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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ruin everything for everyone or AIBU?

217 replies

HadMeAtCello · 26/06/2023 19:27

Not a professional Mumsnet person - so might not be great at posting - but have created such a web of lies to stop friends and family worrying/judging in real life that I need some perspective please.

It's a long story but here's the short-ish version. I started dating DH when we were in college. We were sixteen then - we're in our thirties now. We've got two primary school aged DC and got married not long ago. Our relationship has always been tumultuous. Mainly because he could never 'settle' but would never leave. Throughout our relationship he's had a history of getting drunk to excess, going out all night with no way of contacting him, cheating with other women. Rinse. Repeat.

There's also been some fairly abusive behaviour which I've come to realise isn't acceptable. Things like driving recklessly - trying to frighten me - with me and the kids in the car (even though I was screaming for him to stop). On several occasions he's started an argument and then stormed off to his parents/friends house for up to 3/4 months - leaving me with both children. There's also a physical side - I know lots of women are living through unimaginable domestic violence and this is nothing compared to that but on at least ten occasions over the past 15 years he has been violent (hitting/punching/shoving).

On the most recent occasion, DH lost it because of something I said to him - he couldn't recall what it was that I'd said, he got right up in my face and started threatening me, DS was present and started shouting 'don't hurt my mummy' as he was dragging me about. DH stormed out and was gone for three months over the Christmas period. On the advice of a concerned manager I logged the bruises with my doctor - I'd never taken this step before even though I've had lots of bruises from him.

This was the first time DH has been like that in front of the children and it frightened me that things were progressing like that. It was a really difficult few months - I was very down but tried my best to make it a nice Christmas for the children. They were really badly affected and cried a lot saying they missed him - he did take them for the odd overnight visit and continued to contribute towards bills. I didn't ask for him to come back though as I felt relieved and like this might have been a natural end to the relationship and maybe we could have put some better arrangements in place to role model better behaviour/relationships for the children.

However, as time wore on, DC began to have some emotional issues at school and DH started asking to come back. I felt like I was ruining everything for everyone so I let him come back and he has been sleeping on the sofa for five months. He does an equal share of the childcare and household duties but we are like ships in the night. Once the children are stowed away for the night - I go to my room and he hangs out in the living room.

Anyway, I had a couple of glasses of prosecco this weekend and ended up getting really upset and messy in front of a number of the mums at school. I'm absolutely mortified and take full responsibility for my behaviour - I shouldn't be drinking if I'm not in control but I realise that I'm not OK at all - it's always in the back of my mind and I just don't ever see anything changing. I was open about what went down at Christmas to family and friends but as time wore on people stopped asking how things were as I'm not falling apart and I guess they assume that I've got a handle on things. There is no handle - otherwise I could open the door and exit.

So....Should I ruin everything for everyone and try and move me and the kids back in with my parents/ try to make it on my own?

YABU - these things happen, relationships are hard work and things will get better with time.

YANBU - there's only one life - nothing is worth being this unhappy.

Any advice appreciated. Does this relationship sound like it could be saved? I've done such a shit job at managing it over the past 15 years that I genuinely don't know what I'm doing or if I can trust myself.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/06/2023 19:29

Leave him
he is physically abusive
he cheats on you
he sounds absolutely horrendous
go and don’t look back

Randobelia · 26/06/2023 19:30

If by "ruining everything" you mean raising your kids in a peaceful non abusive house then yes of course. This is utterly awful OP and shocking that you are so worn down you can't see it. Your poor children deserve and so do you.

Avondale89 · 26/06/2023 19:32

No, it can’t be saved. The man is abusive and the absolute best thing you can do for everyone is leave. Trust me, it’s not ruining it for everyone by leaving him. You need him gone ASAP. So sorry you’re going through this. You and the kids deserve better than this absolute arsehole.

MightWriteNight · 26/06/2023 19:33

Of course your kids have emotional problems, look at what they witness at home! The first time driving recklessly with your kids in the car should have been it. Stop subjecting your children to this toxic environment and leave! He’s not a good husband or father.

ErikaReadsTheDailyMail · 26/06/2023 19:35

If you don't leave him immediately you are ruining your children's lives.
They do not deserve to be exposed to this.

Quartz2208 · 26/06/2023 19:35

You are in an incredibly abusive relationship and it is a toxic environment for your children. Save them by leaving

AP5Diva · 26/06/2023 19:36

YANBU
Youre in an abusive relationship and the trauma of it is making you fear starting over. You should leave him as soon as you can. Also, stop blaming yourself, you cannot “manage” a relationship, you haven’t done a “shit job”. This isn’t on you.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2023 19:37

Please leave him.

Pointypointything · 26/06/2023 19:37

Well it's easy for me to say, an anonymous poster on the internet, but you should 💯 leave OP. Even ignoring the abuse it doesn't sound like there's a relationship anyway. Your OH is meant to literally be your partner in life. It's without a shadow of a doubt better in EVERY way to be alone and happy than miserable in a marriage/relationship. You know what you need to do OP. Best of luck Flowers

thecatinthetwat · 26/06/2023 19:37

Oh op, this has been going on since you were so young it seems almost normal, but it really really isn’t. Please see a counsellor/ therapist. Within a few short weeks I think you’ll be able to see what’s wrong here.
talk to everyone and anyone about this and get the strength/perspective to leave. You are saving everyone, not ruining everything.

dotdotdotdash · 26/06/2023 19:38

Oh love! There is a better life than this for you and your kids if you can get through the admittedly difficult part of separating, but you really must find the courage to initiate a split.

Get the financial paperwork in order, get a free half-hour consultation with a family solicitor, start building an escape fund. It takes time to sort these things out when there are children involved, so see it in terms of years instead of a short-term result. If you jointly own a property, then solicitors will recommend you stay and sort out the divorce rather than moving out, but given he has been violent towards you, that advice may not apply.

I have been there, with the primary school kids, and the sporadic violence and drinking. We were never compatible and made each other miserable. It took a long time to split (two years in which I retrained, another year to sell the house, another year to sort the divorce). Now me and ex get along fine and the kids are settled, and I smile and laugh every day. You can do it.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2023 19:38

And you’re not a failure because you let him back. It’s incredibly common for victims of domestic abuse to need several tries to get free.

You can do it and your children will be better off for it in the long/term.

Cherrysoup · 26/06/2023 19:38

You need to get out of this abusive relationship.

firsttimemum1230 · 26/06/2023 19:40

There’s no way this relationship is getting better all it’ll do is get worse and worse and the children will end up more affected and then you could have children services at your door.

he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He doesn’t care about his children enough to watch his behaviour. So you need to leave don’t be selfish in thinking it could change because it won’t and those children need you to put them first.

SnapPop · 26/06/2023 19:40

YANBU

Anewuser · 26/06/2023 19:40

My first LTB

You know what you need to do. It sounds like you need us to tell you you’re doing the right thing by going to your parents…so, yes, go now.

I would also consider if anyone else tells school, they’ll probably raise a safeguarding concern. You’ll then have social services involved. Whilst that shouldn’t worry you unnecessarily, you definitely don’t need the extra stress.

firsttimemum1230 · 26/06/2023 19:41

It’s so hard to leave an abusive situation so hard because they take everything from you but your recognising it now! You’re not a failure and you’re here asking for support and also opened up to your support network you are making the positive steps.

SnackyOnassis · 26/06/2023 19:41

Echoing what other posters have said - the only way things are ruined is if you resign yourself to this shitty relationship with a shitty, shitty man and father.
Your children may cry for him when you're separated, but they're crying for normality and habit when things seem strange, not the man who hits and frightens their mum. The normality and habit they have is not healthy and you have a good head on your shoulders OP, you know that.

Can you even begin to imagine what he'd do when your children are a little older and stand up for you - if your child stepped between you and him, do you think he wouldn't hit them? Or bully and intimidate them, make them feel like you do now?
You get to make a choice now about whether or not that happens to your children, you're not helpless. You absolutely can do this on your own, and it would be wrong not to try.

GarlicGrace · 26/06/2023 19:42

I've done such a shit job at managing it over the past 15 years

This sounds like you're responsible for your partner's appalling abuse, sadism and instability. In what ways do you feel you could "manage" such a person? You'd have to manage him into being a completely different character.

I genuinely don't know what I'm doing or if I can trust myself

Abusive relationships always undermine your sense of self, of what's normal, and natural self-preservation. They do this by forcing you to accept the unacceptable, time and time again. You lose your boundaries and self-worth.

They do this to the children, as well. That's why social services will remove children from mothers who don't leave abusive partners.

Your sense of normalcy and self-preservation is giving a last hurrah. Please listen to it before things get worse.

Americano75 · 26/06/2023 19:43

Jesus Christ, get out before he kills you!

JaukiVexnoydi · 26/06/2023 19:44

Yanbu

You know this is unacceptable.

The worst thing to do would be to stay with him - you would be teaching your children that this behaviour is acceptable.

happysoul23 · 26/06/2023 19:44

You must call the police and press charges next time. It will protect you and your children x

IkeaMeatballGravy · 26/06/2023 19:45

The only person ruining things is your H, who has made the choice to be an abusive arsehole. Please leave him OP, it will be hard on you and the DCs in the short term but long term it's so much better for you all.

Damnedidont · 26/06/2023 19:45

Leave before you have your children taken away or he kills you.

RosaSkye · 26/06/2023 19:46

I agree with every answer on here saying this relationship needs to end.

I think you need to be making practical steps regarding the house and finances to put yourself in the best possible position.

Since the incident with the mums, have any reached out to you? Do you have an ally there who can help you with the practical side of the coming weeks and months perhaps? Maybe watching the children for an hour whilst you have locks changed etc

FWIW, I grew up in an emotionally and physically unstable household, and if someone opened up after a couple of glasses as you did, I wouldn’t find it embarrassing or awkward- I would feel pleased that they’d shared the information and I would do anything I could to help them to break free.