Page 2 | No baby at destination wedding

GreyToBlack · 2023-07-05T20:05:19+00:00

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman. We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day. I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

Tandora · 05/07/2023 21:50

I’d def be staying home OP if that is your preference. I also wonder whether your partner really wants to go? You should both act entirely selfishly and not worry about the bride and groom , as that is what they have done in return x

Original poster

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:50

username1099090 · 05/07/2023 21:42

@GreyToBlack Really tricky for you! I'll be honest, I'm a big fan of kid free weddings but a baby and abroad is really tricky for you!

Could hubby send a message to B&G along the lines of 'We are really trying to find solutions for baby at your wedding but with no-one available to help, our options are becoming limited. Just want to check there is definitely no option of baby coming for the day before we finalise our plans' and see what they come back with?

Thanks, I do get why kids free weddings are a thing but I have to say this situation has really got to me (I think I'm still hormonal lol). Maybe because I did want to genuinely attend as their fairly close friends. It feels like I am being punished for having a baby. I know for sure thats not their intention, just how it feels. I had to listen to them this week talking about their wedding day schedule, their plans, the venue, the wedding food etc etc - all of which I will never get to see lol!

He did and we got a "sorry you can't attend but...". Reasons are: other guests have been able to arrange childcare and the venue isn't suitable for kids to run around in.

OP posts:

TappingTed · 05/07/2023 21:55

I’d reply with “sorry but we are unable to leave our baby, so sadly are no longer able to attend”
How much would you lose out on money wise?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 05/07/2023 21:56

I just wouldn't go at all. I guess I have a jaundiced view of caring for babies as I had twins and doing anything with them during the first year felt like preparing for a Victorian adventurer expedition to find the source of the Nile or the Ganges. It is much, much easier to look after a small baby at home where you have all their stuff and your stuff.

I know 25 people will be here commenting that little babies are 'portable'. They are, they are also noisy, smelly, and get scary ill when they do get sick. DD cried non-stop for three hours every single evening at that age no matter what we did.

VisionsOfSplendour · 05/07/2023 21:57

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:15

So your solution is to flounce?

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend

Because finding suitable one off childcare for a few hours in a foreign country is so easy, what an odd suggestion

Original poster

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:57

Tandora · 05/07/2023 21:50

I’d def be staying home OP if that is your preference. I also wonder whether your partner really wants to go? You should both act entirely selfishly and not worry about the bride and groom , as that is what they have done in return x

Hubby actually wants to go. When I've said how sh*t this situation is for me he thinks I should be ok with not going, "its only one day".

We have another wedding thats no kids inc babies, also abroad but husband's home country. They've invited everyone we would ask to babysit. Hes sure we can find someone else, when I asked "what if we can't, I won't be able to go. Would you also be ok not going?" - he refused to answer it. As the wedding is more his side, I guess its me again who has to drop out.

OP posts:

TheUsualChaos · 05/07/2023 22:02

So he expects his social life to carry on as normal while you make all the adjustments and miss out on things. The couple getting married clearly aren't that fussed about you missing the wedding and DH is happy to go and enjoy the day while you stay behind on your own with a baby. Sorry OP but they all sound shit tbh.

Pippa12 · 05/07/2023 22:05

I completely understand you not wanting to go at all. I think your husband is unfair. There is no way my DH would leave me and a baby in the apartment for the day and go to a wedding. It will be such a long and lonely day for you.

We would either both not go to the wedding but attend everything ‘family friendly’ together, or, not go at all and have a family holiday in an alternative destination.

I love destination weddings (I had one myself!) but imo if people have made the effort to come, no way would i dictate ‘no children’. I can’t believe your ‘friends’ are happy for you to spend the day alone.

Tandora · 05/07/2023 22:05

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:57

Hubby actually wants to go. When I've said how sh*t this situation is for me he thinks I should be ok with not going, "its only one day".

We have another wedding thats no kids inc babies, also abroad but husband's home country. They've invited everyone we would ask to babysit. Hes sure we can find someone else, when I asked "what if we can't, I won't be able to go. Would you also be ok not going?" - he refused to answer it. As the wedding is more his side, I guess its me again who has to drop out.

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That sucks op and really unfair on you 😨. I wouldn’t be going tbh, it’s not fair that you are the one who has to make all the sacrifice.

ItsCalledAConversation · 05/07/2023 22:05

Sorry it’s a bummer but you can’t go now. Send DP and stay home with your baby.

Original poster

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 22:08

TheUsualChaos · 05/07/2023 22:02

So he expects his social life to carry on as normal while you make all the adjustments and miss out on things. The couple getting married clearly aren't that fussed about you missing the wedding and DH is happy to go and enjoy the day while you stay behind on your own with a baby. Sorry OP but they all sound shit tbh.

Thanks, I wasn't sure if feeling the way I do was reasonable. I love my LO so much. I can't lie though that I feel my life has completely changed overnight and weddings are the main events in our lives atm. To not be able to go whilst everyone else can seems a bit crap. I get it, its their wedding, they have every right to do what they want. I think I have to decide what would be best for me and LO though.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 22:09

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:21

Of course

do you think other countries don’t have DBS equivalents?

When you leave a child with a baby sitter in the UK they’re also a stranger

Goodness me get a grip

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It is pretty normal not to feel comfortable to leave your baby with a complete stranger, DBS or not.

Happy not to have the sort of 'grip' you have.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/07/2023 22:10

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:15

So your solution is to flounce?

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend

Haha yeah sure

phoenixrosehere · 05/07/2023 22:10

GreyToBlack · 05/07/2023 21:50

Thanks, I do get why kids free weddings are a thing but I have to say this situation has really got to me (I think I'm still hormonal lol). Maybe because I did want to genuinely attend as their fairly close friends. It feels like I am being punished for having a baby. I know for sure thats not their intention, just how it feels. I had to listen to them this week talking about their wedding day schedule, their plans, the venue, the wedding food etc etc - all of which I will never get to see lol!

He did and we got a "sorry you can't attend but...". Reasons are: other guests have been able to arrange childcare and the venue isn't suitable for kids to run around in.

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How are you being punished though?

You did post that you and DH knew about the wedding and reception being baby and child free before you knew you were expecting.

It would be nice if they did accommodate you but then it also puts them in an awkward position for the guests who could and did find someone to watch their babies/children seeing you there with yours and unfortunately people do notice that and get upset

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/07/2023 22:10

wildfirewonder · 05/07/2023 22:09

It is pretty normal not to feel comfortable to leave your baby with a complete stranger, DBS or not.

Happy not to have the sort of 'grip' you have.

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Agreed. Just bizarre.

Fiftyisthenewsixty · 05/07/2023 22:11

Where's the wedding? Maybe someone knows a trusted sitter!

FrontEnd · 05/07/2023 22:11

No way in hell could I be bothered dragging myself abroad with a baby to do some (unnecessary) remote solo childcare because I wasn't welcome at the main event. Just an inconvenient waste of money and effort.

parrotonthesofa · 05/07/2023 22:15

I just find it so odd that a baby is not allowed at the wedding. Surely if they end up having kids themselves they will look back on this and think wtf

TappingTed · 05/07/2023 22:15

The one in DHs home country is a bit different and I’d be more willing to bend for that. But this one? Nope.
Though if family that had a baby and don’t live near me we’re coming home for a family
wedding and then the baby wasn’t invited I’d be livid- and offering to forgo the wedding to see the baby in a heartbeat!! Maybe your husband comes from a long line of selfish twats…

Saoirse82 · 05/07/2023 22:19

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:15

So your solution is to flounce?

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend

I doubt there would be many mothers that would do this!

Tulipblank · 05/07/2023 22:21

Failingjuggler · 05/07/2023 21:15

So your solution is to flounce?

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend

Splishsploshsplash · 05/07/2023 22:21

The thing is though that both weddings are clearly on your husbands side - his family for one and he is in the bridal party for the other. I’d tell him to go on his own and ensure you get to do something lovely another time.

Madrid67 · 05/07/2023 22:26

Look for local nanny’s or registered babysitters if you want to attend
Not everyone wants a stranger looking after their baby..and if she is breast feeding.its very difficult anyway not all babies will take bottles and not everyone can express much milk anyway.
OP I think it's fine to stay home. It doesn't sound as though it will.be very enjoyable. People who have childfree weddings have go accept that some people won't attend.

lavenderdilly · 05/07/2023 22:28

Simple choice for me - either switch to a nice hotel with a pool and pool side service so you and baby can have a lovely and hassle free time on your own.

Or stay at home and be comfortable in your own space.

There is no way in hell I'd be stuck in an apartment, in a hot city, on my own with a baby, just to attend day 2 of a wedding.

Your DH needs to be a little bit more empathetic.

GoldDuster · 05/07/2023 22:30

Deciding against flying your baby to a pointless city break at 4 months to sit in an apartment and wait for your DH to come home pissed? Not flouncing.

Not wanting to leave your four month old baby with a stranger for hours on end doesn't mean you need to get a grip. Quite the opposite.

You've had a baby, things have changed, priorities included and you may need to make different decisions now, and change your trip rather than stick to your guns and throw your tiny baby at the nearest person who will catch them while you run to the bar. Your DH however does sound very happy to continue his life without compromise, worth being honest about how you feel and keeping an eye on how that develops.