Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

Absolutely, @TrulyFlumptious - but drinking to blackout is a problem, albeit a rare one in OP’s case, it put her in a vulnerable position. The less you usually drink, the quicker you get drunk, in my experience.

100% this.

I’m 23 and he is 31. His cousins were 23-28.

Dump the arsehole, cut down on the alcohol.

So you left upset to call your friend because of the jokes and wandered around for a couple hours?
OP, never mind your boyfriend not noticing, you drank so much you didn’t notice the danger you’d put yourself in. That’s a problem.

I definitely don’t abuse him. I try build up his confidence and self esteem everyday, remind him of how much I love him, how great he is etc.,

I don’t do anything to trigger him intentionally. If I am annoyed, I voice it there and then and we talk through it.

You got completely wasted in front of his friends and family. I’d be mortified , and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off with you. All that running outside and calling your friend in tears malarkey! And you’re angry with him ??!

You can't undo the past. It's happened to us all, but learn from it. Don't drink alcohol when you're next out. I gave up alcohol a long time ago and never felt better. I'm a terrible drunk and it makes me feel ill.

YABU if you choose to stay with this guy.

He’s a walking red flag and you deserve better. Any person who goes on and on about their ex in his case and constantly comparing you to her deserves a wide berth.

Don’t walk, run.

Does he try and build you up every day? And tell you how great you are? or does he just compare you to his ex and feed you drinks when he knows you are not a drinker and then castigate and shame you for it?

And this.

I’ve been that friend who takes the call from someone who’s had too much, they’ll typically repeat themselves for an hour, say how done they are, they deserve better, blah blah blah.

Then they’ll wake up the next morning and pretend it never happened or say ‘He’s not that bad.’

I’m no longer a friend. It got boring.

Yes. Angry he made that joke.

I wasn’t bad and this was confirmed by the male bartender. A lot of his family were also drunk and didn’t even noticed. My boyfriend said I wasn’t even bad either just loud. I didn’t embarrass him but I do feel embarrassed.

I called my friend in tears as I felt so overwhelmed by it all. I don’t drink regularly and she is my little safe haven I can always get in touch with. I agree it was silly and I put myself in an awful situation. She said I said he was putting me down all night and being odd so I think it must’ve been relating to the kissing comment.

^ This.
And please be more careful drinking. Anything could have happened to you in the hours you were outside.

He sounds controlling and manipulative.

He is not the one for you.

End it, move on, find a nice guy who treats you with respect and doesn't ply you with strong alcoholic drinks when you're not a drinker.

It doesn't sound like you had that much though and he was "joking" about you having sex with other men.

How certain are you that he didn't drug you?
Complete memory loss is hard to achieve.

You need to stop drinking, and I mean really stop, because you clearly can't handle it and you seem to have normalised some behaviour that puts you at risk.

Once you stop drinking you will have a much clearer view of your relationship and can decide whether you really want to stay with this guy.

Good Advice!

OP you said " I don’t drink regularly only on occassions (max 5 times a year) so my tolerance is pretty low."
There's two issues here
It's not low tolerance. How many drinks did you actually have? Too many or did someone put something in your drink.

To be wandering around late at night, so drunk that you cannot remember is putting yourself in a dangerous situation .

Second issue. Your boyfriend is much older than you and should have known better. The fact that he wasn't checking on you. Or even sending you home, is worrying and shows he thinks more about himself than you.
You mention he also gets seriously drunk - that doesn't excuse you allowing yourself to get so drunk. He does it so its OK if you do it. Its OK if you only do it five times a year. That is irrelevant to your situation. You have to think about your behaviour, not his. You are putting yourself in dangerous situations.

He undermined you and made you feel rubbish and nervous so you drank too much out of nervousness. Do you want to feel like that next time you go out?
He is clearly not treating you well.

I doubt he was joking. You sound like you did ruin the evening and if you did kiss another man why would you think it's ok.

you didn't need to drink, you know what you are like when you drink.

I feel like people are missing the point here. I don’t drink regularly, about 5 times max per year where I would be “drunk” and this is the first time I have been blackout drunk in years.

I agree, I can’t handle it, my tolerance especially since the pandemic (I didn’t drink at all) is quite low and I don’t know my own cut off so I do avoid drinking and try only drink in safe spaces. Yesterday was a mistake, I was nervous and getting drinking to get through my nerves.

His cousin was also pouring two drinks into one big gin glass for me (Seltzer cans) and my boyfriend made me a vodka that was very strong, others even tried it and agreed it was strong so he went back and weakened it (but I didn’t drink much of it). I also didn’t drink while we were out because I knew I had enough and asked for a water at the bar.

This isn’t an every weekend type of thing. I am responsible for my own actions and definitely shouldn’t of got that drunk or put myself into a potentially dangerous situation but I foolishly did. I realize I was wrong for that and I am not bad at my boyfriend for my actions, I am mad at him for his actions.

No man that respects you would make jokes about you having sex with other men. You should not be putting up with that.

As for the night out, you were rude and embarrassing.

I didn’t kiss another man ?

His cousin was also pouring two drinks into one big gin glass for me (Seltzer cans) and my boyfriend made me a vodka that was very strong, others even tried it and agreed it was strong so he went back and weakened it (but I didn’t drink much of it).

They are pigs.
They were getting you drunk on purpose.
But you know better now. You don't have to go along with it or them.
You have to accept that you have a problem with drink tho and do something about it.

This relationship has more red flags than The Railway Children

"My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny."

This is a huge red flag, I think you need to get rid of him. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it can start off as 'joking', and turn into coercion - its all about control.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered.

He treated you awfully all evening (as he always does, making "jokes" about you and other men), humiliating you in front of his family. Knowing you don't drink regularly he gave you a strong drink. This man is nasty, OP. The power balance in your relationship is completely off (it's all his). It was absolutely no surprise to me to read that he is almost a decade older than you.

It is very, very common for abusive men to (say they) have low self esteem. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. This relationship is toxic and you need to end it.