Boyfriend didn’t notice me missing

[blackcurrantsausage]

My boyfriend and I went out last night with some of his cousins. It was my first time to meet most of them so I tried not to get drunk, but ended up being absolutely wasted. I kept sipping to loosen up my nerves and now have no recollection of the night! It’s important to note I don’t really drink and my boyfriend knows this.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny. Apparently I was dismissive towards him in front of his family and he said I showing similarities to his ex.

His ex used to abuse him physically and emotionally. None of his family liked her so I felt an immense pressure to be liked because of this.

When I’m drunk, I’m a social butterfly, if I know you then I’ll probably stop and chat. I hate being told what I can and can’t do and vaguely remember my boyfriend trying to tell me to stop talking to a male bartender I knew.

All I know is I called a friend crying around midnight and again at 1am, both of these times I was out on the street away from everyone. My boyfriend texted me at 0.55 asking where I was so I just understand how I could cause any carnage if I wasn’t even in the same building? So while I have no recollection, I have confirmation there was over an hour to two hours where I was walking the streets instead and he didn’t notice I was missing until an hour later.

He jokingly said I ruined his night “first half was good but not the second”, as far as I can tell by the times, he was completely unbothered and able to enjoy his night (it was just the very end getting home stage). He said I was dismissive but won’t actually tell me how I was or provide examples of what. He said I kept grabbing the male bartenders arm but I can remember up to that point and didn’t even touch him.

I cried again this morning and apologized to him for it, he said it was fine but he ended up paying 90 quid for a taxi. Initially I offered to pay him back but now I can’t be bothered. He could’ve either sent me home or made me wait for the bus back with his cousins. He then said said to either not drink or drink less at future family gatherings so they don’t think I’m his ex girlfriend. I feel so pissed and confused.

I feel like he’s lying or over exaggerating heavily. AIBU?

Stop drinking. Get a new boyfriend. ‘Joking’ about you with other men is grim. It’s not funny. Also agree with PPs - highly unlikely his ex did anything untoward.

Getting shitfaced didn’t just happen to you. You made the decision to drink that much. Own it, less of the mince about tolerance levels, if you behave like this when drunk, don’t get drunk. What are you, 15??

This

If I got wasted the first time I met my DH’s family he would have rightfully been embarrassed and annoyed. But he would still have looked after me, not because it was his responsibility or I am a womanchild who needs to be looked after, but because he cared about me. And vice versa if the tables were turned.

Your other half should be your soft landing - the person you turn to when you’re upset or fuck up. This man isn’t your soft landing, throw him back in the sea.

P.S The comparisons with his ex are an attempt to control your behaviour because he knows that you won’t like the comparison.

He sounds like a bully. He was telling stories about you to his cousins to entertain them, then didn't stop when you asked him to. He makes a laugh of you for his own entertainment.
His jokes aren't funny, they are emotionally abusive. He'll run your self esteem into the ground.
For your part, if you know you can't tolerate alcohol without blacking out and putting yourself in dangerous situations, then don't drink.
Your boyfriend is not your friend unfortunately, he's not looking out for your best interests.

He’s an abusive Arsehole and you’d have more chance of seeing that if you weren’t childishly trying to excuse that you got yourself pathetically drunk. “Oh I have a low tolerance” isn’t a valid excuse.
Dump him and dump the alcohol.

Glad I'm not the only one who's immediate thought was

"Oh yeah. Of course the ex was the problem".

OP you clearly aren't great at handling drink. We all have those moments.

But don't stay with someone who thinks it's ok to joke about you being with other men, who accuse you of being inappropriate and compare you to an ex. You deserve so much better.

It seems odd to go on a night out for the first time you meet oh's cousins. So he told you you kissed someone else but when you thought back you realised this could not have happened. He sounds like a right head fuck. For the sake of your sanity and self-esteem, walk away.

The joking about you being with other men is weird and sleazy. I don't think I'd want to be with someone like that and I don't blame you for gettng upset about it.

I mean you accidentally had top much to drink. It happens. But your bf made fun of you, lied about you touching men and compared you to his abusive ex despite not actually being able to give any examples of any behaviour that led him to this decision. I'm pretty sure you wouldnt have felt so uncomfortable if he hadn't been acting like a dick

Hi All,

To clear up a few things.

His ex girlfriend was abusive physically and mentally. There is evidence of this. I also know her and know she did it to an old work colleague of mine also. As a person, she was and still is incredibly dangerous. I feel pissed he compared me to her and I did say this to him and he tried to say he meant there was similarities to how she first started and apologized for the comparison. He said I got dismissive and thick with him after he made the joke but also tried to tell me be quiet.

To clarify, I didn’t leave my boyfriend or his cousins. We had drinks at the cousins first and he left me with the girls while he chatted away with the boys. I felt incredibly nervous as I’d never chatted to any of them before. When we got to the bar, we all went straight for the bar and then kind of dispersed around it. My boyfriend was with me when I was speaking with the male bartender I knew, he and I used to be colleagues and another guy working behind the bar too, my boyfriend was beside me while we were talking. The only time I actually left was when I went to call my friend upset for that hour, I was with them right up until then!

I have since messaged the bartender apologising and he said I didn’t do anything wrong was just drunk having fun but had no reason to apologize. He said my boyfriend kept telling me to be quiet and stop jeering at them but that was all.

Yes, I am fully aware I can’t handle my drink which is why I very rarely drink and try only drink in safe spaces. I have a low tolerance so I really try avoid heavy nights out but kept sipping last night to drink through my nerves. His cousin was mixing two drinks of mine together and my boyfriend gave me a strong drink so I was out of my own depth. Fully aware I should have and could have said no to both but felt too awkward and I am feeling for it today.

My boyfriend said I didn’t embarrass him and wasn’t an embarrassment to myself. I wasn’t falling around but I was just a bit loud. The bartender I know said the same that I was actually fine and had nothing to worry about it. My boyfriend didn’t spend much of the night with me before and only noticed I was missing an hour after I left so really I don’t know what to make of it all. He went from saying his cousins noticed and gave him the eyes to saying I don’t think anyone really noticed in the end. I feel lost and don’t know the truth.

There are so many valid points that I agree with, this politely sums up the situation.

He is an abusive arse and you shouldn’t drink. Two issues, leave the abusive arse and stop drinking.

Terrible situation.

Possibly you have a drinking problem - giving up alcohol would be a good idea.

Definitely you have a partner problem. Was he feeding you drink? Did he slip something in your drink? This 'joking' about you kissing or having sex with other men - is that how he gets his kicks? Would he dose you up so that you get into sexual situations?

You phoned your friend twice, crying. That suggests to me that things were happening that you didn't want to happen.

So. First, dump the partner/boyfriend/abuser/whatever he is. Right away. Then, stop drinking alcohol. Learn to have fun whilst fully sober! If you're out and find yourself feeling a slight lack of control, go home right away - preferably to your mum if you have one or to someone safe. Thirdly, get therapy. Talk about why you let yourself get into situations that are dangerous for you.

Good luck. Be safe. Remember to love yourself far more than anyone else loves you.

So this guy and I used to work together and he was there as he’s his cousins cousin. I never actually kissed him in my entire life so I’ve no idea why he even made that joke in front of his cousins. It was her going away party and I was invited which is why a night out happened.

I don’t drink often at all. I don’t enjoy the hangover etc., and avoid it. Usually I can handle myself better on nights out but went too far this time.

Thank you for this ❤️

Well you Know the alcohol thing so I'll leave that alone. Drinking too much is on you.

But totally agree with pp. this guy is not good for you. He does not have your back. And sadly you have realised this when you were drunk and vulnerable

Also interesting he made you a strong drink knowing full well you don't actually drink much.

He's not on your side.

How embarrassing for you. You are responsible for getting int on that state. It is not his responsibility to nanny you. You don’t ‘try’ not to get drunk. You either choose to or not. You chose too. May be he was glad to take a break from you?

That's probably true, but what is also true is that you lack an "off switch" that tells you when to stop when you do drink. So you need to stop after one or two at the most, or better yet, don't drink in public.

The first time he met my friends, the first night we had to carry him home to bed because he was so gone and we never said anything about it and just laughed it off. The second night he could barely talk because he was so baked.

He said I didn’t embarrass myself or him. He told them we left because I was feeling unwell so they didn’t actually even notice us dipping out. A lot of his story doesn’t really add up and my lack of memory doesn’t help piece the puzzle together either

Sounds like HE was the problem in his last relationship NOT his ex!!
cant stand people who immesh with their families and base their relationships around whether their family members approve of them or not.

honestly I’d dump him because it will only get more and more difficult to be accepted by him and his family trust me.

Sounds like you’ve forgiven him, @blackcurrantsausage . Be alert to his behaviour in that case, don’t ignore any further red flags.

“Drinking problem”? Good grief. Has no one here never misjudged how much they have had and gotten a bit more drunk than they intended?

Honestly, this site is a fucking joke at times. Telling a clearly young woman that she has a drinking problem because she drank a bit too much out of nerves is just disgustingly offensive.

This with absolute bells on.

So who was buying the drinks? Him? Knowing you were nervous and don’t have much of a tolerance.

Dry your tears, lay off the alcohol and dump him.

My boyfriends sense of humour can be a bit odd i.e. he will joke about me kissing or having sex with other men. Last night he joked about me kissing a guy there in front of his cousins, and I asked him twice to stop but he thought it was funny.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. I wouldn't be entirely convinced about what he says about his ex either.

Dump him. And don't drink in future.

Your BFs" jokes" are not humour they are bullying . If he cannot understand and stop this immediately, or if there are other similar behaviours , then you should definitely end the relationship.

However your relationship with alcohol is entirely your own , as are your lack of memory and any regrettable behaviours .
Of course no-one on MN can know what his previous relationship was like, but if a women was called a liar having disclosed a previous abusive relationship then there would quite rightly be outrage .
You both sound like you need to work on your own self worth and confidence, which from your post is probably best done separately.