Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

Time to end the relationship.

You don't have good recollection of the second part of the night. You have some glimpses of memory and a couple of time stamped messages and that's all.

You can't tell us - reliably - what you did or did not do.

So we definitely can't know whether your boyfriend was being reasonable.

You can't blame him for your getting wasted. You've made a huge mistake - but heck, we all have. So stop blaming him for stuff you can't remember.

And decide if you actually like him when you're sober. The way he compares you to his ex sounds a bit shitty tbh.

Yep. He’s either extremely jealous and controlling or is laying the groundwork for some kind of fetish for him to watch you shag other blokes. Run fast.

Tbh, i can't stand people that get pissed then ruin the night.

He shouldn't be mentioning kissing other men etc, that's odd. But, if you were off chattering with everyone else then you were rude to him and his family.

You embarrassed him then ruined the night. I'd be pissed off if dh did this.

He sounds like a walking red flag
why is he making jokes you’re uncomfortable with and likening you to someone abusive - joking or otherwise?

are you saying you were dismissive and so he made you the butt of jokes to punish you? Or that his perception of you dismissing him, means you are similar to his abusive ex? But he didn’t address that with you, just went straight to implying you’re abusing him?

you need to not drink, or handle it better, going off talking to other men and then leaving on your own instead of wanting to spend time with him is odd too.
this sounds like a mess and I don’t think either of you are either mature enough or serious enough about each other

While he doesnt sound like a prince, assuming you are an adult then sort yourself out. Anyone getting that drunk and wandering about dramatically, looking for others to run about after them, beyond teenage years and not taking responsibility for it is pretty pathetic.

How old are you both OP?

This is man/boy who has no respect for you, whatsoever.

Show yourself some respect, by leaving him.

This, @blackcurrantsausage

OK so yo u were drunk and friendly. I can't see what else you did to offend him. You left at midnight and were outside for an hour and he was indifferent. He also joked about you cheating on his to his cousins when you'd asked him not to. At the very it's a bit gaslighty over your right to be offended.

Chuck him back opand find a new fish

My boyfriend didn't care about my safety and wondered off from me on the 1time I went out drinking with him ( I don't drink alcohol normally) I was only tipsy but two women attacked me and kicked me unconscious. Honestly if he doesn't care about your safety then he's not a good person for a partner. I wish I had taken my own advice or had some like this . There are kinder people out there u deserve it

All this talk of your terrible mistake. How massively over dramatic. You're a non regular drinker so probably didn't even drink that much and chatted to a bartender.

Whoppee do. It's not like you did a row of flaming tequila shots and writhed semi naked on the bar with half the local rugby team.

His jokes about sex with other men and tales of an abusive ex sound like a controlling tactic to be blunt.

I'd rethink this one OP.

Are you very young? Your boyfriend sounds really immature.

However, all the rest of it is down to you sinking loads of alcohol. If you know you have very low tolerance to it, why bother with it at all?

I would end this relationship as he sounds unpleasant, but also think about building up your confidence so you aren’t relying on alcohol which clearly does you no favours.

That's awful airmaxJ I'm sorry to hear that happened to you

Yeah, me too. He sounds emotionally abusive towards you. Please just leave him - you deserve better.

This is on you! Start drinking less per night of drinking. 4-5 drinks should be tops!!!!

Thank you @Panteranoir no one stopped it too , apparently the bystander effect is real .

OP watch out now for more uncaring behaviour as life is too short x

I going against the grain here. You don't drink too much, you drink 5 times a year, if that's too much then I'm an out and out alcoholic.

You blacked out, this happens to some people, the sugar hit your system fast, you're not a regular drinker so your body isn't use to this amount of sugar and alcohol in a short amount of time. People can still do things while blacked out, you just don't remember it.

Him 'joking about other men', is he accusing you of this or wanting to see you do this? Either way, it's not normal and it's not funny.

You were in a vulnerable situation and no matter what, our partners should look out for us if we are like this, anything could have happened to you. They can have a moan the next day, but in the middle of this happening he should have realised that you were in no fit state to take care of yourself, no matter how pissed off he was, he should have made sure you were safe. We wouldn't leave a friend like this.

You may never black out again or you may have many. He can't tell you how to behave, he can express his opinion and it's your decision how to be when around him and his family. He sounds a little controlling, maybe he's not? But it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

You either are abusing him.
you’re accidentally making him feel like he’s being abusedbecause of his triggers and past trauma and neither of you are able to effectively communicate, be sensitive and respectful and work through this.
or he’s lying and using it to manipulate you.

all 3 mean the relationship is only going to get worse.

that’s before you get into any of the jokes, or him leaving you alone on a night out instead of prioritising your safety.

You're both just bad as each other. He's a dick and you were stupid to drink so much that you blacked out.

Doesn't matter whether the number of drinks you can handle is 0,1, 10 or 100, you stay within your limits.

You both sound as bad as each other, to be honest.

I think you need to end the relationship but you also really need to work on your limits around alcohol.

That's what I was thinking, he probably made prick jokes at her expense as well

He sounds like a dick op, while getting that drunk is not a good thing obviously I'd drop him

I think this sums up my opinion nicely.

At some point you need to conduct an audit. What are the plus points of being with a person who makes you feel bad about yourself and someone who makes you feel supported and loved? This person seems quite nasty. I would end the relationship and find somone who is much nicer to you. Ask yourself, am I nice? If yes, then you deserve a nice boyfriend. Trust me I learned the hard way.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work TBH. It also sounds like you should not drink.

I agree with these two.

This man is abusing you. He's making you think you're the issue. Soon enough, he'll have you thinking you're mentally ill. Dump!