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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I ruin everything for everyone or AIBU?

217 replies

HadMeAtCello · 26/06/2023 19:27

Not a professional Mumsnet person - so might not be great at posting - but have created such a web of lies to stop friends and family worrying/judging in real life that I need some perspective please.

It's a long story but here's the short-ish version. I started dating DH when we were in college. We were sixteen then - we're in our thirties now. We've got two primary school aged DC and got married not long ago. Our relationship has always been tumultuous. Mainly because he could never 'settle' but would never leave. Throughout our relationship he's had a history of getting drunk to excess, going out all night with no way of contacting him, cheating with other women. Rinse. Repeat.

There's also been some fairly abusive behaviour which I've come to realise isn't acceptable. Things like driving recklessly - trying to frighten me - with me and the kids in the car (even though I was screaming for him to stop). On several occasions he's started an argument and then stormed off to his parents/friends house for up to 3/4 months - leaving me with both children. There's also a physical side - I know lots of women are living through unimaginable domestic violence and this is nothing compared to that but on at least ten occasions over the past 15 years he has been violent (hitting/punching/shoving).

On the most recent occasion, DH lost it because of something I said to him - he couldn't recall what it was that I'd said, he got right up in my face and started threatening me, DS was present and started shouting 'don't hurt my mummy' as he was dragging me about. DH stormed out and was gone for three months over the Christmas period. On the advice of a concerned manager I logged the bruises with my doctor - I'd never taken this step before even though I've had lots of bruises from him.

This was the first time DH has been like that in front of the children and it frightened me that things were progressing like that. It was a really difficult few months - I was very down but tried my best to make it a nice Christmas for the children. They were really badly affected and cried a lot saying they missed him - he did take them for the odd overnight visit and continued to contribute towards bills. I didn't ask for him to come back though as I felt relieved and like this might have been a natural end to the relationship and maybe we could have put some better arrangements in place to role model better behaviour/relationships for the children.

However, as time wore on, DC began to have some emotional issues at school and DH started asking to come back. I felt like I was ruining everything for everyone so I let him come back and he has been sleeping on the sofa for five months. He does an equal share of the childcare and household duties but we are like ships in the night. Once the children are stowed away for the night - I go to my room and he hangs out in the living room.

Anyway, I had a couple of glasses of prosecco this weekend and ended up getting really upset and messy in front of a number of the mums at school. I'm absolutely mortified and take full responsibility for my behaviour - I shouldn't be drinking if I'm not in control but I realise that I'm not OK at all - it's always in the back of my mind and I just don't ever see anything changing. I was open about what went down at Christmas to family and friends but as time wore on people stopped asking how things were as I'm not falling apart and I guess they assume that I've got a handle on things. There is no handle - otherwise I could open the door and exit.

So....Should I ruin everything for everyone and try and move me and the kids back in with my parents/ try to make it on my own?

YABU - these things happen, relationships are hard work and things will get better with time.

YANBU - there's only one life - nothing is worth being this unhappy.

Any advice appreciated. Does this relationship sound like it could be saved? I've done such a shit job at managing it over the past 15 years that I genuinely don't know what I'm doing or if I can trust myself.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 27/06/2023 11:07

Read your post back.
What would you say to your best friend if she told you all this? If she told you her DH was abusing his children (which yours is through his behaviour to you).
Leave. You will certainly not regret it. Put your children's lives first. If you stay, your DC when adults will always know you didn't protect them. This is your chance to make a difference for them and you.
You are only in your 30s. You have most of your life ahead of you. Don't live it like this.
If you need to, show your family members this thread so they can see exactly what's been going on.

Original poster
HadMeAtCello · 27/06/2023 11:08

Also TMI but people on the thread have raised it. We haven't slept in the same bed for over 8 months and haven't had sex in well over a year.

OP posts:
MavisMcMinty · 27/06/2023 11:09

Whose name is on the rental/mortgage agreement, @HadMeAtCello ? Get legal advice on your rights, because I don’t understand why you and the kids should have to move out when there are three of you and only one of him.

pontipinemum · 27/06/2023 11:10

""expected them to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate the children (she gave the examples of me not wanting them to watch inappropriate TV or smoke whilst the children were around).""

Your mam sounds like I'm sorry to say, an arse!!! WTF her DD and DGC being safe or being able to watch 18+ TV and smoke inside. She shouldn't even have o think about that one.

meandtheboy · 27/06/2023 11:10

talk to Women's Aid love, they do this stuff every day all day and will know how to help you and in what order.

also talk to someone at the Council to see if you can be given emergency housing just to get away from him

pontipinemum · 27/06/2023 11:11

But yes, it also doesn't have to be you that moves out. He should leave

Original poster
HadMeAtCello · 27/06/2023 11:12

I think everyone has to move out...Our landlord is raising the rent by 8% from September 1st and though both of our names are on the rental agreement, we can't afford the rise between us anyway so it'd make sense to find something cheaper.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/06/2023 11:13

I should say that I've told you all the worst bits. It's not constant abuse

My husband hasn't done a single one of the things you've posted and he can still be a bit of an arse at times, who isn't? But he's not abusive.

There is not a single aspect of this relationship worth saving. He has been abusing you since you were both children. Your own children are suffering, and will continue to.

You need to speak to Women's Aid and get you and them out of there. Live in a single room if you have to. Speak to your manager, be frank about what you need to do.

You're not alone in this. But you really need to get out before your children are irreparably harmed.

Softoprider · 27/06/2023 11:21

OP I put up with mental and physical abuse for years from my husband. When I finally managed to get rid of him it was like a breath of fresh air. When he did not get what he wanted from me he targeted my oldest child. Life with him was a living hell. I was raped and kicked down the stairs and my children witnessed a lot of his disgusting behaviour.

I know how you feel. It is easy for us to comment but you are living this awful life now and so are your children. Do not be afraid to ask for help from Women's Aid. I wish I had known about Mumsnet back then or I would not have left it so long.
I'm happy now and have been since the day he left but it should have been a lot sooner. Make that call today and get the help and advice you so badly need and deserve

meandtheboy · 27/06/2023 11:24

get onto the council and tell them you will be homeless from 1st Sept because of the rent rise AND that are having to flee your abusive husband...get yourself into the system and keep pestering them until they help.

you can do this lovely, I promise you can. And I promise you it will be so, so worth it.

Dreamer8 · 27/06/2023 11:56

It sounds like you'd be no better off at your Mums anyway, she sounds just as bad. Sorry you're going through this.

Butterlover1 · 27/06/2023 12:02

Oh op, this sounds so dreadfully hard and upsetting for you and the kids.

Whilst we can all with the benefit of hindsight reflect on our lives and see things that you'd like to do differently this is not your fault.

I think you know what the answer is and what the course of action that needs to be taken.

Be bold, be brave, do what's best for you and your kids in the long term and in the coming months when it's hard and you're full of self doubt remember that this too shall pass.

❤

ReachForTheMars · 27/06/2023 12:03

End it.

The emotional issues of your kids were most likely apparent when they felt safe to let them out.

The breakdown with other mums was a cry for help.

You cant "give" your kids a dad the way you can give them a toy they ask for. He is who he is. As a mum, your job is to say No and do what's right, not just give them what they appear to be wanting.

After the doctor and crying to mums, your family are likely to end up being flagged as a safeguarding comcern for the children so you need to take proactive steps to move away from him. Noone is going to allow their kids to your family home until they are sure he is gone for good.

You need to find your fight and make a decision to leave, not passively allow him on and out because you want to keep everyone happy. Noone is happy.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 27/06/2023 12:07

Your mum sounds a bit of an arse hole and bloody selfish at that, hope you remember that if and when she needs help in the future.
Another saying leave him yesterday, for gods sake don't become a news head line.

roseotter · 27/06/2023 12:25

HadMeAtCello · 27/06/2023 11:05

Thanks again for all the messages.

Bit of an update... I called my mum this morning and asked her if there'd be a possibility if the kids and I could stay with my parents whilst we figure out what to do next (she knows the whole truth of what's gone on). She said that wouldn't work because she didn't 'think it'd work for her'. A number of my adult siblings still live there and she said that she could see there'd be friction with everyone if I expected them to adjust their lifestyle to accommodate the children (she gave the examples of me not wanting them to watch inappropriate TV or smoke whilst the children were around).

It's pretty heartbreaking that she won't come through for me but not a huge surprise. She's from a different generation (not that my dad was abusive) but she definitely seems accepting of it. I remember the first time he slapped me - it was just outside our school gates and he was mad because I had gone on a theatre trip with my English class and had a cider at the pub beforehand. He said I was an out of control slut (nothing happened at all and I definitely wasn't!). Anyway, when I told her about that she said 'well you can be a very difficult girl'.

I do know from that example that I would never do the same for my children. If they needed to come back home as adults I'd do anything to get them help and look after them.

I think I have the strength to go but what I'm really worried is about how I keep a roof over the children's heads. I've been looking around and don't think I can afford anything on my salary alone.

Oh OP, this is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry your Mum responded this way! None of this is your fault and even if you were a “difficult girl” bloody hell that doesn’t mean your partner can physically abuse you. Those comments are victim blaming but lend me to believe she has experienced abuse herself, hence it is normalised for her (and is likely how you ended up in an abusive relationship as tend to repeat our parents patterns)

Please please call Women’s Aid. They will help you put a plan in place even without the support of your Mum

Godlovesall26 · 27/06/2023 12:35

@HadMeAtCello Im very sorry about your mum’s reaction. Is your father present ? Could you talk to him in private ? Or your siblings ? As your children’s safety is at risk here, I would make sure sure you talk to each and every one of them - and depending on their reactions they would be out of my lives.
PS: I smoke, I don’t have a garden, I go out to smoke, I don’t mind at all whatever the weather (as most smokers would I imagine). Unless you mean hiding it from them, in that case yes you’d have to forget that one I think, as it’s completely unrealistic with several children and several smokers)

Godlovesall26 · 27/06/2023 12:39

Godlovesall26 · 27/06/2023 12:35

@HadMeAtCello Im very sorry about your mum’s reaction. Is your father present ? Could you talk to him in private ? Or your siblings ? As your children’s safety is at risk here, I would make sure sure you talk to each and every one of them - and depending on their reactions they would be out of my lives.
PS: I smoke, I don’t have a garden, I go out to smoke, I don’t mind at all whatever the weather (as most smokers would I imagine). Unless you mean hiding it from them, in that case yes you’d have to forget that one I think, as it’s completely unrealistic with several children and several smokers)

Inappropriate tv can also be quite easily solved, I’d imagine they have different bedtimes anyway.
Id be sure to check every single family member is actually in agreement. This is child safeguarding, what could be more important ? And you’re not asking to stay forever. I’d imagine there’s more to her answer

fluffy2buffy · 27/06/2023 12:47

From experience:

He is only going to get worse with the occasional nice gesture to keep you.

It's going to be very hard to leave. But in 5 years time you will not believe you were ever in the relationship and you will look back and be sad you didn't get out quicker.

It took him abusing my dog for me to go, he'd hurt me many many times. So if you need to do it for the kids let that be the reason.

Let a parent look after you, tel them everything all the gory awful details and then them take over. Trust their judgement as abusers twist everything and make you think up is down. You need someone with a clear head that can help you.

He will get worst, there's no magic wand to save you, you have to save you!!

Godlovesall26 · 27/06/2023 12:49

fluffy2buffy · 27/06/2023 12:47

From experience:

He is only going to get worse with the occasional nice gesture to keep you.

It's going to be very hard to leave. But in 5 years time you will not believe you were ever in the relationship and you will look back and be sad you didn't get out quicker.

It took him abusing my dog for me to go, he'd hurt me many many times. So if you need to do it for the kids let that be the reason.

Let a parent look after you, tel them everything all the gory awful details and then them take over. Trust their judgement as abusers twist everything and make you think up is down. You need someone with a clear head that can help you.

He will get worst, there's no magic wand to save you, you have to save you!!

In one of the recent updates, OPs mum said no…

Tippexy · 27/06/2023 12:56

If they needed to come back home as adults I'd do anything to get them help and look after them.

Yet as children…

LittleMG · 27/06/2023 12:58

Get out op go home to your mum and dad. Once he laid a finger on you it was over.

roseotter · 27/06/2023 13:06

Can everyone please read OPs update! She asked and her mum said no.

greyhairnomore · 27/06/2023 13:11

Can you go on the list for social housing?
I know it's not a quick fix but you desperately need to leave him.
Our council helps with deposits and acts as a guarantor for landlords- there may be a similar scheme where you are ?

monsteramunch · 27/06/2023 13:44

If they needed to come back home as adults I'd do anything to get them help and look after them.

You need to channel this determination to help and look after them into the present tense rather than future.

If you'd do anything to keep them safe as adults, you need to do anything to keep them safe as children - now.

That means leaving this man. You need to call women's aid for professional advice on how to do so as safely as possible.

I think other people have suggested doing so, have you called them yet?

KateFloss · 27/06/2023 14:00

@HadMeAtCello if calling a helpline feels too difficult - and it can be hard to speak on the phone to strangers - how about talking to Refuge online? https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/Chat-to-us-online

So it's just an online chat forum -just like this one - but with specialists who will be able to talk about housing and support in your area. They will be able to talk you through some steps to leaving. I mean if you call the police there is more chance he have to leave and you get to stay in your home but just give the onlin chat a try. Tell them a little bit abotu what you've said here and see what they say...