To wonder WTF is the matter with H

[Wowz]

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

I don't believe in Christmas, in fact I actively dislike it but I still make an effort because it means a lot to people I care about.

'I'm sad because I like my birthdays to be special. Mum used to make a fuss but obvs she can't now.'

This will likely provoke an argument sadly where he will defend whatever he does or doesn't do for birthdays, however respond with, you asked me what was wrong and I've told you. Now let's move on.

Suspect he won't change, but at least you've given him honesty. And got it off your chest a bit.

He's a narcissistic twat, you deserve better!

Sounds exactly like my ex husband who is a narcissist bully, always ruined everything where the attention wasn't on him, my miscarriage, our longed for rainbow babies birth, our kids christening, friends wedding, our wedding, birthdays, Christmas, mother's day. He was also incredibly abusive towards our kids, I made the biggest mistake ever & stayed with him for 14 years when I should have got out at the start & taken my kids with me. Please don't make the same mistake as me, you & your child are worth so much more than the way he's treating you & they never change, they only get worse, till there is nothing left of your self worth. Your child will suffer too.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It was my birthday yesterday too. I spent years with my ex-husband going through exactly what you're going through, he made no effort, made me feel like I was a bitch for expecting to be made a fuss of yet I went all out for his birthday and special occasions. I left him when my son was 2.5 years old, five years later and I just spent yesterday being spoiled rotten by my new boyfriend. It wasn't about lavish gifts or loads of money, it's time and effort.
I do hope you find the strength to leave this man, I promise you'll be so much happier if you do. Before I met my bf last year, for the last few years I've treated myself to a pamper day for my birthday, haircut and a nice coffee etc that kinda thing and I've been so much happier even on my own.
Your H sounds like a narcissist and you'd be better off without him. Big hugs, the road ahead will be tough but the light at the end of the tunnel is there, I promise you xx

Sorry, and to add Happy Birthday for yesterday 🎈🥳xx

exactly this. in a nutshell.

Totally. My ex was like this. He’s a twat, get rid. You don’t want your daughter growing up listening to him belittling like this. Happy belated birthday 🎁

He is making this all about him. He doesn't want anyone making a fuss of you.

I had a mother like that. Every occasion she would have to start problems. It got to the point that we dreaded holidays or other celebrations.

My father died on 12/20/91. My niece and nephew were 6 and 8, so we couldn’t just cancel Christmas. At Christmas dinner, my mother poured Clamato juice for everyone. (For those that don’t know what that is, is a mixture of clam juice and tomato juice.) I calmly got up, poured mine back into the bottle, rinsed my glass and poured myself some soda. My sister and her husband and my brother all handed me their glasses and said, “me too.” My mother started to pitch a fit saying we should drink what she served. I told her no one but her likes that stuff. We all saw what she was up to. Even with everyone hurting over the loss of our father, she still had to try to ruin the day. Some people are just mean that way. My mother passed in 2014. Special occasions are no longer something I dread.

Being with a partner that behaves that way would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

I am with you. I would also find it very annoying if my husband suddenly went all quiet on me, wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and told me to leave him alone. I bet if I started a thread that he had done that, I would be told that he was emotionally abusing me.

Or maybe you would be told he needs some head space and to leave him alone until he feels ready to talk.

I think it's really mean of him and he doesn't sound very nice. However, when he asked you what the matter was, why did you not tell him that you were feeling hurt and unloved? He may have realised anyway, but in denying there was something wrong you gave him the opportunity to accuse you of being miserable and difficult for no good reason - when you had a very good reason to feel upset and depressed. Perhaps, in the future when he's being so horrible, you should just tell him how you feel - and I wouldn't go to much trouble with his birthday in the future.

I'm so sorry you are feeling sad about this and hope things get better for you. Perhaps you need to be more assertive in the relationship, and counselling might help you with this.