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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder WTF is the matter with H

213 replies

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:15

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 04/07/2023 18:17

He’s abusive
your poor daughter and you

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

Sunflowersinthewind · 04/07/2023 18:19

He sounds like a twat. Have you asked him why he does nothing for your birthday? (Also it's my birthday tomorrow so happy birthday, birthday twin!)

veryfluffyfluff · 04/07/2023 18:20

Woah.. he's a nasty peice of work

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:20

Sunflowersinthewind · 04/07/2023 18:19

He sounds like a twat. Have you asked him why he does nothing for your birthday? (Also it's my birthday tomorrow so happy birthday, birthday twin!)

Haha thank you. Happy birthday to you too for tomorrow.

He says he just doesn't believe in birthdays. He has got me a gift from him and the kids, but it's just a happy birthday there's your presents, what's for tea?

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 04/07/2023 18:21

Huh. Miserable twat. Any chance you can take DD out for a wonderful day of celebrating yourself? Leave grumpy twat to be resentful by himself.

HellonHeels · 04/07/2023 18:22

He's an abusive shit. And he's abusing you in front of your little daughter.

It won't get better. For your birthday, take your DD out for cake, meet a friend, anything but hang around with him.

Longer term, leave. You dont deserve this and your DD will be harmed by living with abuse.

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:23

GarlicGrace · 04/07/2023 18:21

Huh. Miserable twat. Any chance you can take DD out for a wonderful day of celebrating yourself? Leave grumpy twat to be resentful by himself.

I'm actually going to work, they will make a fuss of me there. It's more the starting arguments that gets to me.

OP posts:
Sunflowersinthewind · 04/07/2023 18:24

Does he do his birthday? So he doesn't mind going out for a meal, having a cake etc? He is just lazy and disrespectful. I think you should go out tomorrow somewhere nice and enjoy it by yourself as PP said

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/07/2023 18:24

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

I agree with this actually

TeaMeBasil · 04/07/2023 18:24

So he doesn't believe in birthdays but is ok with you making a fuss for his?

How would he react if you did the bare minimum for his too? Would he not care or would he be put out?

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 04/07/2023 18:25

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

This.

Tinkerbyebye · 04/07/2023 18:26

So stop doing anything for his birthday, christmas etc

next week when everything’s over sit down and tell him what you say in your post and how he makes you feel

if he continues then look to leave, he’s no example for your child, and why waste time on him, life is too short to be unhappy

fluffiphlox · 04/07/2023 18:26

What do you see in this charmer?

SpeckledlyHen · 04/07/2023 18:26

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

Absolutely nailed it

Summerish · 04/07/2023 18:27

Why did you do something for his birthday? Don’t bother next year .

Pumpkindoodles · 04/07/2023 18:28

He’s abusive.
My DH isn’t always great with occasions, they’re just not a big deal in his family.
sometimes if it’s one I think he may not see as being important I’ll just say, hey this thing is happening, can you make an effort. And I know some people would hate that, but he’s happy to make an effort and always does and is lovely. We just have different values and there’s no point expecting him to be a mind reader. He shows me kindness and love in lots of ways i don’t need to ask for too.
So at first I thought maybe that was the case here. But your DH doesn’t sound like he’s lovely otherwise, it’s not that he forgot, it’s that he remembers and he picks a fight. He actively tries to make it worse for you. And he’s involving your daughter in his abuse too.

I don’t think it’s true that he doesn’t believe in birthdays because it sounds like he accepts it when you’re making a fuss over him. And like birthdays arent the only occasion there’s an issue.
Also he’s making it your problem, he ruins happiness, then tells you that actually you are the one ruining his happiness. He is very cruel to you.

AllAboardTootToot · 04/07/2023 18:28

Take his card and go enjoy your day. Fucking twat!

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 18:29

Your husband is a twat, but why aren't you saying exactly how you feel, especially when he asks?

He asked you what's wrong, and you said you're "fine." You're not fine. You're sad and resentful. Why didn't you tell him that? Why didn't you tell him that it makes you feel unimportant and taken for granted that he puts no effort in whatsoever to acknowledge your birthday or other special occasions?

More importantly, why are you choosing to stay with him if he's such a miserable person? Don't you want more than this for your life?

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/07/2023 18:31

That's no way to live. He is ruining every lovely occasion in your life. Who the hell is that?

Denise82 · 04/07/2023 18:31

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

Yep this.
Just tell him your fed up of him not doing anything for your birthday, if he wants to row you may as well row him about what pisses you off.

theemmadilemma · 04/07/2023 18:33

He's an abusive cunt.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:34

It’s not just birthdays though, is it?

As you said in your OP it’s any special occasion - or to be exact any special occasion for you, any occasion where he’d be expected to make a bit of an effort for you and toward you.

He just can’t be arsed, can he? So he winds you up and causes an argument and then it’s your fault he didn’t make any effort because you’re a moody cow and you spoilt it for yourself.

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2023 18:34

He sounds horrible and hard work. But you really should have told him what's wrong because you're not fine.
He'd probably blow up and rant but at least you'd have been clear.
How old is your daughter?
I hear you though and it's shit.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 04/07/2023 18:34

Get on Amazon Prime and order yourself some birthday gifts to arrive tomorrow. Get them gift wrapped too. The tomorrow go out with DD for a nice meal. Leave him at home.

He can’t be arsed but he’s wanting to reframe that as your fault. Twat.

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