To wonder WTF is the matter with H

[Wowz]

H's birthday a couple of weeks ago, made an effort with a cake, day out with all the family including his mum, dad and brother.
My birthday tomorrow, I always feel a bit sad around my birthday, my dad and H make no effort at all and the only person that would is my mum, but she passed away a few years ago.

I've been okay this afternoon, just a little quiet and now H is determined to start an argument. He asked what was the matter and I said nothing I'm fine, I just want to start tea. Then he stood over me and kept asking, I asked him to just leave me to cook tea, but he just kept asking getting more and more hostile each time he asked. He then starting swearing saying 'for fuck sake, whenever I'm happy your in a mood, that's why I'm never happy then kept going on and on, F'ing this and that' I did DD some food and she thanked me and he kept telling her not to speak to me as I'm just in a mood.

I ended up in tears and he started to get angry asking why I'm always like this near my birthday, and not to bother speaking to him tomorrow if I'm going to be like this.

The thing is, this isn't a one off, he's like this around every special occasions. My birthday, Christmas, anniversary of my mum's passing, even the day we found put I was expecting, and the day before DD was born. Any special occasion really!!

Sounds a bit narcissistic

Yep - very accurate deduction I'd say. Plenty of threads on Relationships start like that sadly.

This was my first thought.

One of the reasons for having a partner is so that your life is happier. If your life is made worse by having him in it, what's the point? You'd be better off without him.

Was he a cunt before you married or has he changed since? I really would leave him, i really would. This is no way to live. Please be clear that what you're experiencing is abuse.

He’s in the wrong obviously but there is nothing worse then someone who is miserable and can’t just say why and instead just says nothing while walking around with a face like a slapped ass.

Mine too…birthday triplets 🤭. order yourself something wonderful and go out for cake if you can. Life is too short to be someone’s hostage.

Personally I think someone swearing and ranting at me is worse but to each their own I guess.

I think you’re incompatible. He didn’t ignore your birthday but he didn’t make as big a fuss as you would like. In response, you moped. People moping is pretty awful to be around but he was an arse starting an argument over it. Especially since he knew exactly what the matter was.

Split up. If you are going to live with someone you need to have more similar attitudes to the things that are important to you and better ways of coping with the things you disagree on.

Yes, he seems to have it worked out on how to not have to make any effort for any special day by being an abusive azzhat.

OP--HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

My abusive, controlling ex was like this - birthdays, Christmas (unless it was being spent with his family in which case he was perfectly fine), my graduation, anything really. He couldn't bear to see me happy independently of him or for the attention not to be fully on him.

In my case, he would also sabotage anything I was looking forward to - eg visiting my family, going to a gig with friends - by creating an argument over nothing just as I was leaving. In these cases he'd be particularly savage which I now realise was to make me cry so that I'd be so blotchy and puffy eyed I'd be too embarrassed to go. Eventually I just stopped going which was his aim.

It doesn't sound like your DH does the second one (yet) but be careful OP - in my case it escalated and ultimately turned into physical abuse. I wish to God I'd got out when I first saw the red flags and before I was so utterly downtrodden by it all. I would honestly leave, especially as you have your DD to think of - this is no environment for her to grow up in.

I probably need a break from this forum, I am just so fed up reading about decent women tolerating fuckwit nasty men in shitty relationships.

Happy Birthday OP. 💐

He told your TWO YEAR OLD not to talk to her mummy?

Typical narc, ruining every day that isn’t about him. Get out there and make a fuss of yourself without him.

I'm sorry to hear you have one of those wankers.
I've seen how these fun sponges operate and how the partner (normally female) feels like they need to roll over to keep the peace. But the damage is done. You are conditioned to it now.
Please don't allow your little one to become conditioned too.
Life is better without fuckwits, honestly 🌺

Your DD is two and you have plenty of life ahead of you. Please don’t waste it on him. I did that and I now regret the years of my life that I wasted trying to figure out why he was angry and what I might have done to cause it.

I hope you’re making a plan to leave. Your daughter will see this as normal and out up with someone similar and we both know you don’t want that.

it doesn’t have to be instant but one day, give yourself the best birthday gift and get away from him. Take care, and happy birthday, OP.

He is abusive. It’s classic abusive behaviour for abusers to make everything about themselves or spoil events that do not centre on them.

i was married to a man like this. Every single special occasion he turned into an argument so kids and I couldn’t enjoy ourselves and had to tiptoe around him hoping not to set him off. But he’d always always find a way to be angry and upset at me.

Its so lovely living a life where I can look forward to events and I’m with someone who’s entire family makes a massive deal out of my birthday, which was first embarrassing (as I’d never ever had a birthday where I was the focus) but I love it now.

do you want this to be the rest of your life?

My dad was a bit like this with my mum's birthdays and it was really horrible. If I was you, I would have no expectation about him doing anything nice - that way it minimizes your disappointment. Instead why don't you treat yourself to something nice, or even take your DCs out for a meal and leave the old misery at home. Happy birthday!

Just because it’s not important to him, doesn’t mean it’s not important to you, and when you are in a relationship you do things for the other person, when it’s important to them.

With my DH, he was never bothered about events (Christmas, birthday, valentines etc), but, I told him early on that they were important to me … so I always get a card, probably some flowers (normally sneaking out of bed on the morning to get them), a meal out .. and just made to feel special.

This is what relationships are supposed to be about, your partner should be your biggest cheerleader.

The best present for you would be a divorce. Why on earth do you bother making a big thing about his birthday, you know he doesn't give a stuff.

There was a thread on here about a woman living in France (her name had a French ring to it), who came to the realisation that her husband spoiled every occasion when he wasn’t at the centre of attention. She divorced him. Can anyone remember the name and link it?

Ask him if he's got you a gift for your birthday, and whether he's made sure that your child has been helped with a gift and card.

I'm also betting that he hasn't bothered.

Something like Jamais.

You're an adult, not a child. You sound difficult as F! Sulking because nobody has gushed over you and sulkily refusing to tell your DH whats the matter and then lying and telling him nothing is the matter when that's not true.... And HE'S the abusive one?!?!