Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

I feel reading this.. you can't handle your drink and he just sounds like an ar*e. Night outs in the future will fill you both with dread!

But he’s getting all the blame for YOUR actions.

He and his family are manipulative - telling you about the ex-gf being abusive to 'teach' you how not to behave. He will use that stick to beat you with all the time.

Plus he doesn't sound very nice and his weird conversation is really off.

But also you are not taking accuntability for how you got drunk. You say you are, but then you excuse yourself with 'reasons'. And fair enough, I'd probably have done the same at your age - pretended to take accountability whilst really letting myself off the hook.

You need to get properly honest with yourself. You DO have a drink problem because you have drunk to the point where you have blacked out. That is problematic and YOU did it to yourself, not anyone else.

You will find that when you don't have a drink problem, you stop drinking even if others are asking you to or are in control of your drink.

It's actually much harder for people with a drink problem to drink in moderation than to be abstinent - hence your abstinence is no evidence of a lack of a drink problem, but rather evidence of a drink problem you have tried to address unsuccessfully with intermittent abstinence.

Exactly! So many people telling op to stop drinking. Why should she stop drinking? It wasn’t her who kept getting herself the drinks. It was the boyfriend and cousins. Boyfriend is 31! Him and his cousins were the ones giving her the drinks, he then proceeded to tell her he was embarrassed that she got drunk.

You sound like a nightmare tbh

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

He behaved like a weird sex-pesty arsehole, who likes to make you feel uncomfortable and belittle you in public. You pulled him up on it. He called you names in an effort to call you to heel.

That will be what happened with his ex too.

Leave the creep.

In future, when someone accuses you of behaviour they don't like, the answer is not to cry and apologise. It is to discuss what happened, listen to their perspective and give careful consideration to whether their accusation and response is reasonable - or not. Remember, just because you behaved badly doesn't mean he behaved well.

Incidentally, has he apologised for his sleazy, manipulative behaviour, sexually humiliating you in public? In front of people you'd just met?

Thought not.

It's not a 'weird sense of humour', it's a control tactic. It also tells you what he things of women - they're sexual playthings unworthy of respect.

He's testing you to see if you'll tolerate it. If you'll roll over, apologise and capitulate afterwards - and allow him to do it to you all over again.

Does that sound fun? The kind of mutually respectful and supportive relationship you're looking for? Unless you get off on it, you need to set your own boundaries.

Then recognise and accept that this will result in him portraying you as psycho bitch no.2 (or no.24 more likely) and that this does not matter, because it speaks of him and his attitudes, not of you and your behaviour. If you don't hang out with sleazes like him, you'll never have to listen to that crap again.

I can’t believe people are trying to make out like a 23 year old has a drinking problem because she got pissed one night (with the help of several men feeding her drinks might I add). Jesus, the sheltered lives some people must have led 🙄

OP, he sounds pretty gross to me, making jokes at your expense and then comparing you to an abuser when you object? Is he often critical of your reactions/behaviour.

Two things.

Stop drinking.

Find another boyfriend.

He sounds awful but the drink thing is a problem.

I used to be like you when I was drunk and mine was because I was nervous, I have been that drunk before and like yourself it was not that often so I thought it was ok. It really isn’t because you put yourself in terrible situations, I certainly did and as much as it would be great to have be able to be out and about especially at night as a woman meet the wrong man who is an opportunist and it could go horribly wrong.

@ChristmasFluff your post resonates with me, I can now have a glass of champagne at weddings and am far better but abstinence is the best thing for me as it’s so hard not to binge drink to total excess.

I do not know why you went to counselling and I’m not asking you to share but that fact you have shows you have some vulnerabilities. This man overall will make you unwell reading further in to his behaviour. I would imagine his ex probably did have odd behaviour and it will be because he literally did drive her crazy.

He may very well have picked you because you have vulnerabilities, you may not have told him. As someone who worked with survivors of domestic violence and who has myself been subject to it when young on the very severe end abusers sniff out vulnerable women. I know people may get really weird about it and say I am victim blaming but they really do. They are good at it and they test just like he is to see what you will put up with. A woman with healthy boundaries would be off after that sort of comment.

Too many people think abuse is physical violence. I can tell you now the bruises I had from my ex were the easiest part of my abuse.

You will probably think I am over reacting, I’m really not. The age gap whilst for a decent man is fine is also telling because younger women are often though not always easier to manipulate because they have less life experience.

@lottiegarbanzo is totally correct regarding it being a test, he is setting you up to be purely an object.

I think your boyfriend problem and your "drinking problem" (not sure you have one, this is fairly normal for early 20s) are two things.

He's a total asshole and treats you badly, making you think you're the bad person. Run away FAST

Why does she?

OP, all of your responses are about the drinking aspect of this situation. But many of the comments are about the nature of your relationship and whether or not it's a healthy one. Putting the events of the night out to one side, what is your relationship like? Is it full of joy and on the whole straightforward? Or is the balance more towards uncertainty, confusion and game playing?
What is it about the night out that represents the general nature of the relationship? And from this, ask yourself is it right for you?

@Mumofnarnia she drinks until she blacks out and blames her boyfriend for it

The thing that stands out in this post is that he’s told you how awful his ex was and how disliked by his family she was and when you do something he doesn’t like, he compares you to his ex.
This is manipulative and controlling behaviour.

You can't be so drunk that you can't remember much of the evening but then remember some elements that suit the narrative you were not acting drunk.

Of course the bartender is going to reassure you. He probably thought it was funny. He would have dealt with that behaviour many times.

Ultimately, you got way too drunk and people who do are very annoying. Their behaviour mean that the whole focus is on them and it is therefore easy to opt to just ignore them after awhile and lose them.

The whole evening went sour because of your behaviour. It's not the end of the world, just don't do it again, but you are not the victime here.

The thing that stands out most to me be is that someone starts off a thread saying "I have no recollection of the night in question"

So why would anyone assume that any part of the story or recollection was reliable?

Your fella sounds like a fucking cock, you sound like a fucking nightmare tbph

Her boyfriend gave her the drink and also his cousins! HE then blamed HER for it and called her an embarrassment! Not only that he sounds like a sex pest making ‘weird jokes’ about her having sex with other men while he watches!

Wouldn't surprise me if they got her drunk on purpose to try out this ‘weird joke’ of his.

Maybe read some of op’s other posts. She just seems like a normal 23 year old who had too much to drink. We have all been there (well I have anyway).

He sounds like a total dick. Older man with a sob story about his 'abusive' ex and a nasty streak to keep you in line.
Lots of us dated his type when we were in our early 20s, believe me!

You drank too much and were a bit of a twat. Again, a lot of us have done it. You were in a vulnerable position because you can't rely on your shitty boyfriend to look out for you.

Jesus..move on.
You got a bit too drunk in a situation we have all been in(I drank to much when I went to a family get together with one of my boyfriends,I ended up loudly singing and falling into the dogs water bowl)
Your boyfriend and others who were there and know you said you didn't do anything to embarrassing so just forget it now.
Everyone piling on saying you have a drinking problem is crap.

Your b/f is a twat and hopefully will be an ex.

I think the reason he keeps comparing you to his ex - apart from using it to keep you in line - is because his ex probably also found it fucking irritating when he makes" jokes" that aren't funny but offensive...