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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

208 replies

blackcurrantsausage · 02/07/2023 19:10

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 02/07/2023 20:54

He's 31.
He acts like a 16yr getting pissed as fast as he can. His cousins are as bad.
They sound very immature. His cousin poured two string drinks into a big glass for you. Then your boyfriend made you a too strong vodka drink.
You are only 23, he's 31. I imagine you find it hard to not go along with what he and his friends want to do?

Greentree1 · 02/07/2023 20:57

If you drink so much you can't remember it's a problem. You don't know how you got separated from your boyfriend because you were too drunk to remember. Cut down on drinking it's really dangerous to be out and incompetent through drink. If you must drink that much do it at home. How drunk was he if you think he was not thinking about you, who was too drunk to know what was going on?

WhatADrabCarpet · 02/07/2023 20:58

You keep making excuses.

The bottom line is that you can't hold your drink, which you've admitted and he's been very unkind.

I don't think that you're both a match made in heaven.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/07/2023 21:01

I feel like people are missing the point here. I don’t drink regularly, about 5 times max per year where I would be “drunk” and this is the first time I have been blackout drunk in years.

Well you say that, but you also say this:

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly

Nobody is truly a social butterfly when they are drunk. Talking volubly to people they barely know, yes, but that is not the same thing.

I'm not saying your boyfriend isn't an arse, because he sounds unbearable to me, but then I find lots of people's boyfriends unbearable, often because of crudeness and sexual innuendo which their girlfriends seem to find acceptable. If you go on a night out with him and stay sober, you may lose all interest in him, which would resolve the issue.

Mumofnarnia · 02/07/2023 21:01

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

I agree with this! There’s so many of these ‘crazy’ and ‘abusive’ exes! He seems emotionally abusive tbh

Floppyelf · 02/07/2023 21:04

You’d be amazed ( in a terrible horrific way) how many straight men fetish women being used by other men. You need to up for your boundaries so much and dump the creep.

The odd’s are already stacked against you and if you can’t handle alcohol, you put yourself in a terribly vulnerable position.

Sunshineishere1988 · 02/07/2023 21:05

So much drama for one night out with family!

He sounds like an idiot with his jokes and you need to stop drinking to give you confidence. If you know you have a low tolerance, you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation on nights out.

If you really like him, talk to him about his ‘jokes’ and how they make you feel. He might do that for a laugh in front of his friends (which needs to stop straight away) as does drinking to excess to be able to go out.

Avondale89 · 02/07/2023 21:10

Hmmm. I’d be skeptical of his claims of abuse. I do find when men love to continually denigrate their exes it’s usually to cover something up regarding their own behaviour.

Obviously it wasn’t great to get that drunk, but I don’t think he reacted well. He doesn’t sound like a great guy, his “sense of humour” is fucking weird and I don’t think it’s worth sticking around and putting up with his shit.

Avondale89 · 02/07/2023 21:15

And stop trying to “build him up every day”. He’s 31 and you’re 23? He doesn’t need you to be “building him up”. I imagine this low self esteem he claims to have is a complete invention of his. Your 20s can be a bit of a wild time emotionally. Trust me, he’s not worth it. It sounds like he wants a younger partner to manipulate and control.

DarkDarkNight · 02/07/2023 21:15

Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

It doesn’t sound like there is a healthy dynamic between the two of you. He gets to joke/accuse you of kissing or having sex with other men then accuse you of being dismissive for asking him to stop? I wonder why his ex wasn’t liked really - did she abuse him or was she just the butt of these stupid jokes and trying to stand up to him?

You getting so drunk you can’t recall what actually happened. I would be seriously questioning whether to stay in the relationship. I’m guessing it’s fairly new if you’re just meeting family, if so now would be a good time to end it.

St0nehenge · 02/07/2023 21:19

Not a good idea to drink so so mcuh, but he sounds like an ass, slagging you about nothing in front of his family.

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 21:20

Both you and your boyfriend need to grow up and behave like adults.

your relationship with him sounds toxic, so that combined with being unable to drink responsibly means you're probably better off giving each other a break from the relationship, probably for good. Too much drama, you can't sustain this.

Whadda · 02/07/2023 21:23

I’m guessing a lot of people here are wasting their time as it’s obvious that the OP won’t take advice.

standardduck · 02/07/2023 21:24

Your relationship sounds like a mess. He made some really weird and inappropriate jokes. You got drunk, got yourself into potentially unsafe situation wandering the streets.

It doesn't matter that you only drink 5 times a year - you clearly can't handle it and should stop.

I think you did act embarrassingly, but your bf doesn't sound like a great catch either.

10HailMarys · 02/07/2023 21:28

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny.

He’s a cunt.

OhwhyOY · 02/07/2023 21:33

ESH

ffsgiveitarest · 02/07/2023 21:39

He sounds controlling, or at the very least he’s gaslighting you

ColdHandsHotHead · 02/07/2023 21:41

You need to stop drinking altogether because you clearly can't handle it. Some people just can't. You also need to dump this bloke who is clearly emotionally abusive. And for goodness sake, get some boundaries in place and raise your standards. You sound about 16.

Backtoblack1 · 02/07/2023 21:44

How old are you both?

JudgeRudy · 02/07/2023 21:47

What are you actually asking? You tried not to get drunk but you did get drunk. So much so that you were flirting with the barman and don't remember half the night. I'd say you embarrassed your OH a bit too and he brushed it off by 'owning' the joke and getting a few jibes in. Maybe he did notice you were missing. Maybe he was drunk too, or maybe he just wasn't that bothered.
You're an adult. If you have to make a decision to 'try not to get drunk' you have a an alcohol problem and shouldn't drink at all.

StopStartStop · 02/07/2023 21:50

His cousin was also pouring two drinks into one big gin glass for me (Seltzer cans) and my boyfriend made me a vodka that was very strong, others even tried it and agreed it was strong
Your boyfriend took you to other men and they all contributed to getting you so drunk you blacked out. What happened to you? What could have happened? Your boyfriend 'jokes' about you having sex with other men. Ditch him, fast.

Soontobe60 · 02/07/2023 21:50

gloriousmulch · 02/07/2023 19:18

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that his ex DIDN'T physically and emotionally abuse him.

I totally agree!
OP, your boyfriend is a controlling arse and you’d be well rid of him. He stands by whilst you get very drunk, knowing you’re not a drinker. Then he tries to embarrass you in front of his relatives, accuses you of touching a bar tender and finally can’t even be bothered to make sure you were safe when you went missing.
For all of you who are criticising the OP, would you also blame her if she’d ended up getting assaulted “she asked for it because she was so drunk”?

Grumpy101 · 02/07/2023 21:56

Your boyfriend sounds like an awful man. Really manipulative and cruel.

YABU for drinking so much. You remind me of my sister in law who gets hammered on a night out and has absolutely no boundaries and the next day tries to blame others around her for getting her drunk. You can't pace yourself so don't fucking drink. Not 5 times a year, not at all. You're an embarrassment.

Fuck this relationship, call it quits as it's toxic.

Itsallsostressful · 02/07/2023 22:07

OP you are only 23 he is a 'man' of 31 who basically made sure you got drunk then didn't look out for you and made you feel shite. This is not a kind mature man you want to be in a relationship with. Please rethink things anything could have happened to you ❤

BethDuttonsTwin · 02/07/2023 22:24

You’re only 23 and sorry but you sound a very young 23 as well, which is completely ok but possibly not a good fit with this man who’s quite a bit older than you and seems to still be bruised from his previous relationship and projecting her behaviours onto you. This is toxic behaviour. I foresee that this man is going to make you really unhappy. You’re both at different life stages and I think you’d do better with someone closer to your age with much less baggage. Someone you can have fun with and not have quite so much weight of expectation from.