Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

208 replies

blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 19:10

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

OP posts:
SummerSun04 · 02/07/2023 22:26

It sounds like a dangerous situation that you need to get yourself out of.

A decent man would've looked out for you, not encouraged your drinking and then 'lost' you.

I think this is a LTB situation.

Thepossibility · 02/07/2023 22:29

He is not a good boyfriend. He was openly putting you down. Making accusations. You know this because you remember it, and two of your friends have confirmed it.
You were nervous around his family and he didn't have your back at all. That is what stood out for me. That is not a good partner.
You getting drunk isn't the problem here.
You were all out drinking ffs, it wasn't a children's party. And he and his friend were pouring your drinks!
Rethink the relationship. It's not your job to put up with this shit because he apparently has been abused before.

Twillow · 02/07/2023 22:39

If you got wasted and can't remember past a certain point you can hardly deny what he's saying as it might well be true. It doesn't sound a very healthy relationship for either of you to be honest.

2bazookas · 02/07/2023 22:42

It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk,*

???? Logic failure. According to you

It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly,

So although you "don't really drink" you get drunk often enough to know you have a pattern of drunk behaviour. You also drink to oblivion, where you can't remember what happened.

You are a heavy drinker who pretends not to drink, and when drunk you're an embarrassment to your BF and other people.

Time to recognise you've got a problem.

Jennybeans401 · 02/07/2023 22:53

Any situation where you feel so uncomfortable that you need to intoxicated yourself is one you should avoid in the future. It sounds like a lot of pressure to be the "ideal" girlfriend and he doesn't even sound worth it.

I'd dump him and find someone you can be yourself around. Also, give up drinking! I've never enjoyed it and don't drink at all. You can have a better time without the booze.

Blueink · 02/07/2023 22:56

How is he usually?

Hard to make an objective judgement on how he was behaving when you were obviously so affected by the alcohol, but from your recollections plus piecing together what bar tender and your friend on the phone said, it doesn’t seem great.

Have you asked him about the time you spent outside?

Don’t let the comparisons to his ex upset you, you know that’s not the case here.

Blueink · 02/07/2023 23:01

To add, the age gap is a typical red flag from coercive control perspective

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 23:20

Stop getting wasted.

Stop blaming others for your own behavior.

Original poster
blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 23:21

2bazookas · 02/07/2023 22:42

It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk,*

???? Logic failure. According to you

It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly,

So although you "don't really drink" you get drunk often enough to know you have a pattern of drunk behaviour. You also drink to oblivion, where you can't remember what happened.

You are a heavy drinker who pretends not to drink, and when drunk you're an embarrassment to your BF and other people.

Time to recognise you've got a problem.

Yes, I tried not to get drunk. I picked Selzters with low % and only brought so many. His cousin was pouring the drinks and I was drinking two at a time, as someone who doesn’t drink often, they went straight to my head and when I ran out of my own drink, my boyfriend poured me one of his vodkas (that was too strong and I didn’t end up drinking). When I got to the bar, I knew I was too drunk for more drink and only had water. I got too drunk, I am taking accountability for that, and I have apologized for it.

So 16-20 I worked in bars. When I went to university, I would work 3 nights, go out 3 nights and stay home for one night to do any assignments. I know what type of drunk I am from this, the social butterfly who is friendly and talks to everyone, your bathroom best friend! I was and still am incredibly young and learned quickly that lifestyle wasn’t sustainable.

If I know you, I am more or less the same drunk as I am sober, unless I am totally wasted and know I can be a bit more tongue sharp. I don’t look for trouble but I have dutch courage, confidence, and if I don’t like something then I will say it. I realised that this could potentially lead to more dangerous situations especially when other drunk people are involved and I felt uncomfortable with the lack of control I actually had while intoxicated.

So when Covid hit, I relocated home and decided to not drink. I personally didn’t enjoy the hangover or waking up with the fear so knew it wasn’t needed while I was isolated at home. I also didn’t like the lack of control I had while drunk. I felt better for it (not drinking).

I went to counselling and we also discussed this, he said I needed to ask myself why I got so drunk and I honestly never knew and still don’t as it was always unintentional. I just never knew how to say no and still don’t. I’m not good at setting boundaries in place and we tried to work on it together but ultimately weren’t able to as other issues were our main focus.

I went the whole pandemic not drinking until I returned to university September 2021 and decided I would only drink on occasion i.e. friends birthdays or graduations. I have kept this up even now I am graduated. My boyfriend has a drink most Saturdays and I usually have a cup of tea. The reason I drank so much this time was because I was nervous about meeting his family for one or the first times.

I never blacked out or embarrassed myself until now, and I am wholly mortified and dissapointed in myself for drinking so much. Yes, I’ve been super drunk in the past but never black out drunk and it is scary.

I don’t have a drinking problem either, suggesting I do is quite bizzare. I have relatives who are alcoholics and know the difference between an accidental mistake and active addiction. If I had a drinking problem, my counsellor would’ve referred me to AA but he didn’t.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 23:23

Stop making excuses.

Original poster
blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 23:32

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 23:23

Stop making excuses.

I’m not? I admitted it was my own fault and did take accountability for it.

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 02/07/2023 23:33

I don’t have a drinking problem either, suggesting I do is quite bizzare.

It is a problem though, because you have very low tolerance to alcohol, because you so rarely drink - I’m the same although pretty sure it’s age-related as well in my case, I could drink most people under the table in my 20s. Now I’m unconscious after two glasses of wine! So I drink even less, which means my tolerance gets even lower.

That’s not the same as calling you or me a “problem drinker”, but acknowledging alcohol is a problem for you and me.

JMSA · 03/07/2023 00:40

All the red flags.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/07/2023 01:18

OP, i know this has been a difficult experience for you and I don't think people are expecting you to apologise, You shouldn't have to apologise to those who plied you with strong drinks and then left you wandering alone in the street.
And I'm sorry that you must feel criticized

But. I think you have to re-read what you have just written.

I don’t have a drinking problem either, suggesting I do is quite bizarre.

and

Yes, I’ve been super drunk in the past but never black out drunk and it is scary.

So sorry to say this but you absolutely do have a drinking problem.
Because you've been super drunk, and now it has escalated to black-out drunk to the extent that you can't remember what happened, That means the problem is getting worse, not better, anyway you look at it.

Please think about it and get some help getting to a place where you can be confident you will be able to control this problem.

It's not a question of apologising or feeling embarrassed or ashamed. It's a question of looking after yourself and getting things under control. It's not ideal to be hanging out with heavy drinkers like your boyfriend and his mates.

LuvSmallDogs · 03/07/2023 02:13

Tbh, the losing you for an hour thing (while not great) is a thing that can easily happen - someone goes to the bar or loo or whatever and disappears because they're pissed and got chatting to a random, everyone else is too pissed and distracted to realise how long they've been gone.

What sets alarm bells ringing, is that as soon as you laid down a boundary (his sexual jokes about you in front of his family), he told you you reminded him of his ex.

Now, you have to modify your behaviour around his family so you don't remind them of his ex.

He's using this ex (and your understandable desire not to act like his abuser) to manipulate and control you. I'd fucking love to know this horrible ex's side of the story, wonder if he had a different psycho ex to control her with?

I'd tell the walking red flag that I don't take advice on my behaviour from someone who makes sexual jokes about their girlfriend in front of their family like some sort of pervert!

MammaYamada · 03/07/2023 02:55

You are not the problem.

Maddy70 · 03/07/2023 03:24

My take on this is ... He was making comments ..bit if an arse frankly

You got drunk and embarrassed him in front of everyone. Massive arse

Should he have tried to find you. Maybe but I wouldn't have gone chasing after you.

Stillcantbebothered · 03/07/2023 05:07

blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 19:15

I don’t drink regularly only on occassions (max 5 times a year) so my tolerance is pretty low.

Show quote history

You know your tolerance is low yet you still drink yourself to stupor? He’s a jerk but you also have a lot to work on, toxic relationship all round.

Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 05:19

2bazookas · 02/07/2023 22:42

It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk,*

???? Logic failure. According to you

It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly,

So although you "don't really drink" you get drunk often enough to know you have a pattern of drunk behaviour. You also drink to oblivion, where you can't remember what happened.

You are a heavy drinker who pretends not to drink, and when drunk you're an embarrassment to your BF and other people.

Time to recognise you've got a problem.

Except that she wasn’t the one pouring her own drinks! Seems the bf got her drunk on purpose and then told her he was embarrassed about her being so drunk! Gaslighting at its finest!

Curseofthenation · 03/07/2023 05:40

Why are you with a 31 year old guy that is still getting drunk or baked every weekend?

On top of that, he seems to be hard work and traumatised from a previously relationship. It's unlikely you're going to fix this man.

You're young. Leave now before you get too entrenched in all this bullshit.

In terms of the alcohol consumption, you know you made a mistake. You're only 23. We all have our moments. If you only drink alcohol on special occasions then I would advise that you choose those occasions more carefully. Choose situations where you're around people that make you feel safe. It's telling that you describe your friend this way, but not your boyfriend. Do you really want to be with this man forever? Assume that he will not improve when you answer that question...

diddl · 03/07/2023 06:40

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny.

Just dump the twat.

MushMonster · 03/07/2023 06:47

You drank far too much, putting yourself in danger. You are the unreasonable one.
I would expect my partner to look after me and not to joke about other men. To be honest, I would leave this boyfriend of yours, whatever is with the continous references to the ex and not realising you were not there?
But it is on you to not drink so much and not to care about whatever other people think of you.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 03/07/2023 07:00

GrazingSheep · 02/07/2023 19:13

At the very least you need to stop drinking.

Oh please.

ARareKindaBear · 03/07/2023 07:07

Well first step is you need to stop drinking then maybe your head will be clear enough to deal with the rest of it.

How can you deal with a situation when you were too pissed to know what even occurred?

Comtesse · 03/07/2023 07:21

Why should OP need to get THERAPY because she got drunk on a night out? What an extreme suggestion! Most people who drink have got caught out once or twice and got a bit carried away. No need to go off the deep end.

Don’t like the sound of the boyfriend. He seems like a waste of space.