Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

I had this with an ex he used to tell me all the awful things I had done when I had been drinking (I was 18 at the time)
one night we were out in a big group and I drank a lot of soft drinks in between. So relatively sober, the next morning he regaled the tales of my inappropriate behaviour and I knew then it was all lies. Soon after he was an ex

He does not sound like a safe man to get l drunk round. I know this will sound extreme but I had a boyfriend who made similar jokes esp in front of his family and it got worse. The "jokes" didn't stop and he started telling me he must be hitting a nerve and truth must be in it if I'm getting angry and defensive. I also worked in a bar and he even used that against me and said he bets id fuck half the men who came in the pub. He also had a "mental" ex and I saw evidence she'd been violent to him but he left a lot of stuff out and didn't mention he was abusive too. If I ever wasn't in the mood for sex after a shift at work he'd say I must have already been seen too. He punched me in the face once and told everyone it was in self defence, I ended it then and shouldn't have stayed with him the 10 month I did but I was 21 and had shit self esteem and he was a lot older and was the first man to give me any compliments.

I know im projecting but I don't think you're safe with this man and even less safe when you have no recollection of the evening. Controlling jealous men aren't someone you want around you're when your backed out and he sounds nice controlling and jealous every time you update.

The first few months in a relationship you should be top of the world, feeling great, he's got you feeling shit about yourself a few months in, imagine what a few years with him will do to your self esteem.

You are spending your time with someone who actively is making your life miserable.
He's too old for you.
He's an arsehole.
Dump him and if you want to be in a relationship find someone a lot better.

This man is not a nice man OP and I predict if you stay with him you're in for a future of mind games and manipulation. Women are not rehab centres for damaged men. He will ruin you.

Yeah, I’ve spoken to two of my close friends who have seen me in some funny states (from when I first started drinking) in the past, who know me now on nights out and said for as long as they’ve known me, I’ve never been aggressive or disrespectful drunk. Anytime I’ve been a bit sharp lipped was because someone said something I didn’t necessarily like or agree with as within my rights. They’re the type of friends who would fairly call you out for acting a maggot drunk but were really surprised to hear about our night out together, especially when I called one crying and said he was being disrespectful towards me, which, would make sense if he made that joke in front of his cousins. I set the boundary that he can’t compare me to his ex, or make those jokes, they are really hurtful and disrespectful and was met with the “if you did do that again I’d have to break up with you even if I didn’t want to” and I’m being giving the “benefit of the doubt”. I told him that wasn’t exactly nice to hear that he’s only staying with me for the benefit of the doubt and he sighed and said I had to stop taking things so literally, but in the situation I didn’t know how else to perceive it. I’ll never really know what happened that night and apologized if I did do wrong but I’ve never raised my voice or hand to anyone, and he knows I wouldn’t so being compared to an abusive ex slapped a bit hard. I get people say mean things when they’re annoyed but god almighty I feel like the comparison to an abuser has shook me a little.

I used to be involved with a man who said things like this... the benefit of the doubt thing. It was designed (and succeeded) in making me tread on eggshells around him in order to be cosndiered 'worthy' of him. In other words he deliberately undermined my self confidence so that he could control me. It was a truly awful 2 years and took me years to recover from. Once he got away with it once it became more insidious. To the point he would drag me onto the scales and berate me for my weight and saying i was letting him down by being so fat (8 stone at 5 ft 4); he would scream at me for chopping garlic in a way he did not like. He would berate me for thsi and that. it started with giving me the 'benefit of the doubt' for a transgression (eating a jaffa cake) and got worse. Took me ages to understand what he was doing and it wasn't me who dumped him either- he was 24 years older than me and dumped me for a yoinger woman.

Don't waste any more time on this fucker. Please. And the jokes about you having sex with other men... as pps have said- some men have a fetish about that and I am scared of what he might be capable of.

The more you post, the more manipulative he seems, he gets worse and worse OP. You’d be well rid of him.

This is the part where you find out he goaded and taunted his ex until she snapped and lashed out and that's why she's an abuser. Not that physical violence is ever ok - but this guy is a wrong un.