Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

So, the time spent outside he has no idea about. I briefly remember being outside, calling a friend, and then went back in. We were on the phone for a lengthy time. All in all it was about an hour where I was away from him.

Usually he’s good but we do have our highs and lows. He lied about seeing someone at the same time as me and we briefly broke up but got back together at the start of the month. He tries his best to be a good boyfriend and I can acknowledge that.

We have been together since December and only had three nights together. The first was our first date where his friends came along and I spent most my night chatting away to them and he had gone off to get sick, I never said anything to him about it. The second was away where I introduced him to my friends, the first night we had to carry him to bed and the second he was too baked to talk so we ended up staying in after a gig rather going out for pints with them, and then Saturday was our third night out together where I ended up too drunk.

His sense of humour is odd. He will make jokes about me shagging or kissing other men i.e. if a man walks by he goes “I bet he’s your type and you’d shag him” he knows I don’t like this. We spoke about the comment in front of his cousins and said it was only a light joke but I told him I don’t like jokes where I’m the butt but also jokes about other men especially in front of his cousins. He did apologize for it and said he didn’t mean it as bad as I perceived.

He apologized for the ex comparison and said he didn’t mean it like that. The reason I was so nervous is because his friends and cousins hate his ex, they always speak poorly of her so I felt pressure to be somewhat normal and liked. Up until i got drunk and disappeared, we all got on fine and the next day they didn’t say anything just asked where we went and he said we went home as I felt unwell. So, really, I don’t think I’d much interaction with them after the bus and we didn’t argue in front of them either. By being dismissive to him was me telling him to stop making jokes about other men and also when he told me to be quiet I told him to stop.

This boyfriend is a shitty person—why don’t you realize that? The hostile jokes about you shagging other men are meant to make you pliant and insecure. He is negging you to keep you under his thumb. The age difference is possibly why he chose you and also what is making him insecure but in any event you should dump him and his whole extended clan since your anxiety around them means you can’t keep yourself safe and they make things chaotic and dangerous.

He tries his best to be a good boyfriend

In what way?

He denigrates you in front of others which is bad enough, but continues ah´fter you have asked him not to!

He has no respect for you!

Yup.

Even from this he sound’s dreadful! You have been together since December and he’s already seen another woman at the same time. He is already gaslighting you and blaming you for getting in a drunken state that he put you in. He’s comments about other men are creepy and not normal.

Him saying he ‘didn’t mean it like that’ is not really an apology, he also sounds like the one who is being dismissive by saying such rubbish!

Im telling you now, this ex of his will have a different story to tell! Never trust a man with a so-called ‘crazy’ ex! If you research into abuse you will find that most abusive men slag their exes off and claim they were crazy or violent. In fact I refuse to date a man who hasn’t got anything nice to say about his ex. He’s not coming across as an abuse victim from what you are saying, he’s coming across as an abuser.

Men who make constant sex jokes are usually about 18 and/or fucking tiresome. Dump. Move on. Stop drinking too.

Get rid of him.

His ex is mental. I know this as she was once with an old work colleague of mine before my boyfriend and he used to hide from her whenever she came into the bar. She pulled me over the bar one night and tried to strangle me, threatening to jump over unless I got her ex to come speak with her. She lied about being pregnant and said my old work colleague forced her to have an abortion, we all seen the texts where he asked her to show a positive pregnancy test, was willing to pay for a scan, and she always declined and said she’s aborting it. We don’t think she was ever pregnant.

When she was with my boyfriend, she was an antichrist too and his friends and family have told me stories about things she’d do. She used to argue with him on every night out and get incredibly jealous. She used to pinch and hit him in front of people. They were both really bad and toxic for each other. When they broke up, she sent him videos of her mid sex with other men. I know he’s not lying about how bad she is as I know from my old work colleague just how dangerous she actually is.

He said he hit her once in self defence and that was it. She was attacking him and threatened him with a knife. He said it is his biggest regret and he broke down when he told me. He has never laid a finger on me or attempted too. They also have an age gap similar to ours but she’s a year older, they met through his cousin who now hates the ground she walks on.

Not quite. He said it was a light joke and I interpreted how he told it wrong and apologized for his humour, he said he tries to take the piss out of people but that it doesn’t come off well. I told him I disagree with this as I don’t find putting people down funny.

He said his humour causes a few issues between us but really it’s because his jokes aren’t funny but more out you down. He said he never realized they were putting people down but thought they were more teasing. I’ve asked in the past he not make jokes like those and said they were weird, as a couple, they’re not funny, he shouldn’t joke about me kissing or shagging other men or asking me if a man’s my type.

I’ve no real recollection of this but only know because he told me. He said I asked him to stop twice and that I didn’t find it funny. I’m going to assume this was where I left and called my friend crying. He only told me this when I asked him why I was dismissive towards him because that’s really not like me as I never put anyone down.

We spoke about it and he suggested I take time to think about our relationship because even his humour annoys me.

We spoke about it and he suggested I take time to think about our relationship because even his humour annoys me.

Bloody hell!

It's your fault that you don't find his put downs funny?

What an arse!

Came here to say this! All other issues are secondary. He's a bad 'un.

No, I definitely put myself in the situation. His cousin and my boyfriend were pouring my drinks and I was fairly sipping them down, I didn’t have to drink as fast or as much. I don’t blame him for the state I was in at all, that was entirely my own doing and I completely embarrassed by it. I know I can’t handle a huge amount of drink so really should’ve stopped as I’m fully aware I don’t have a high tolerance, but I can’t undo that now.

I’m just upset about how the night went. My boyfriend said his cousins made a few faces when he made the joke about me kissing another man in attendance and I asked him to stop, saying that’s how his ex started by being dismissive and arguing with him on every night out. In my opinion, I didn’t do anything wrong or out of line here by asking him to stop making a joke I wasn’t comfortable with. I immediately felt awful, cried, and apologized when he told me I was dismissive and told him the last thing I would ever intentionally do is treat him poorly in front of people especially his family when I know what his ex was like. That’s when he said it was probably because he annoyed me with his joke, I asked what joke, and that’s how the whole incident aboht me kissing another man joke came to light because I don’t actually remember it. I asked how else I was being dismissive and he couldn’t really say, he just said I was loud and jeering at the barmen I knew and wouldn’t stop when he told me too.

I was mortified about that too and reached out to the guy I knew and he reassured me I did nothing wrong and was only having fun. We’ve worked behinds bars together and know what it’s like but he said I was fine and wasn’t at the bar for very long.

My boyfriend said we didn’t argue or yell at each other and no one actually said anything about that incident to him. He said he had a big DMC with his cousin about weight and they had a little cry together but that was the height of it. He also told me not to worry as everyone was so drunk anyways, and it seems like they didn’t really notice us leaving as he told them the next day I felt unwell so we left early. So, I’m unsure if he was trying to make it out that it was worse than what it was, or what but his story did kind of change a bit.

Yeah, this did really surprise me and take me back a little. He knows I don’t consider put downs humour.

From what you are saying, they both sound as bad as each other. However just because the actions of his ex are pretty disgusting, that doesn’t make it ok for him to treat you the way he has. I’d say he’s not so innocent himself. Obviously you have first hand experience of his ex but you don’t know how true the other stories are that you have heard.

I definitely stand by everything I say that he also seems like an abuser. No caring man would get you drunk to the point you pass out and then blame you for it. It sounds like he is also blaming you for I imagine both him and his ex had some extremely violent battles between them. It also seems he’s happy to blame you for you not enjoying his rather perverted jokes! Again, any caring man would instantly stop as soon as you said you wasn’t happy with it. But no he’d rather turn it on you and make you feel bad for questioning him.

It is really weird. He compliments me, tells me he loves me, and is in every way sweet as he can be. He’s very affectionate in public. He says yes to everything i.e. date nights and holidays, and we have a lot in common with each other. Our relationship was pretty fine until we hit the 6 month mark.

He just has these moments where he makes odd jokes about me with other men, and I think it may be because he’s rather insecure. When I tell him to stop, he usually does and apologizes, but it’s just upsetting he continues to make the jokes and then in front of his cousins who I have never met. They’re used to his behaviours but not mine so I felt immediately uncomfortable at the idea I was dismissive to him in front of them when I have never spoken badly to him during our relationship.

I guess it hasn’t been as smooth sailing since I found out he lied about seeing someone the same time as me and there being an overlap (we weren’t official but he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else) because he preached honesty, and didn’t actually want us to become official until I came back from a girls trip incase I did something with someone. He said the country I went was where his ex cheated on him so he had some bad vibes and that’s why he decided to wait. As soon as I got over the lie, something else surfaced, and now we have this issue. He said it seems like we’re having a lot of issues lately but they come down to him.

We have had a lot of fun and good times together, I guess the lost month has just been a bit hectic. He said all couples go through rough patches and have highs and lows but I feel like I’m just making excuses now.

He’s 31 but a rather immature 31. I’ve been with men around his age in the past who were a lot different but all men are different so I take this with a pinch of salt!

I know I should leave him after this wekeend, because I deserve more but I just feel lost and don’t know how to end things because he has a way of worming his way back into my life with niceness. When he said maybe I need to think about our relationship because even his humour annoys me, I instantly felt bad and jumped to reassure him it wasn’t his humour but specific jokes.

Well he's certainly awesome at guilt-tripping you - and at finding someone so open to embracing being guilt-tripped.

Why are still saying you were 'dismissive' when you mean 'pulled him up on his arseholery'?

Honestly the more I talk to him the worse I end up feeling about it. He said if it ever happened again he would break up with me but he’s giving me the benefit of the doubt this time. I asked why he would want to be with someone who reminded him of his ex and he said that it was out of character for me to act such a way, and was a first so that’s why he’s giving me the benefit of the doubt because it was the drink and not me.

He said his issue wasn’t with how drunk I was but how I acted by being “dismissive” in his words. He said I told him to shut up after he told me to stop annoying the two lads I worked with, which, I agree is fair enough and was rude of me but then sharply told him to stop making those jokes as I don’t like them in front of his cousins. I’ve worked in bars and know how annoying drunk people are, especially the ones who know you, but it’s always harmless, we’ve all been there, I’m just embarrassed by how silly drunk I was! I found some comfort in being reassured by my old work colleague the barman on duty that I wasn’t actually causing any harm, and he even said that my boyfriend was trying to pull me away and telling me to be quiet and leave them alone.

I think his real issue here is that I did speak up for myself in front of his cousins and he didn’t like that and put it down to me being dismissive, I think I was right to speak up, he is already aware I don’t like those jokes and have asked him several times in the past not to joke about them. Yes, maybe saying it in private could’ve been better, but I imagine I felt uncomfortable he was making them around new people I had never met before. He keeps downplaying it saying it was only a light joke and it’s not as bad as I am making it out to be.

My head is totally fried.

So stop talking to him about it.

Stop seeking permission for your own feelings and opinions.

I think his real issue here is that I did speak up for myself in front of his cousins and he didn’t like that

Spot on. You pulled him on it, he didn't like it.

Everything else is distraction.

He sounds so awful, @blackcurrantsausage . All those ultimatums, you have one last chance before he has to regretfully let you go.

Are you not exhausted by all this petty dramarama nonsense?

I am just reading it!

I’m completely burnt out and have cried enough tears to do me for the month, and it’s only the third day in!!!

Yabvu. I agree with him. Don't be a mess.

He's the abuser.

Having a boyfriend is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun, it sounds toxic all round and I would get out now before you end up part of one of those couples who spends their weekends drunk and screaming at each other in the street.