To wonder WTF is the matter with H

[Wowz]

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

This made me so sad to read this. Reminded me of how my dad used to treat my mum. One year he wrapped up her birthday present in newspaper. 40 years later I still remember this.

You deserve a great birthday and to be treated special. Leave him would be my advice.

Sorry, posted too soon. Of course I’m not excusing his behaviour but wondering if he really struggles with occasions, and it comes out as an aggressive attack. I have an adopted child, and birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc. are very painful for them. Not so much now but in previous years they would try and sabotage any celebration.

Please don't allow another birthday or Christmas to pass by with this man.

He doesn’t sound like a very kind man 😐

It's called gaslighting. Don't let your daughter normalise this crazy behaviour and it's time you started looking after yourself. Do something special for your birthday every year. Take the day off and have fun.

I agree with this. Make an exit plan. You deserve better.

Nope, complete opposite.

He's from a background where he was doted on and idolised by his mum. His dad isn't big on celebrations and often went out / to the pub on Christmas and birthdays when he was growing up, but mum did and still does ensure he gets a good celebration and is happy.

I'm going against the grain here but I find it odd that you feel sad and go quiet the day before your birthday, then act weird and don't say what's wrong when asked, you're setting yourself up for a disappointing day before it's even started, why not forget whatever he does or doesn't do, choose somewhere to go on your birthday or something that YOU want to do, that you can go with your daughter (and him if he acts like a decent human being) or friends etc, start a new tradition with your daughter of organising yourself a nice birthday, that you can look forward to, if he can't behave, then he doesn't get to come, end of.

If you're waiting/expecting for him to become Mr Sensitive and actually do something nice on your birthday or any of these other special occasions, no wonder it all goes to shit because he obviously isn't that guy, if you accept this bullshit the rest of the time, he won't ever change, and by being miserable in the run up to it it's almost a self fulfilling prophesy.

I'm not defending him by the way, he sounds like a massive dickhead, but stop moping and don't LET him ruin things, why wait for him to suddenly become someone he's not, then get upset that's he's not that person? you can't control what other people do, but you can certainly control what you do.

Sounds like a wonderful environment for your daughter.

Not.

Please make plans to leave this abusive twat.

I'm feeling so sad for your DD 😪

He’s a nasty abusive bully!

And he’s laying the foundation now for you to have a shit birthday and when you do he can blame it on you and your mood rather than admitting he’s made fuck all effort!

Horrible man. Give totalled a treat this birthday and get rid of him!!

Why are you still with this man?

This 👆

my ex used to wreck every ‘special’ day in much the same fashion. It all became about how difficult I was.

How much effort does it take to buy a card ffs?

It is emotional abuse and the hallmark of an abuser. I would take a long hard look at the way he treats you more generally in life, and whether you are happy.

@Wowz hi, and happy birthday for you tomorrow, I hope they spoil you at work.

I grew up with an extremely abusive father who would create arguments around special occasions and use them to incite violence and mental torture through them for me as a child.
As a result advent calenders absolutely traumatised me from early on.
Instead of knowing the days before father Christmas was coming, in my head I'd be terrified for the mother of all kick offs, Xmas day. I have DC of my own now and they'll never ever know what I experienced, I actually behave like I'm mother Christmas, I'm the "baking/decorating house like grotto" mum, but inside I'm still a ball of trauma.
Ironically I need to keep busy because of the ptsd flashbacks, so I start prepping elaborate meals for the Xmas countdown from October and busy myself in bringing joy to others, when inside I feel like I'd be happier living on the moon over winter.

I tell you this as someone who not just feared violence, which was extreme however the mood, the fear, the whole atmosphere of a potentially awful kick off occurring, it was such a lot.

Please OP, please, as someone who was once a little girl who could have been saved all this trauma, make changes for her.

As much as my situation my seem extreme, remember, they don't always begin abuse with violence, we see it here regularly, "dh of 15 years just hit me, but he's always been an angry person".

Don't have this looming anxiety next year. Please, ducks in a row as they say.
Exit plan from a shitty man.

Best of luck to you. Acknowledging this isn't normal is a wonderful step, to then seek advice is another. Keep going x

He bought her a gift. She just wants more than that like she does for him. Cake, day out with all the family. It's likely her dad does fuck all because her mum used to do everything. Like she is doing. This means her daughter is going to get fuck all if the OP isn't around.

@Wowz

This man doesn't seem to show any love, or liking, for you. What an abusive way to behave, being verbally aggressive towards you and talking to your daughter the way he has.

He says he just doesn't believe in birthdays. He has got me a gift from him and the kids, but it's just a happy birthday there's your presents, what's for tea?

Take him at his word and scale back on your efforts for him. If people ask you about what you've planned for his birthday, be sure
to use the same words he has (but in a breezy way) "X doesn't believe in birthdays" - he told me.

I hope you don't spend the rest of your life with someone who's such an energy drain. Plan (very discreetly) to have options for a better future. 🌹

Your title says it all...WTF is the matter with H? I bet you've thought that many times in your life. Trying to work out what's going on. Why is he angry? Why isn't he being supportive? Why doesn't he do anything nice for you?

It does not matter. He is who he is. He acts how he acts

And it is upsetting and abusive and nasty. And he makes no effort to hide it from DD. In fact he's using DD as a pawn in his anger game against you.

Don't spend time worrying about him and his ways. It's all about you and DD. You can only change yourself and your own life and You can decide to not live like this anymore. You and DD can be free of his whims.

Happy birthday. Good luck OP.

Tell him out straight exactly what you said here.

Happy Birthday OP.
But the Stevie one, not the awful dirge one!

And he is a twat.

x

I started reading thinking "why on earth do you make an effort for his birthday if he's always like this" by the end of your post my thoughts were more along the lines are "why are you still with him"

This.

If someone told me I was just 'being dramatic' that would be the end of the relationship. He's supposed to be the person on Earth who loves you the most and wants you to be happy, for god's sake!

I hope you get out.

He doesn't sound at all rational, what with not just dropping the subject and actually involving your daughter in his childishness.

I can't imagine there being anything to attract you to him unless he's a god in bed, and even then that doesn't account for a great percentage of your time together!

That being so the first thing I'd advise you to do is take a long hard look at your real deep down feelings. Do you love him? If so, list the qualities he has that make you love him.

If you can't find those qualities - it's time you quietly and discreetly consulted a solicitor, got your ducks in a row and departed along with your daughter.

He sounds horrible. But wishing you a very happy birthday. xxx

Aside from the fact he is lazy about celebrating birthdays do you still want to be with him? Some people love celebrating birthdays, anniversaries etc and others really are quite happy with low key celebrations. I personally don't go over the top but we usually do celebrate with a meal out or a day out somewhere. Unfortunately I often do end up organising my own but my DH does at least ask me if I want to do anything and he always remembers cards and a present. I think instead of moping you should have said that you would like to do something for your birthday tomorrow and the fact that nothing has been organised makes you sad. Happy birthday for tomorrow and hope your work colleagues have made a fuss. I personally would get myself a bottle of prosecco and a takeaway tomorrow and watch a film and leave him to sort out his own dinner. Interesting you don't blame your dad for never making an effort either though.

Oh he doesn't do birthdays why did you bother for his?
he asked what was wrong. why didn't you just tell him so you can both discuss the issue and sort things out ?