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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder WTF is the matter with H

213 replies

Wowz · 04/07/2023 18:15

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

OP posts:
aMillionPaperCuts · 05/07/2023 01:53

Happy Birthday! I hope they spoilt you rotten at work!
My partner developed the same selfish behaviour around my birthday + xmas, around the same time as he developed depression. He imagined constantly that I was having a go at him + would react defensively + angry.
I realise now it all started because he fell out of love with me. He resented everytime the kids came first over him + it ate away at him. But he felt trapped by the kids + a deadend job. While he no longer wanted to be in our marriage, he realised he'd be alone + worse off if he left, so he stayed. But hus unhappiness caused his depression. He particuarly resented me on days he was expected to treat me + show his love.
During that time I tried to protect the kids from his anger. I made excuses to everyone. I tried to get him to get help. I hung on to the hope of how good we had been previously as a couple + that we could get past it. I normalised it. I shrunk into myself as my self esteem took verbal blow after blow. I was constantly confused why he would react like he did.

Well after a few years, he did get over his depression. But he has remained that selfish person. His love and respect for me did not return. Over those years, as hard as I tried to cling on to my marriage, ultimately my love was eroded away. It felt like a million tiny paper cuts that over time had cut me down too much.
There are enough people saying leave him for you to have got that message. But its a big step.
For me its clear you are still making excuses for him in your own head. I think as a starter, to change your situation, you need to have the arguements + not avoid them. Albeit try to find a way to defer them to after DD is in bed. By trying to avoid conflict, you are not protecting yourself, he will just have the arguement without you. Instead, keeping quiet is prolonging your own hurt. You need to communicate your needs + let it out why you are upset. This gives him a chance to change or continue being a d!ck. Please don't think holding back and hoping he will change will work, because when it finally happens it may not be for the better.

Mehmeh22 · 05/07/2023 02:05

To those saying don't bother with his birthday or Fathers day....believe me that becomes a rod to hit you with. This happens to me every year. We ended up arguing in a supermarket with him saying he will kill himself in front of the kids just because I saw some mother's day cards and asked if they got one for me.....apparently the cards they make at school is enough effort. I couldn't hide my eye roll so he exploded next to the bananas!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/07/2023 02:11

Mehmeh22 · 05/07/2023 02:05

To those saying don't bother with his birthday or Fathers day....believe me that becomes a rod to hit you with. This happens to me every year. We ended up arguing in a supermarket with him saying he will kill himself in front of the kids just because I saw some mother's day cards and asked if they got one for me.....apparently the cards they make at school is enough effort. I couldn't hide my eye roll so he exploded next to the bananas!

And you choose to be with him, why??

Crackl3andpop · 05/07/2023 02:43

My friends exh was like this- any occasion when it wasn’t about him he would try and ruin. If there was any occasion about her like a birthday, Mother’s Day etc he would make it about him and if he couldn’t do that he would just make her cry somehow. His preference was to do it infront of everyone so he could complain about how horrible she was to his family and friends.

this behaviour was also rolled out if she looked forward to anything whatsoever. Funnily enough she left him…and now gets to enjoy her birthday by doing what she wants to make herself feel special.

Mehmeh22 · 05/07/2023 02:52

LTB is such black and white thinking. It's not always that simple. Obviously there are positives to the relationship, which are not shown here. It was certainly a low moment, (and we both know he has depression) don't get me wrong but as long as there's capacity to change and work on it, that's the main thing. Otherwise life would be a very lonely existence if you cut peopleoff for any mistake like this. He apologised after and we talked it through. If that hadn't happened..then yes LTB is the only option.

But each year he loses his mind because he can never do it right in his head. Then I'm dreading it because he gets like that and there's nothing we can do that we've not tried (like me ignoring his birthday or me telling him what I want blah blah)

Mehmeh22 · 05/07/2023 02:54

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/07/2023 02:11

And you choose to be with him, why??

Show quote history

Sorry was referring to this comment

user1492757084 · 05/07/2023 03:01

You need to express yourself.
Ask for what you need clearly and kindly.
Be confident. You pull your weight but obviously feel low and smaller than your husband.
Behave as big as him and if he can't cope with it, make plans for a new life.

IamfeelingConfused · 05/07/2023 03:36

He sounds like a dick but I am also wondering why you did not tell him why you were sad? If you can't tell your partner why you are sad and they then don't try and help you not be sad....where does that leave you?
Happy Birthday by the way. 🎂🎶Cake

MaidOfSteel · 05/07/2023 03:38

Happy birthday, OP. 💐I hope you can have a lovely day, in spite of your husband. What a nasty way he treats you; the one he's supposed to love.

Next year, and every year in fact, don't make any special effort for him on his birthday. He doesn't deserve it.

Groutyonehereagain · 05/07/2023 04:14

Classic gaslighting @Wowz . You can do so much better without this loser. Many happy returns. 🎂

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2023 05:51

Yeah I don’t know why you’d put up with that nonsense either @Mehmeh22

Op; happy birthday but please read all these comments and give yourself the present of a new year as a single woman who doesn’t have to put up with this shit anymore

Anon1612 · 05/07/2023 06:03

PennyForearm · 04/07/2023 18:18

He’s laying the groundwork for why it’s all your fault he’s made fuck all effort for your birthday.

That.

Newestname002 · 05/07/2023 06:17

Happy birthday @Wowz!! 🍫 🍷 🍰🌹

Löwenstein · 05/07/2023 06:58

Happy Birthday :)

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 07:17

He’s a selfish twat who happily accepts birthday treats for himself but begrudges you any enjoyment of special occasions.

He is now trying to use your daughter against you.

He is abusive and I can’t see how you can stay with him and be happy.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 07:18

Until you leave him, I would make zero effort for his birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day. Just be done.

doorstopper123 · 05/07/2023 07:43

Why didn't you tell him what was wrong?

Speak up. Speak back!!!!

Push back. Answer his question

Because it's my birthday and I know you wont make sn effort and i miss my mum

Nellynoowhoareyou · 05/07/2023 08:10

Happy Birthday OP 😘

Lozois99 · 05/07/2023 13:30

Whats wrong with him is that he's a selfish insensitive prick and you should kick him the fuck out! Jesus christ.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2023 14:30

@Wowz

Please let this be the last birthday/special occasion you spend being so unhappy because of him.

Listen, I'm not 'real fond' of my birthday, either, but mainly because there's 'more of my life in the rearview mirror than on the road up ahead'. But I've made my peace with that. If there's a reason why you become sad around your birthday other than just the 'growing older' thing or your H being a fucking arsehole, may I suggest you see a counselor to explore why this is? It may also help to explore why you stay where you're apparently so unhappy.

I wish you peace. And a happier future.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2023 14:46

He’s abusive.

And worse he’s abusing you in front of your daughter, which is harmful to her too.

This is a classic, documented narcissistic trait - to ruin birthdays and holidays because they don’t centre around him.

You need to be making plans to leave.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/07/2023 14:47

PS - my ex was like this, and I’m so much happier on birthdays since I left him.

Even if I don’t do anything that’s my choice, not being let down by a dick head

FarmGirl78 · 05/07/2023 16:16

My ex was like this. It took a while to realise what he was doing, and why.

His birthday, my birthday, Valentines day, Christmas.....he would without fail start an argument either the night before, or that morning. He would do this (and it would be made out to be my fault) so that I would then spend all day apologising to him, trying to make it up to him and being extra nice to make him happy.

It boiled down to him being a narcissist and sociopath. He must have felt insecure, feeble and lacking and needed something to boost his self esteem. He didn't want to risk having an 'average' day on the special occasions, didn't want to see whether I liked him enough to spoil him, so instead he would create an environment where I would HAVE to be pandering to him, and he was 100% the focus of my attention. So he created arguments, made out I was at fault, and knew I was a good person so I'd be trying my hardest to make him happy as a result. He got to be happy, and was king for the day, by making ME feel bad and responsible.

Gaslighting and manipulation at its finest. I only clicked what was going on when in a very sudden stressful emergency situation he started an argument and told me what stupid things I was no doubt going to do. I said of course I wouldn't and he said "Well if course you won't now I've pointed it out to you. You won't do it on purpose now to make me look unreasonable. You know you've been caught out". Damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. I couldn't win, it would have been my fault regardless.

OP, this man will not change. Its your fault now and he'll make sure it always is. He wants you on the back foot so he can feel superior and the one with power. You can only take that power away from him by leaving.

I realised afterwards that my ex had relationships that always went wrong at about 18 months duration. Enough time to get women to fall for him, get comfy and then when all was going well he'd start manipulating then to get control. It would take the girlfriends a good while to realise what was going on, that it wasn't them that was the issue, but him. And then they'd take a while to get strong and leave. And that all took 18 months. This was about 6 years ago now, and all his relationships since have followed the exact same pattern.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 17:10

Wowz · 04/07/2023 19:07

If I tell him what's wrong he would tell me I'm being dramatic. I did ask him when we where arguing why he did it on all occasions like the anniversary of mum and he told me its because I take it over the top and I can think about it but there is no need to ruin the day by moping about.

When he is in the mood for an argument there is no winning. If I argue against hIm it escalates to him shouting, if I agree with what he says, it escalates and he says I'm just agreeing with him, so I chose to be quiet.

So he wins every time. His aim is to shut you up, and that’s exactly what happens.

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