding etc".

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/07/2023 16:53

@BathroomOnTheRight even if that’s the case she was still pregnant when the flights went on sale

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:56

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/07/2023 08:42

I can understand why people don't want children running around at the wedding. That's completely different to a four month old baby who needs to be with their mum. They are basically telling you that you can't go to the wedding which would make me wonder whether we were friends at all.

@determinedtomakethiswork As is said almost a million times on these threads, babies scream and cry. Babies are probably worse than older children. And post after post after post after post after post on this site over the years have shown that parents tend not to take the ear-splitting screaming baby out. Some said they couldn't hear the vows their husband said. I'll never understand why people think babies should be 'exempt'. To me, the rule should be specifically to exclude babies mostly, as their the big problem.

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:57

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/07/2023 16:53

@BathroomOnTheRight even if that’s the case she was still pregnant when the flights went on sale

The OP doesn't say when she booked, how far ago, or even when the wedding is, so how can you possibly know that?

BathroomOnTheRight · 07/07/2023 16:59

Hollyppp · 06/07/2023 08:50

Haha they don’t charge £40 for a tiny baby that’s not even in a high chair yet?! You sound completely ignorant

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Why are you assuming they are only talking about "tiny babies", and not children in general, of all ages, @Hollyppp ?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 07/07/2023 17:00

@BathroomOnTheRight pretty much every airline releases flights max 11 months before departure. So if baby will be 4 months , unless quite premature it’s a reasonable assumption that she was pg already when they went on sale