Not a professional Mumsnet person - so might not be great at posting - but have created such a web of lies to stop friends and family worrying/judging in real life that I need some perspective please.
It's a long story but here's the short-ish version. I started dating DH when we were in college. We were sixteen then - we're in our thirties now. We've got two primary school aged DC and got married not long ago. Our relationship has always been tumultuous. Mainly because he could never 'settle' but would never leave. Throughout our relationship he's had a history of getting drunk to excess, going out all night with no way of contacting him, cheating with other women. Rinse. Repeat.
There's also been some fairly abusive behaviour which I've come to realise isn't acceptable. Things like driving recklessly - trying to frighten me - with me and the kids in the car (even though I was screaming for him to stop). On several occasions he's started an argument and then stormed off to his parents/friends house for up to 3/4 months - leaving me with both children. There's also a physical side - I know lots of women are living through unimaginable domestic violence and this is nothing compared to that but on at least ten occasions over the past 15 years he has been violent (hitting/punching/shoving).
On the most recent occasion, DH lost it because of something I said to him - he couldn't recall what it was that I'd said, he got right up in my face and started threatening me, DS was present and started shouting 'don't hurt my mummy' as he was dragging me about. DH stormed out and was gone for three months over the Christmas period. On the advice of a concerned manager I logged the bruises with my doctor - I'd never taken this step before even though I've had lots of bruises from him.
This was the first time DH has been like that in front of the children and it frightened me that things were progressing like that. It was a really difficult few months - I was very down but tried my best to make it a nice Christmas for the children. They were really badly affected and cried a lot saying they missed him - he did take them for the odd overnight visit and continued to contribute towards bills. I didn't ask for him to come back though as I felt relieved and like this might have been a natural end to the relationship and maybe we could have put some better arrangements in place to role model better behaviour/relationships for the children.
However, as time wore on, DC began to have some emotional issues at school and DH started asking to come back. I felt like I was ruining everything for everyone so I let him come back and he has been sleeping on the sofa for five months. He does an equal share of the childcare and household duties but we are like ships in the night. Once the children are stowed away for the night - I go to my room and he hangs out in the living room.
Anyway, I had a couple of glasses of prosecco this weekend and ended up getting really upset and messy in front of a number of the mums at school. I'm absolutely mortified and take full responsibility for my behaviour - I shouldn't be drinking if I'm not in control but I realise that I'm not OK at all - it's always in the back of my mind and I just don't ever see anything changing. I was open about what went down at Christmas to family and friends but as time wore on people stopped asking how things were as I'm not falling apart and I guess they assume that I've got a handle on things. There is no handle - otherwise I could open the door and exit.
So....Should I ruin everything for everyone and try and move me and the kids back in with my parents/ try to make it on my own?
YABU - these things happen, relationships are hard work and things will get better with time.
YANBU - there's only one life - nothing is worth being this unhappy.
Any advice appreciated. Does this relationship sound like it could be saved? I've done such a shit job at managing it over the past 15 years that I genuinely don't know what I'm doing or if I can trust myself.