Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder WTF is the matter with H

213 replies

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:15

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:36

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2023 18:34

He sounds horrible and hard work. But you really should have told him what's wrong because you're not fine.
He'd probably blow up and rant but at least you'd have been clear.
How old is your daughter?
I hear you though and it's shit.

She's 2. I probably should of said what's wrong, but I tell him every year how my birthday makes me feel. I told him I was fine, I just wanted to be on my own for a while to cook tea as this is how I deal with things.

OP posts:
TheLifeofMrsP · 04/07/2023 18:36

Wow he sounds a right charmer! Without knowing your background and only knowing your side of the situation, I still think you have every right to feel fed up about hat is going on. From your description, he doesn't sound the best Hubby and he needs to make more of an effort.

notsofamous · 04/07/2023 18:36

No..you do not want to live like this op. I feel so sad for you.

PhoenixIsFlying · 04/07/2023 18:38

My ex used to be like this. I ended up dreading celebrations.
Now I have a very quiet birthday but I am very happy like that. Its not even you want fireworks just no stress.
I'm sorry you have this.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow. Find something that gives you pleasure and do it or eat it and sod him. Xxx

Icecreamalaska · 04/07/2023 18:38

Like pp I'm wondering why you say 'nothing' or 'fine' when asked. Why don't you say that you want him to organise a special day out/meal out for your birthday. Tell him you're feeling sad because you're not sure he's got anything planned. Tell him, instead of saying you're fine when you're clearly not.

It might not help, but at least things will be clearer. Stop saying nothing.

JudgeRudy · 04/07/2023 18:39

Why do you think he wants to start an argument. He could tell something was amiss but you dismissed him. Why didn't you tell him you were disappointed? He's annoyed you're sulking and won't open up. That's no excuse to swear at you but I'd be annoyed too

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2023 18:39

She's 2. I probably should of said what's wrong, but I tell him every year how my birthday makes me feel. I told him I was fine, I just wanted to be on my own for a while to cook tea as this is how I deal with things.

Aww. I'm so sorry he's so shit. I have one too. It's pants.

OrkneyBird · 04/07/2023 18:43

Your feelings are valid and understandable. He's horrible to you.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/07/2023 18:45

He abused you OP. In front of your daughter. It will only get worse and he will end up abusing her too. Please start the process to protect her.

Treat yourself to a lovely present. Its called an appointment with a solicitor.

pinkyredrose · 04/07/2023 18:50

Why are you with this angry miserable cunt? How can you bear to open your legs for him?

Please don't tolerate being spoken to like this and please don't let your little daughter grow up witnessing the awful things he says. Verbal abuse affects small children so much, at that age they're learning how the world works. She's learning that this is how men treat women.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 18:53

YANBU

First off, stop making a fuss of his birthday or any other of 'his' special days (if he has any). Sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander. Both of you may actually be happier if you stop. You won't feel resentful when he doesn't and he won't be angry because now he has to 'match' your effort.

Secondly, consider whether or not (as a PP says) he's picking fights so as not to have to make any effort for your days because he's lazy and doesn't want to make any effort.

Thirdly, is he the type that just simply must have everyone around him happy and cheerful all the time? Because if it's your job to keep him happy, he won't be able to bear you being any less that Little Mary Sunshine.

Finally, dump him if my 2nd or 3rd points ring true. Life's too short.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 04/07/2023 18:54

I had a boyfriend like this. Sack him off.

KnottyKnitting · 04/07/2023 19:01

He doesn't believe in birthdays? So I assume he refused your presents and didn't eat the cake you made or join in with the celebration you organised.

Never do it again.

Oh and buy yourself a nice spa day somewhere and leave him to look after the DCS

Twat...

LookItsMeAgain · 04/07/2023 19:01

@Wowz - I'd turn it around on him and say to counterbalance his comment "He says he just doesn't believe in birthdays. He has got me a gift from him and the kids, but it's just a happy birthday there's your presents, what's for tea?" that he's showing his daughter what the men in her life think about things. It's a got nothing to do with his beliefs, it's important to YOU, so it should be important to him to make the effort.
You've shown him what's required by doing stuff for his birthday, and you're expecting similar for yours.

You also should state very clearly when he asks what's wrong, tell him his attitude is what's wrong. You're picking up on the tension and you've actually noticed that it's always around events, big or small and why is that?

Time to call him out on his stroppy behaviour.

Happy birthday too btw

SayHi · 04/07/2023 19:02

I don’t know why you didn’t just tell him what was wrong.

Theres nothing worse than someone being in a mood and not communicating their feelings, so you have to walk around on egg shells.

I do think you caused this argument.

However, he sounds like a selfish twat.

Yes he may not understand the big deal of birthdays but if he knows his wife likes a fuss then you would do it for their sake.

I would stop making such an effort for his birthday.

Do you get in a bad mood around every celebration or just your birthday?

CalistoNoSolo · 04/07/2023 19:06

He's utterly awful. Don't fuck around buying yourself presents, or not doing anything for him. Just divorce him already and set a good example of not taking shit from men for your daughter.

Planetegg · 04/07/2023 19:06

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

This! It’s it not about him it’s an inconvenience to have to make an effort!

Original poster
Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:07

If I tell him what's wrong he would tell me I'm being dramatic. I did ask him when we where arguing why he did it on all occasions like the anniversary of mum and he told me its because I take it over the top and I can think about it but there is no need to ruin the day by moping about.

When he is in the mood for an argument there is no winning. If I argue against hIm it escalates to him shouting, if I agree with what he says, it escalates and he says I'm just agreeing with him, so I chose to be quiet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:09

Just to add to the point above. We don't argue all the time, this is just how he acts when we do have a disagreement

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 04/07/2023 19:10

My ex was like this he ruined any special occasion of mine or the kids. Apparently it's a narcissist trait.

FFSgetagripoldlady · 04/07/2023 19:11

cushioncovers · 04/07/2023 19:10

My ex was like this he ruined any special occasion of mine or the kids. Apparently it's a narcissist trait.

Came here to say this.

Denise82 · 04/07/2023 19:11

Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:07

If I tell him what's wrong he would tell me I'm being dramatic. I did ask him when we where arguing why he did it on all occasions like the anniversary of mum and he told me its because I take it over the top and I can think about it but there is no need to ruin the day by moping about.

When he is in the mood for an argument there is no winning. If I argue against hIm it escalates to him shouting, if I agree with what he says, it escalates and he says I'm just agreeing with him, so I chose to be quiet.

This is no way to live op, you can't be happy in this relationship. And your daughter is just going to see this and think it's acceptable.

Backstreets · 04/07/2023 19:13

Charming! Hope he’s nicer on the days of the year there’s nothing to celebrate!

I can somewhat understand getting stroppy if you’re trying to work out what’s wrong and just being told nothing leave me alone when that’s obviously not the case, but turning it into a shouty pity party for himself? Ick

Happy birthday op, second the suggestion of a spa day or another treat for yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2023 19:15

Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:07

If I tell him what's wrong he would tell me I'm being dramatic. I did ask him when we where arguing why he did it on all occasions like the anniversary of mum and he told me its because I take it over the top and I can think about it but there is no need to ruin the day by moping about.

When he is in the mood for an argument there is no winning. If I argue against hIm it escalates to him shouting, if I agree with what he says, it escalates and he says I'm just agreeing with him, so I chose to be quiet.

Yep, what I suspected. He expects you to be 'Little Mary Sunshine' 24/7/365. That way he doesn't have to expend any energy on you or on your emotions. He doesn't want to know about your unhappiness or spend any time caring about your problems. He just wants you to 'shut up and be happy'.

I had a bf like this. After enough time spent stifling all my emotions and shoving down my own problems whilst being sure I paid a LOT of attention to his, I realized that I could never make him care about what was important to me. I dumped him and it was as if a huge solid weight was lifted off my heart and my mind.

As I said upthread, life is too short. We only get one go round on this lovely Earth, we owe it to ourselves to be as happy as we can make ourselves.

And remember, it's better to be alone than be wishing you were.

NoSquirrels · 04/07/2023 19:19

Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:09

Just to add to the point above. We don't argue all the time, this is just how he acts when we do have a disagreement

He’s literally training you to shut up.

So, if it’s just that he’s like this ‘whenever you have a disagreement’ then you’d say he’s an otherwise brilliant guy who just happens to have, as his one tiny flaw, the ability to start an argument in a locked room, and make you feel like it’s all your fault?

He’s not really a brilliant guy, is he? If you think about it properly. He’s just a nice guy as long as you toe the line with a smile on your face. You’re not allowed emotions.