If you are a "working mum" or a "career mum", would you make the same decision again?

[SchoolFairNostalgia]

This is inspired by another thread (but not a TAAT) about how many women end up "doing it all" in the process of trying to "have it all".

I'm a mum with a career. Busted a gut to train with babies and toddlers, and am now the main breadwinner in our house and work more hours than my DH (and earn the large majority of our income). Very lucky to have a great husband - truly one of the good'uns, and a fantastic dad to the DC. However, I still think a disproportionate amount of mental/household/family load falls on me, inevitably, as the woman. Of course there are exceptions, but on average, I reckon it's pretty indisputable(?) that this happens in our society, for mums who work for money outside the home as much or more than their husbands/partners do.

My question: is it still worth it?
If I'm honest, I might have tried to work out something different, if I had my time again - something with more traditional sex/gender roles.

So, for other "working/career mums":

YABU - no, I would totally go for a career/job/breadwinner status again

YANBU - yeah, given my time again, I'd not focus so much on career (and look for alternative like try to get DH to earn more/train, etc.??)

1. first this is going to end up becoming a Bashing Thread.
2. second - when do men start creating these threads about men?
3. and Third in response to your question - Every. single. Time.

1. What is a bashing thread, and why will this become one?
2. Haha, good question
3. Fair play to you

My husband is a career dad but he has opted for flexible hours so he could see his children from a previous marriage more often. I have followed suit and have built back up from part time to a full time but over 9 days career mum. It works well. We can afford our house for a start!

I wouldn't want to do this again, it hasn't been worth it.

I'll be a sahm in my next life, thanks very much.

I’m a career women. Would I do it any differently? No I wouldn’t be able to afford food or clothes for my kids if I didn’t.

I try to maintain a balance.

YANBU OP and women have been sold a lie. Generation of babies and children in day centres. Women told they 'have it all' when really they just do it all. Feeling they are failing as a mum and also failing at work when they are doing their best. Men just don't instinctively carry the mental load - unless they are literally single fathers.

I would absolutely do it again. We are moving in the right direction but aren't completely there. Hopefully our kids will get the balance right re career and managing the home with boys being brought up to help out equally at home. I think covid and the move to hybrid working has helped. We have 50:50 mums and dads at pick up now.

Definitely would make the same decision again. (but also the same decision to find a role that allowed flexibility in the pattern I worked so I could do most school runs and pick up the extra once.gnr children were in bed)

It enabled me to have the means to leave my ex when he became increasingly abusive

It enabled me to buy a nice home in a nice area (without overstretching- v relevant now)

I means I can pay for hobbies and tutoring for my children

I am accruing a decent pension (and did even during the expensive childcare years)

I really enjoy my job and feel like I am constantly learning and making a difference to people's lives. I hate housework and have mainly outsourced that to a cleaner (justified because I work)

Career mum. Would definitely do it again. Great for my self confidence and agency. I don’t pick up more than 50% mental load and would confidently divorce if DH became lazy. Luckily he isn’t and we are an equal partnership and team.

If you are the higher earner / higher hours worker, then you have to delegate that mental load right now. If he’s a good one he’ll take it on. Do it tonight

… and yes have career, would do it again.

On reflection what I should have done when I had my baby was not take on so much of the mental load of child related stuff and certainly when I first returned from maternity leave I should have made things more even between me and DH.
We now have a decent balance but I still carry too much of the mental workload and it took me saying I was going to leave to make things change. However I would still have always continued my career as I had, especially as when I was considering leaving it gave me the security to know that I could and it is an important part of my identity and self esteem.

I definitely would - as a poster upthread said, nobody asks this of working fathers, do they?

If I could change anything, I’d get DH to contribute equally. I wouldn’t kill myself to do even more unpaid and unappreciated housework.

Well I wouldn't really have an option to do it differently as two salaries are necessary. Glad I have an OK salary because I know a lot of mums who have half assed the career part due to not training and taking time off who are on terrible money now.

Yes I'd do it again. I retrained when dc was 2. Was hard but worth it. We're both high enough earners but I earn more than dh now whilst still working 3.5 days, term time only.

Women don’t instinctively carry the mental load either, if we did we wouldn’t be so pissed off about it.

When you are getting your male partner to take on an equal share you are fighting millennia of conditioning. It isn’t easy and it takes effort, but if you got a good one it can be done.

It takes time to undo the weight of history.

I wouldn't be a SAHM, it's not for me, but I think my part-time work has been pretty perfect so far and I know there's options for progression once we are past the little kid stage and I can up my hours. It helps that I had kids in my mid 30s so already I was quite established in my chosen field, I was able to get the flexibility I want because I was valued and because they want me to stay there and work more hours in the future,

DH does loads practically but I do shoulder more of the mental load. But I think that's also a me thing as I'm a bit of a control freak so I'm not sure I would want (or rather handle) that to change.

I try. And really, it's not too bad for me.

But honestly, I think females are - on average - just better suited to some tasks (e.g., to do with emotional load of caring). I should repeat - on average. And they tend to retain them even when they work outside the home. Forcing men into immersing themselves as much, emotionally, in their children/household as women usually do a) often doesn't work, and b) makes men (and hence everyone) miserable. Sexist, but - in my opinion - probably true.

We have been conned.

A mother is a mother. Not defined by her working pattern outside the home....

Hell yes. Every time.

Firstly, nothing terrifies me more than being financially dependent on a man. I work really hard and I take on a fair bit of the mental load, although I have a supportive partner. But there's no way on God's green earth I would lose autonomy over my own money. Just isn't worth it.

Secondly, I enjoy my career and I like working. Someone will be along in a minute to say no one on their deathbed ever wished they worked more etc. But I enjoy it. It is intellectually stimulating, I like the social element and it gives my life some structure. I know some women get a great deal of satisfaction from looking after children and I love being with my daughter but I would have been very bored if it was all I did day in and day out.

I saw what happened to my mum after she stopped working to have kids, never really regained her career and became bored, angry, insecure and embittered. No thanks very much, I'll take hard work and if sometimes its stressful and difficult, so be it.

I had to be a career woman because I was a single mum but I hated it. I wanted to be with DS all the time. I missed him so much. I would have leapt at the chance to be exclusively his mum until he went to school full time but I had no choice. I still feel upset about it.

I’d go for it again, because my DH is excellent and we are a great partnership. I don’t have any of the “he doesn’t do the mental load” thing. He does all the normal parent stuff - remembers about booking dentist appts, requests and picks up prescriptions, ferries them around, reads school emails and asks if they want to do x club they’ve been invited to. I do that as well - we muddle along together. He seemed like he’d be that kind of dad / partner (wouldn’t have married him otherwise) but critically he stayed like that when kids arrived - plenty of times you see on here that dads change when kids show up. Didn’t happen here.

I’m a sahm. I didn’t feel I had a choice as my children have sen. I worked through my 1st 3 until it got too much as I was doing it all. I was the higher earner but oh was very clear that if he gave up work he wouldn’t be doing appointments therapies etc. I wish I had tried harder and hadn’t given up work. I wish I had gave up oh instead, that would have lightened the load. Now 8/9yrs later and I still want to give up oh. It’s going to be next to impossible to get back into work, and I have left myself in a very vulnerable financial position. If I had my time over I would do it very differently and would definitely not be a sahm.

Also, LTB just doesn't cut it.

For me, the choice to stay with a partner is not about "are things completely "fair"? If not, leave". It's closer to "is my life better/easier with him/her here? If so, stay". Someone doesn't have to lighten the load by 50% to still be useful at lightening the load.

Yes. I'd do it again. DH and I have been successful in our chosen fields by supporting one another and sharing the load. DH was a SAHD for a year when DS1 was born, I took some time out when DS2 was born. I have been the higher earner for most of our marriage, so could not have stopped working even if we wanted to.

The only time it was slightly sticky was when both DS's, at different times, wanted me to be more like other Mums (ie a SAHM like most of their friends had). But once they were teenagers they enjoyed having parents who did interesting things, and from what I can see, are equal partners in their own relationships - so I think we set the right example.