No baby at destination wedding

[GreyToBlack]

We have a destination wedding (2-3hrs flight) where both myself and husband are good friends with the couple. They had planned no kids inc babies both ceremony and reception before we discovered we were expecting. They won't budge on it. My husband is a groomsman.

We tried to find someone to fly with us to look after our 4 month old but to no luck. We are not fortunate to have family close by, husbands parents live abroad and my dad (mum has passed) is ill and gets stressed out with things like this. We had already booked our flights and accommodation and since we have no one I thought to not go to the wedding day, to spend the day sightseeing. However, now I just feel like I'll be missing out, theres the second day but its not the actual wedding which I'd have liked to be at. All of the mates going have no kids and so will be attending. My husband will probably come back pissed on the wedding day.

I am trying to see it as a holiday but the more I do the more I just realise I am probably not going to have as much of a good time as I'd hope. AIBU for wanting to cancel my flights and stay with baby at home? I get why couples choose not to have kids at their wedding but asking mums to separate from their babies and to do so abroad is a real stretch, especially when my husband is part of the wedding party. Just feels like a real bummer.

I don’t think it’s the same. In the UK, I know what DBS and NVQ level 3 childcare means. I know the measures I’ve taken to child-proof my home. I know where the hospital is and how to get there. It’s a bigger challenge and there’s more uncertainty arranging childcare abroad. Telling someone to simply “get a grip” is ignorant.

With a four month old I spent a lot of time hanging round at home. I certainly wasn’t a housewife 😂.

Haha they don’t charge £40 for a tiny baby that’s not even in a high chair yet?! You sound completely ignorant

*£50 and yes the child would be eating none of it seeing as they aren’t even eating food yet…?!

I think I’d be tempted to tell my DH that sorry I’ve made plans on that day so if he wants to go to the wedding can he sort out the childcare.

when I look back on this time, what I will remember is that you weren't there for our family, you didn't have our backs, you weren't part of the team'?

Lol. Love the melodrama.

Having kids means you’re going to miss out on stuff. Better get used to it. No point both of you missing weddings; there will most likely be many over the next few years, probably mostly child free. He goes to the ones of his family and friends, you go to those of yours. It’s a shame but that’s life with kids. Things change.

Then one day you realise you can just leave them at home, because they’ve turned into teenagers, and it’s massively liberating (although they judge you for coming home hungover). Then the next thing you know, they’ve gone off to university without a backwards glance and you’re completely free to do what you like - and you sob into your pillow about not being needed anymore 😁

On balance I wouldn't go and I don't think it's you flouncing. I think you will be there feeling left out, the second day really isn't worth it- like you say it's a bit of a mop up of the wedding and lots of hungover people.
I think if the couple really won't budge then it's 100% fair to stay at home, that way your DH can fully get into the day and not be worrying about you or the baby.
I do think the wedding couple are being arses though, a tiny baby in a sling isn't changing the dynamic at all, but there you are it is what it is!

These threads give me such bad deja vu.

I'd rather not risk it to begin with. But then I also wouldn't do a destination wedding as I feel combining that with a no children rule leaves people with kids up the creek!

In any case OP - as many have said I feel your best option is to stay home and DH goes to be part of the wedding party. It's a lot of travel to essentially be an on-location babysitter for, unless you particularly fancy travelling to have the day mooching around with baby for any reason.

After that reply I wouldn't go and I would be disappointed that baby's father didn't feel the same.

Regarding other wedding in his home country, how sad his family don't want to spend time with his child.

I'd watch him, there's something not quite right there.

Honestly there's no need for all the drama lama here. It's dh friend that's getting married so of course it should be him that goes while Op either doesn't bother travelling ; absolutely fine) or travels and takes the day to go site seeking ( also fine) . If it was her friend getting married the reverse should be true.
Being married doesn't mean you have to attend every event together.
I understand that your disappointed to be missing out but you were unreasonable to have asked them to make an exception for you already so just let it go . There will be other weddings and events l.

Does it say anywhere that B&G have guilted anybody or thrown a strop? It sounds like OP has queried it and been told that there's a reason for it, but no whining or wheedling. Parents always seem to think that their absence is going to cause Drama whereas in reality those who choose childfree weddings have done so knowing that that means that some people won't be able to attend.

(Also, arf at asking them "are you aware that 4 month old babies do not run around?" as if you're cross-examining them on their poor explanation for not inviting kids. They're not in court, they don't owe OP an explanation that would convince a jury of their peers. They just don't want to say to OP's face that her baby isn't welcome.)

I don't understand why people are berating the Bride and Groom? They set out from the start what they would like the wedding to be and OP and DH accepted, including DH being a groomsmen. It's not their fault that OP decided to have a baby between accepting the invitation and the ceremony.

Just because everyone thinks their own baby is the best thing in the world, it doesn't mean that other people should have to bend over backwards to change plans. I'd send DH to be a groomsmen and have a lovely time with the baby exploring the city. She's hardly going to be confined to the room waiting for DH.

and I say this as someone who has kids, step kids and had a child friendly wedding.

I'm having a wedding for Mr, the wedding I want. If I don't want dc there, then I don't want them there.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. As often said here, it's an invitation not a summons

I know. Lets just blame everything on those pesky working women who are so selfish to financially provide for their children yet when a man does it, they happily live off of him. 😂

Some venues charge for even young babies or if they don't, there's often a capacity limit due to health and safety reasons and sometimes babies are counted in those babies.

Numbers, not the second babies.

I don't know why people get outraged when people without children don't consider the needs of people with children when they are making plans. I'll bet the OP wasn't bothered about the wedding being childfree before she had her child. It's nothing personal. The OP is invited. That's all. She's not being told she must come and leave her baby behind. If the OP can't go then she can't go.

@TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName well yes if you don’t really care that some people won’t be able to come then that’s fine.
A child free wedding is fine, it’s tricky for some people but fine. A destination wedding is fine but again tricky for some. Add both those together and it’s a lot to put on people, the people we invited to our wedding were people we loved and cared about and we didn’t want to put a lot on them and cause stress.
Saying it’s my wedding and the wedding I want doesn’t mean that you aren’t causing people issues and absolve responsibility of that and if you invited them then surely you care if they can come or not otherwise why choose them to be there

I'd cancel the whole thing. If they don't want to accommodate your baby, that's their choice and I get that if you let one, then others get pissed off at not bringing theirs. The whole dynamic changes once children are present. But I wouldn't be spending money so my dh could go, while I was stuck at home with the baby!
I'd much rather spend my money on a trip for my family.

And your husband sounds horrible - he became a parent as much as you did, but you have become the default carer. It's his responsibility to do 50% of the childcare, so he can't go swanning off abroad unless you are willing to pick up his slack. He's assuming you just will!
Personally I'd put a stop to that attitude right now.

who leaves a 4 MONTH OLD baby with a complete stranger in any country?

I know who need to get a grip, and it's not the poster you are replying to.

As someone who had a childfree wedding many years ago when it was really quite unusual, I regret my decision massively. It was knobbish and I was being a diva. It was pointless too because family coming from abroad, didn't realise and brought their 8 year old son anyway. (who was no problem at all)
The other children who were excluded are now delightful adults themselves and I am still in contact with them. So yes, I feel embarrassed. It was shitty and all about me.
Who do we have weddings ? They are about society, not just one couple. Generally people getting married want their family and friends to be there to witness and share in the joy of the occasion, from children to grand- or even great grand-parents. Otherwise, why not just go off on your own and say your vows on a beach or mountain top? Then do a civil/legal bit later. (Yes, I realise some people do just that. More power to them.)
But no, so many people seem to want that really 'perfect' day, not realising it will be the imperfections, the slip-ups and misunderstandings (or worse!) that you and your guests will remember fondly, and talk about, in years to come.

MN has this weird obsession with childfree weddings being about instagram or shallow women (always women) wanting perfection or whatever, whereas the Real True weddings involve kids doing knee slides in a village hall.

It's completely out of sync with my own experience. The weddings I've been to that have been all "instagrammy" and perfect have been the ones where parents have been all over SM posting the kids in their cute outfits., posed against the prettiest backdrop they can find. I've been to more than one wedding where a parent has dressed their kid in identkit clothing to the flowergirls/boys, so that they'd have more chance of being in the official photos.

The two childfree weddings I've been to were at city halls, with pub meals afterwards. No photographer, flowers, balloon arches or whatever. Low key, intimate, just really lovely occasions.

I think the truth is that some people want the glossy day and some people want the laidback day. The division isn't driven by whether or not they have or want kids there, but their individual personality.

The bride and groom are generally young and child-free. Why would they be expected to put up with kids running around, or babies crying on their wedding day?

Most of the couples will end up having their own kids at some point, can't they enjoy a child-free special day whilst they can?