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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

208 replies

blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 19:10

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 02/07/2023 19:13

At the very least you need to stop drinking.

Needmorelego · 02/07/2023 19:13

It doesn’t sound a good relationship at all.
I would end it and in the future not drink to much.

WeAreTheHeroes · 02/07/2023 19:15

He sounds like an arse you'd be better off without tbh. Try to alternate your drinks with soft drinks - I understand the nerves thing, but you shouldn't be in the situation where you don't remember things and are potentially putting yourself at risk.

Original poster
blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 19:15

GrazingSheep · 02/07/2023 19:13

At the very least you need to stop drinking.

I don’t drink regularly only on occassions (max 5 times a year) so my tolerance is pretty low.

OP posts:
Sprinkles211 · 02/07/2023 19:15

Your a grown woman you are responsible for all of that by putting yourself in that situation and I should think embarrassing him in front of his whole family. He shouldn't have to babysit you or come find you, it's the behaviour of a teenager getting drunk and looking for attention.

Creepyrosemary · 02/07/2023 19:15

So you don't know your limit and you act abnormal when you're drunk but you're mad at him because he didn't run after you while uou were probably behaving very difficult?

Drinking is optional, if this is how you act then don't drink alcohol. You're presumably an adult so take responsibility for your own actions.

bibbityboppityboo · 02/07/2023 19:16

This just sounds all types of messy - he probably should have noticed you missing sooner, but if you're a social butterfly when drunk and had been off chatting to lots of people then he might have assumed that was where you were. His comments about the kissing guys is totally weird and tbh would put me right off! You probably shouldn't have got so drunk either to the point you can't remember things and go wandering off alone.

Sounds bad on all fronts really. Do you want to be with someone who behaves this way early on in the relationship? Comparing you to his abusive ex is just horrible too, don't put up with it.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/07/2023 19:16

This is your responsibility not his.

HappyHolidays22 · 02/07/2023 19:17

I agree that it doesn’t sound like a very strong base for a relationship. He doesn’t seem to care much - I would hate the idea that my OH would joke about me with other men, that makes me feel like he isn’t serious - but to be honest, it also doesn’t seem like you feel too warmly towards him or his family either?

i would consider whether he is really the one for you. If not, don’t waste your time; sack him off and enjoy your life (maybe drinking a little less in future :) )

WeAreTheHeroes · 02/07/2023 19:17

I see it as the boyfriend knew she was nervous meeting a group of new people and made her the butt of his jokes, making her feel more uncomfortable. What a prince. Not.

TooManyAnimals94 · 02/07/2023 19:17

If my partner was behaving like that, I might notice they were missing but I wouldn't go looking for them!
You behaved really badly and you need to own it. We've all done it. I don't understand why you being drunk meant more money on a taxi? Were you meant to drive home?

LobeliaSackville · 02/07/2023 19:17

He sounds like a prick.

EvilElsa · 02/07/2023 19:17

This is all over the place.
I'd look again and think is this a relationship you really want to bother with. Also, I would limit the drinks in the future. Loads of us have got hammered and been silly, so no judgement from me, but wandering the streets and not having a clue what's gone on isn't good and could be really dangerous.
Write it off as a bad night and rethink the relationship.

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/07/2023 19:18

He sounds horrible. Joking about you having sex with other men? Comparing you to his (apparently) abusive ex? Is this really a relationship you want to stay in?

Mutabiliss · 02/07/2023 19:18

He sounds like a knob. You sound like you need to drink less. How old are you? Assuming past student age, you should have developed a decent understanding of how much gets you rat-arsed like you were.

It all sounds very messy and not much fun.

HappyHolidays22 · 02/07/2023 19:19

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

I think I second this

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/07/2023 19:20

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

I was just about to post:-

“Do you have any actual evidence that his ex abused him?”

Either way - you need to end the relationship. If he is commenting that you are like his abusive ex then you two should not be in a relationship.

Personally I suspect he is just saying that to control you.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/07/2023 19:21

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

Indeed.

I suspect she set boundaries about him being a twunt that he didn't like.

Chuck him back OP, that fish is gone off.

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 19:22

HappyHolidays22 · 02/07/2023 19:19

I think I second this

Show quote history

Thirded.

Get rid.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/07/2023 19:23

TooManyAnimals94 · 02/07/2023 19:17

If my partner was behaving like that, I might notice they were missing but I wouldn't go looking for them!
You behaved really badly and you need to own it. We've all done it. I don't understand why you being drunk meant more money on a taxi? Were you meant to drive home?

They were supposed to be on the bus with cousins I think.

OP, sounds like you chatted the ear off of a bartender and other people rather than engaging with your boyfriend and his cousins. You wandered off. Yes he should have noticed you were missing, but you absolutely put yourself in a dangerous position.
I like to think he was looking for you and is trying to down play quite how bad it was to avoid making you feel worse.

alphajuliet123 · 02/07/2023 19:23

You sound like a nightmare, he sounds like a prat. You need to not get blind drink (especially if you’re meeting new people) he needs to be less possessive and goady. You both sound very young and immature. On balance though, mainly your fault the night was ruined.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 02/07/2023 19:24

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

Why?

RampantIvy · 02/07/2023 19:25

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men

Dump him.

MavisMcMinty · 02/07/2023 19:25

Drunk people are embarrassing, and that’s probably why your boyfriend has been such an arse about it. My first love was an alcoholic and he was like the village idiot when drunk.

Can’t undo what’s done, but you know not to drink at all next time, if there is a next time.