Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder WTF is the matter with H

213 replies

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:15

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 04/07/2023 20:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

BadNomad · 04/07/2023 20:52

I'm guessing he sees it as he does make an effort by buying you a gift, but you're just being ungrateful for not being happy with that? His attitude to receiving criticism is not good. He's definitely deflecting and trying to turn it back on you, making you the one to blame for your disappointment and making sure you know it.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/07/2023 20:52

@Travelfan2021 OP is the one sulking!

Panteranoir · 04/07/2023 20:53

Hankiewair · 04/07/2023 20:48

Something like Jamais.

Hi Hankiewair

It was jamaisjedors and her thread will always stay with me.

Hankiewair · 04/07/2023 20:54

Travelfan2021

Thats the one. Thank you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/07/2023 20:55

For the thousandth time, I wonder why women put up with this shit.

DarkDarkNight · 04/07/2023 20:56

He’s an utter arsehole. He either can’t be bothered to make an effort so starts a row/creates a bad atmosphere by saying you’re in a bad mood or he doesn’t like to see you feeling loved and happy.

I’m sorry nobody makes a fuss of you. I know your daughter is young now but you could do something special with her. In a few years you will be able to give her some money and let her choose you a gift with some supervision.

Panteranoir · 04/07/2023 20:57

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/07/2023 20:52

@Travelfan2021 OP is the one sulking!

Being sad that you are being emotionally abused by a man who ruins every special occasion that doesn't centre him and tells your own child not to speak to you, or not to mope on the anniversary of your mother's death isn't sulking.

And it's incredibly victim blaming to suggest it is. No wonder domestic abuse is rife with enablers so readily on hand.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2023 21:02

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:34

It’s not just birthdays though, is it?

As you said in your OP it’s any special occasion - or to be exact any special occasion for you, any occasion where he’d be expected to make a bit of an effort for you and toward you.

He just can’t be arsed, can he? So he winds you up and causes an argument and then it’s your fault he didn’t make any effort because you’re a moody cow and you spoilt it for yourself.

This ^

He doesn't believe in your special occasions.

He very likely believes all the attention should go one way - toward him.

Having a go at you the day before your baby was due, and when you found out you were pg is the mark of a narcissist.

You need to seriously rethink any assumptions or hopes you may have that (1) he will change or (2) that he brings any value to your life or your child's.

Grumpy101 · 04/07/2023 21:10

He’s literally training you to shut up.

This. He's horrible.

PumpkinQueen1 · 04/07/2023 21:12

My ex used to start an argument every Friday night without fail, so he could storm out and go drinking.

He also ruined every birthday, Christmas, and every other special occasion he could get his hands on.

Now he's gone, me and my children have lovely birthdays and Christmases, and a much happier life.

Life's way too short to put up with that bullshit.

BeverlyHa · 04/07/2023 21:13

If he is not abusive and pays the bills and ....i don't know what else is good there, may be stop having expectations about the festivals but treat yourself. I always ask for diamonds, golden crosses and Channel 5 for the big days and never get them, I do get other things though but I am always treated to so much in other ways and on other days, so .....

Mirabai · 04/07/2023 21:14

What a waste of a life OP.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 21:16

This is a red flag for an abuser.

It is also a basic narcissistic trait, because the focus is on something or something else. And they’re threatened.

Have a good think about the rest of his behaviour. I bet you’ll realise there’s a lot more going on that is awful for you.

Is it worth it? Are you happy? Because he sounds vile.

Plipplopdrop · 04/07/2023 21:17

Leave him.
Buy yourself a cake.

Meowandthen · 04/07/2023 21:18

AlfietheSchnauzer · 04/07/2023 20:51

You're an adult, not a child. You sound difficult as F! Sulking because nobody has gushed over you and sulkily refusing to tell your DH whats the matter and then lying and telling him nothing is the matter when that's not true.... And HE'S the abusive one?!?!

Yes he is. No reasonable person tells a two year old not to talk to their mother.

You’re a man, aren’t you? Do you think women should do as they are told?

Rosietheravisher · 04/07/2023 21:18

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:20

Haha thank you. Happy birthday to you too for tomorrow.

He says he just doesn't believe in birthdays. He has got me a gift from him and the kids, but it's just a happy birthday there's your presents, what's for tea?

Show quote history

I have a real resentment for people who don't believe in birthdays. they are mean, lazy fuckers. My friend's H doesn't believe in birthdays or Christmas and has therefore never bought her or their kids a birthday or xmas present. they have been together 20 years.

silverbubbles · 04/07/2023 21:19

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

spot on

SchoolShenanigans · 04/07/2023 21:20

I'm really sorry to say this, but your relationship is dead in the water. He's not the man for you, and you know it.

Partners don't do that to people. They don't hound you, and when they know you're down, kick you. They certainly don't do it at every occasion that could and should be enjoyable or significant.

He clearly can't deal with people having their own emotions. He thinks you live to make him happy.

And the fact he's dragging your daughter into it is extra cruel; to both of you. When she's older, this kind of power play is going to make her feel awful.

I'm not normally a LTB type of poster, but if I were you, I'd end things now. It will only get worse and you relationship isn't going to last, you can't put up with this forever, and he isn't going to change. Much better to move on now while your daughter doesn't have to know what's really going on and you're still young enough to make a new life for yourself.

I'm so sorry. I'm advice is to get through tomorrow, then start planning. You deserve someone who builds you up.

AhhSlippedOnMahBeansRitaaa · 04/07/2023 21:21

Your poor little girl must be so confused. Why is daddy always shouting at mummy? Why does my daddy tell me not to talk to mummy? Why is mummy always sad?
I think you need to seriously think about this relationship for her sake Flowers

Shropshirepie · 04/07/2023 21:21

So sorry OP. Sounds bloody awful, but just being devils advocate - is your H from a care/adoption background?

notsofamous · 04/07/2023 21:21

Grumpy101 · 04/07/2023 21:10

He’s literally training you to shut up.

This. He's horrible.

This. Train him back quickly. Then leave.

IamnotHWhittier · 04/07/2023 21:21

He’s feeling guilty because yet again he hasn’t done anything special for your birthday.
Actually guilty is probably not the right word.

It’s more a case of he can’t be bothered to do anything, then he starts a row because he’s inept at actually doing anything and to hide how useless he is he blames you.

The whole “I won’t talk to you tomorrow” takes the pressure off of him to put you at centre stage and again to do anything for you.
Does he always like to be the centre of attention, maybe he also doesn’t like sharing the stage

Either way your dh has a problem and I’d go out without him tomorrow even if it’s just for a coffee and cake with your dad.

Make that A huge cake with cream and a cherry on top.

Have a lovely day tomorrow! 💐🧁🍹

IamnotHWhittier · 04/07/2023 21:23

IamnotHWhittier · 04/07/2023 21:21

He’s feeling guilty because yet again he hasn’t done anything special for your birthday.
Actually guilty is probably not the right word.

It’s more a case of he can’t be bothered to do anything, then he starts a row because he’s inept at actually doing anything and to hide how useless he is he blames you.

The whole “I won’t talk to you tomorrow” takes the pressure off of him to put you at centre stage and again to do anything for you.
Does he always like to be the centre of attention, maybe he also doesn’t like sharing the stage

Either way your dh has a problem and I’d go out without him tomorrow even if it’s just for a coffee and cake with your dad.

Make that A huge cake with cream and a cherry on top.

Have a lovely day tomorrow! 💐🧁🍹

Meant to say coffee and cake with your DD