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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder WTF is the matter with H

213 replies

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:15

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 04/07/2023 23:02

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2023 18:29

Your husband is a twat, but why aren't you saying exactly how you feel, especially when he asks?

He asked you what's wrong, and you said you're "fine." You're not fine. You're sad and resentful. Why didn't you tell him that? Why didn't you tell him that it makes you feel unimportant and taken for granted that he puts no effort in whatsoever to acknowledge your birthday or other special occasions?

More importantly, why are you choosing to stay with him if he's such a miserable person? Don't you want more than this for your life?

This but I’d add in that you’re not fine at all, because you know that whenever there’s a special occasion, birthdays anniversary, Christmas..whatever… he is going to act exactly like he is now to cause an argument. “All you have to say to me is Happy Birthday, give me a card and a gift, doesn’t have to be extravagant but no, you pick and pick until you cause an argument. Yes you cause it, not me. Why do you do that?”
Hes an abusive twat.

Toseland · 04/07/2023 23:03

Best wishes for your Birthday xxx
Sorry but you have to leave as he is abusive, you'll be happier. I had a boyfriend like that - such a miserable existance.

RantyAnty · 04/07/2023 23:04

Give him a card with divorce papers in it. He sounds terrible.

Lostinplaces · 04/07/2023 23:07

He does it so that he has an excuse to make no effort with you on those special occasions. He wants something in the bank to excuse why he’s a useless selfish prick on those days because “you started an argument” blah blah so “it’s your own fault” he makes no effort. He’s a nasty piece of work.

Takeabreather23 · 04/07/2023 23:16

He’s a narcassist is my view .
Always got to be about them.
can’t have anything that’s about you or you doing anything that takes attention away from them .
he’s manipulated the situation so you don’t have a jive say caused and argument to ruin
your birthday .
He will continue to take the joy out every single thing that could make you remotely happy.

leave the abusive nasty asshole

Travelfan2021 · 04/07/2023 23:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Ottersmith · 04/07/2023 23:25

Oh my god I thought your daughter was a teenager. She's only 2! There is still hope for her. He is being abusive. It's horrible behaviour. How do you see you and your daughter's future? Do you want every special occasion ruined for your daughter? How would you feel if she married a man like that? Are you prepared for what you will say when one day she asks why you didn't protect her from her miserable bully Father? You need to make plans to leave for your daughter's sake. He is going to ruin her birthdays and events too.

Takeabreather23 · 04/07/2023 23:25

@cushioncovers this is what I’ve just said !
I lived it too . Tooke me a while to figure it out and tbh only once I was away and had some space without him constantly in my head could I figure out why he did it .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/07/2023 23:31

Please take your daughter out with you for a treat like cinema or pizza or manicure just you two x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/07/2023 23:32

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2023 18:50

Why are you with this angry miserable cunt? How can you bear to open your legs for him?

Please don't tolerate being spoken to like this and please don't let your little daughter grow up witnessing the awful things he says. Verbal abuse affects small children so much, at that age they're learning how the world works. She's learning that this is how men treat women.

This

Hawkins0001 · 04/07/2023 23:34

Omg all the best op, happy birthday and L,T,B

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/07/2023 23:35

"I don't cook on my birthday, it is my day for treats."
Make some really nice orders for yourself on amazon, gift wrapped. Get yourself a really fancy cake and candles. Always make a big fuss of your daughter on her birthdays and Christmas.
Take yourself out.
Do not acknowledge your husband's birthday or Christmas.
Love yourself the way you deserve to be loved.

Biggest gift of all, kick the loser out!

MrsO3 · 04/07/2023 23:40

He's a bully. How dare he speak to you like that and in front of your DD as well and then tell her not to speak to you too?! Trying to get others to 'gang up' on you like a playground bully. What a nasty man. How old is DD? You should never let her see him getting away with talking to you like that. He's completely disrespecting you in front of her, you don't want her to end up thinking this is 'normal' treatment by a man to his partner/wife..I'm sorry you love with this @Wowz

MrsO3 · 04/07/2023 23:41

MrsO3 · 04/07/2023 23:40

He's a bully. How dare he speak to you like that and in front of your DD as well and then tell her not to speak to you too?! Trying to get others to 'gang up' on you like a playground bully. What a nasty man. How old is DD? You should never let her see him getting away with talking to you like that. He's completely disrespecting you in front of her, you don't want her to end up thinking this is 'normal' treatment by a man to his partner/wife..I'm sorry you love with this @Wowz

*live with not love

BlastedPimples · 04/07/2023 23:52

Starting arguments.

Trying to make you look unreasonable.

Does he have a girlfriend?

It's classic behaviour.

Trying to make you look crackers to justify his extra marital dalliance.

Codlingmoths · 04/07/2023 23:59

Have you considered taking your dd away for a couple of nights for every birthday ever from here on? I wouldn’t want to be I the same country as this nasty tosser. Does he ever do any thing nice? Is he ever caring towards you?

Avondale89 · 05/07/2023 00:10

Sounds like a classic narcissist. Or at least extremely strong traits. Have a Google about have narcissists treat other people’s birthdays. It’s eye opening. Sorry you’re in this situation, it’s unlikely these pricks will change. I’d get rid and get into therapy yourself.

Avondale89 · 05/07/2023 00:13

Ottersmith · 04/07/2023 23:25

Oh my god I thought your daughter was a teenager. She's only 2! There is still hope for her. He is being abusive. It's horrible behaviour. How do you see you and your daughter's future? Do you want every special occasion ruined for your daughter? How would you feel if she married a man like that? Are you prepared for what you will say when one day she asks why you didn't protect her from her miserable bully Father? You need to make plans to leave for your daughter's sake. He is going to ruin her birthdays and events too.

Fully agree with this. Unfortunately if you stay and witnesses this behaviour repeatedly, she will think this is how men treat women and the abuse cycle will continue. I experienced it in my own life and needed a lot of therapy to realise it.

Avondale89 · 05/07/2023 00:16

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/07/2023 20:51

You're an adult, not a child. You sound difficult as F! Sulking because nobody has gushed over you and sulkily refusing to tell your DH whats the matter and then lying and telling him nothing is the matter when that's not true.... And HE'S the abusive one?!?!

Yes, he is. The fact you can’t appreciate this likely means either you regularly treat people in this way and don’t see an issue with it, or you’re hugely emotionally underdeveloped. Either way, yes he is abusive.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 05/07/2023 00:30

He's a cunt, please leave him.

Naddd · 05/07/2023 00:33

Well if he doesn't do birthdays why do you do his?

sandyhappypeople · 05/07/2023 01:18

Takeabreather23 · 04/07/2023 23:40

Why oh why did you link this.. I was supposed to be in bed over an hour ago and I've been glued to the screen! What a fascinating (and massively long) read!

UpaladderwatchingTV · 05/07/2023 01:43

I too think you were wrong not to tell him what was bothering you. You say that if you do tell him, he then only accuses you of being dramatic. My DH once pestered me to tell him what was wrong, and then when I told him, he said that I was 'being irrational'. I thought about it for a moment, and then said 'It may seem irrational to you, but you asked me what was the matter and I told you. What I feel might not make any sense to you, but it's the way that I feel, and that's what you need to know, and deal with. Telling me that I'm being irrational doesn't solve the problem, it just turns it into an argument, and you need to actually LISTEN to what I'm telling you'.

Sorry if that doesn't make as much sense as I want it to OP, but what I'm trying to say, is that if you tell him that him not making a fuss over your birthday or other special occasions upsets you, and then he just says 'well I'm not bothered about those things so I can't see why it bothers you so much', then you need to tell him that that is the problem, he's only looking at it from his own point of view, and as your partner, he needs to try and understand it from your side of things, not just make out that because it doesn't matter to him, that it's not important for other people, that's just a very selfish attitude. After my DH and I had the conversation above, he went quiet and wandered off for a while, to think about what I'd said. When he came back, he actually asked what he could do to make the situation better for ME. That was the whole point of the conversation, and he finally understood that it wasn't about HIM, it was about ME. This is what your DH needs to do, and if he can't or won't, then as others have said, I really wouldn't continue to waste your life by staying with him, as he clearly doesn't understand you, and doesn't want to. Hope this now makes some sort of sense, and that maybe it will give you something to think about, with regard to how to broach the problems that you're having.

Hope you have a lovely birthday, and the people at work spoil you rotten!